Just like dentures, Metamucil and fringed lampshades, cable news has a devout following in just one sector of society: the old one.

Today the owner of the apartment complex in which the alleged San Bernardino shooters lived allowed several media outlets to tour (and inspect the contents of) their apartment. As you can see in the incredibly awkward clip above, MSNBC decided to broadcast one of their reporters rifling through Syed Rizwan Farook and Tashfeen Malik’s belongings, including books, random family photos, and various personal documents.

The post-debate consensus is in: “Fox News Moderators Bring a Sharpened Edge to the Republican Debate Stage,” raves the Times. They proved the haters wrong!

Maria Bartiromo, CNBC's disgruntled "Money Honey" pioneer, jumped ship from CNBC in November, ending her twenty-year reign at the business news network. Lucky for her, she landed an anchor job just across the street at FOX Business, where she's the weekday host of "Opening Bell."

Former CNN muckraker (haha) Piers Morgan bid farewell to his 9pm cable news time slot last night, having been ousted by the network due to flagging viewership of his Piers Morgan Live. The imported Brit dedicated his final segment to his career's latest, greatest cause: U.S. gun control.

No, soccer legend Pele is not dead. But if he did die later today, someone might want to ask CNN where they were.

Martin King—he hasn't used the "Dr." or "Luther" or "Jr." for decades now—is living proof that even legends can get tired of being legendary. Pacing his spartan office at MSNBC's studios at Rockefeller Center on a dreary Wednesday in mid-January, King is pecking a text message back to his daughter about dinner plans tonight. It is King's 85th birthday and his family and friends are holding a party at the forever popular Sylvia's in Harlem, but his first priority is his new 8 p.m. show on MSNBC.

Ah! The Cable News Network (CNN) sees the problem now: They do too much news. They'll get right on that, folks.

It is an irrefutable fact that America's spies are far more innovative than members of our television news media, right. Right?

Paul Kevin Curtis, the Elvis impersonator accused of sending ricin-laden letters to President Obama and others, had his charges dropped yesterday when federal authorities said they'd found "new information." Naturally, Curtis was ecstatic, and this afternoon he took to CNN to express his excitement and relief. After giving a standard interview in which he basically said he's hoping to parlay his poisoning charges into a life of celebrity, Curtis then broke into the Randy Travis song "On the Other Hand" at the CNN reporter's request. If you've not been paying attention, it has not been a banner week for CNN.

Jaiya, a sexologist, thought herself to ("mini-")orgasm on Joy Behar's Current TV show last night. "Joop," she said, while climaxing. "Jip." I'll have what she's having! Am I right? A little When Harry Met Sally humor for you, folks.

Touré (pictured above interviewing T.I.) is a fine writer — or at least he was at one point. Now he mostly spends his time as a helium-filled talking head, floating drably across MSNBC's midday airwaves. This is a pretty cushy job, seeing as you can say basically anything without anyone giving a shit since the only people watching cable news during the day are those being crushed to death by boredom in lobbies across the country. But there's a catch: when you get paid to talk in circles every day, sometimes you'll find yourself arguing a position you probably should not be arguing. And if you're stubborn enough and your argument is stupid enough — you are on cable news, after all — then you might find yourself in the center of a firestorm.

Sarah Palin has quit her second job in four years, leaving Fox News. Maverick move. Anyway, more time for shopping.

Much has been made of Ben Affleck's "possible Senate run" over the past 48 hours, mostly from cable news anchors, and mostly sourced to an interview on CBS' Face the Nation in which Affleck said "one never knows" when asked about possible political ambitions.

Fox News, casting about for answers in the wake of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, earlier blamed "online activity" and "gaming." This afternoon, former Arkansas governor and frequent Fox News contributor Mike Huckabee had a different idea: the shooting happened because we "removed God from our schools":

Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly and analyst Keith Ablow got together on the network today to chat about some of the factors in today's tragic shooting in Connecticut. "You mentioned earlier how people lose themselves in online activities, gaming and what have you," Kelly remarks. "Reality TV is no friend of preventing such things," Ablow responds. "Facebook is no friend of preventing such things." What fantastic, nuanced analysis.

Failure virtuoso Jeff Zucker—the man who singlehandedly dismantled NBC as an entertainment powerhouse, replaced Friends with likes of Good Morning Miami and Inside Schwartz, lost NBC Universal a billion dollars in ad revenue in just one year, brought a man named Donald Trump to your television screens, and bungled an attempted transition at NBC's Tonight Show franchise with a galactic ineptness that even at the remove of two years continues to strain credulity—is going to save CNN now!

Fat asshole Roger Ailes granted a surprise interview to TVNewer's Chris Ariens this week. Ailes, the president of Fox News, is generally reticent with the press, choosing to emerge only occasionally from his gay-proofed News Corp bunker and defend the ideological histrionics of the news team he has assiduously assembled over his 16 years at Fox when a controversy emerges. Here's what he told Ariens, by way of criticizing what he perceives to be a pro-Obama sentiment among his competitors: "The press is supposed to watch the powerful. And not throw in with them."

After Fox News—like everyone else—called Ohio for Obama, Karl Rove challenged the decision on-air, causing what can only be described as a kernel panic. Fox News' decision desk, its institutional center of authority for making sound election calls, had issued its decision. And Fox News, in its capacity as a newsgathering operation, had called the election for Obama. But Karl Rove, Fox News' ideological paymaster, challenged the decision. So Megyn Kelly got out of her anchor chair, walked down the hall, and interrogated her own highly trained election analysts on Rove's behalf. You are actually watching what happens when reality intrudes on a dying fever-dream.

At both the Republican and Democratic conventions, CNN sponsored a splashy, invitation-only club called the CNN Grill to promote its unique brand of ponderous and dull cable-news fare to the press and politicians. You had to be on a list to get in, and Ari Fleischer was there, so you felt important. The drinks and food were free and—I can tell you from personal experience—it was constantly packed to capacity. And now the waiters and bartenders who worked at the Grill's Tampa, Fla., operation at the RNC are accusing CNN of not paying a promised tip.