The New York Times published a startling article this morning about one of the great underreported issues of our times: the wet wipe epidemic slowly but surely destroying New York City's sewer system. The butt wipes have reportedly caused millions in damages, and workers have been forced to physically remove the shit-stained ghosts of the unprocessed sanitary products from the sides of pipes and screening machines.

Late last week, Facebook announced that it would be reworking the set of various formats it offers to advertisers, to "simplify" its ad offerings. Among the changes, Ad Age reported, will be the end of a product called "sponsored stories" (although a Facebook executive said the stories would survive "as an idea"). Wired wrote that the changes will make it so that "every ad is automatically retrofitted with a social component."

The New York Times has seen fit to promote the efforts of an attention-seeking "viral" marketing firm to sell "butt wipes" to adult humans, to wipe their butts with. The firm, Dollar Shave Club, claims that "51 percent of guys use butt wipes." This is a vile and pernicious falsehood. No one uses butt wipes. Don't use butt wipes.