The problem with kids these days is they don't know history. That, and the fact that they're narcissistic monsters. But let's focus on the history point: did you kids know that once, long ago, Starbucks was considered "fancy" coffee?

Have the elderly people around you been acting rather crackheaded lately? Don't worry, it's not Alzheimers (yet)! They're all drinking "5 Hour Energy" shots just as fast as they can, the old coots. They'll probably die soon(er).

Fish labeling! Dog drinking! Disease eradicating! Anorexia theorizing! Contaminated fishing! Radiation sexing! Distant-object spotting! Caffeine surviving! And whatever new thing they say about heart disease today! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—indiscriminately!

Staph inequality! DNA play okay! Probiotic neurotics! Supplement spikers! Sickening food! Fearless women! Caffeine kids! Young anorexics! And heart disease news for the old-person demographic! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a little something extra!

Who are the real victims of our government's Puritan frenzy to ban Four Loko for good? College kids—who the ban is supposed to help—and hardworking small businesspersons. Paging the Republican Congress! Your wedge issue is here!

Click to view New York Assembleyman Felix Ortiz feels so strongly about protecting his constituents from the poison Four Loko that he put his own life at risk by drinking it, on TV. Thank goodness a doctor was on hand.

After a fun campaign of widespread panic resulting in four state bans and an irresistible opportunity for political grandstanding, it looks like the FDA is set to ban caffeinated alcohol drinks once and for all—everywhere in America.

The sale of Four Loko — the caffeinated booze of choice for totally awesome college dudes — has been banned in Michigan, and stores have 30 days to remove it from shelves. You can still purchase across state lines, though!

Do you need to stay up late? Don't do this: British "partygoer" Michael Bedford took two spoonfuls of internet-purchased pure caffeine powder (70 Red Bulls' worth) and chased it with an energy drink. He collapsed, and died in the hospital.

In America, we trust our kids to responsibly consume rum and coke, or vodka and Red Bull, or six crushed-up Vivarins dissolved in a Solo cup full of Everclear. But caffeine and alcohol in the same can? Absolutely not.

A Kentucky man, Woody Will Smith goes on trial today for strangling his wife. But Smith's lawyer says he was "temporarily insane" and in a state of "brief psychosis" after a days-long bender of diet pills, energy drinks and sodas.

A new study found that caffeine addicts don't actually get an energy boost from their morning cup of coffee; instead, it just mitigates their withdrawal symptoms. Bullshit. Okay, fine, whatever...I'm not gonna debate you this early in the morning. [Reuters]

Is coffee healthy? For the first time, scientists can definitively say, "Kind of in certain ways but in other ways probably not and for the overall question we guess it depends."

Good news: Coffee's not bad for you! Bad news: Unless you smoke when you drink it. But, good news: if you're an alcoholic you must drink coffee!

Rarely are the experiences of athletes a lesson to those of us who tend to restrict their cardio to carrying a bag of groceries up one flight of stairs. But it turns out that the consumption of caffeine before competing in various sports like running, rowing, and swimming measurably enhances performance—which means that it's worth drinking coffee before going to the gym or getting on the treadmill, or indeed any half-assed attempt to burn calories. Caffeine not only increases the power output of muscles, say researchers, but also "affects the brain's sensation of exhaustion." And if you swallow enough, it provides hallucinations and communication with the other side, which would really liven up a dull workout!

Breaking news! People who drink Red Bull and vodka are rapists and friends of drunk drivers! It's been proven by science. Researchers at Wake Forest surveyed 4,300 students on their drinking habits, and of the 2,900 who didn't lie about their sobriety, 700 admitted to using energy drinks as mixers. Which led to even more bad decisions!