A Page Six reporter has sold her debut novel to Simon & Schuster. Paula Froelich's Mercury in Retrograde centers on three New York women: a newspaper reporter named Penelope Mercury, who gets fired; a wealthy socialite fashion editor, Lena "Lipstick" Lippencraff, and a newlywed corporate lawyer Dana Gluck, who moves out on her husband when she discovers he's having an affair. Finally, some insight into New York women who have it at all, but still feel unfulfilled, by attractive female New York journalist. Except we've been there before, so many many times.

So just how well are those gossip-biz inspired memoirs and novels selling? For the most part, things look bleak — save for MSNBC quasi-gossip Jeanette Walls. The lesson learned: if you're willing to sell out your parents as dumpster divers, you're golden.

• Brangelina, Shiloh, and "those other kids" plan on returning to Malibu this weekend. When their plane touches American soil, our country will celebrate the reclaiming of our national treasures. [TMZ]
• After his jokes about Brokeback Mountain, Howard Stern gets snubbed by Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams. At Nobu, no less, for bonus shaming points. [Page Six]
• For every tabloid tell-all book, there's a spurned ex-boyfriend getting a gun permit. In Bridget Harrison's Tabloid Love, it's the Post's Jesse Angelo; for Deborah Schoeneman's 4% Famous, it's Rocco DiSpirito. [R&M (2nd item)]
• 59-year-old actor James Woods is now dating his daughter, 20-year-old Ashley Madison. [Lowdown]
• Barbra Streisand tours again! Cue fainting Gays! [IMDb]
• Fake David Cross is to the East Village and Lower East Side as Fake Jimmy Buffet is to the Hamptons. [Page Six]

Paula Froelich looks to Bridget Harrison for her daily dose of calcium.

You cannot begin to imagine the elation we felt when, upon shuffling through our daily stack of hatemail, we came across an unmarked package smelling of lilacs. And oh, delight of delights, look what it contained — the memoir of Post columnist Bridget Harrison, Tabloid Love: Looking for Mr. Right in All the Wrong Places. (If your memory can still recall this past summer, UK import Harrison had been writing her own Sex and the City-ish column.)

"You want to make me walk up stairs?!" I harrumphed. "Are you kidding? What kind of snotty exclusive private club is this?" I trudged up the stairs anyway. Stairs with dirty carpet, industrial steel rails, and oddly, really cool bizarrely shaped chandeliers.

Buried in a NY Press column was a reference to the "NYSG (New York Single Girls) literary movement" which apparently included complaining about the "predatory male attitude," so excruciatingly detailed in Rick Marin's Cad: Confessions of a Toxic Bachelor. The author had attended Marin's book party, which was also attended by veterans of the genre"walking-dead types like New York's Amy Sohn and Bridget Harrison of the New York Post." He later mentions that a co-worker calls Ms. Sohn an "unprofessional asshole" and that Sandy Fernandez (one of Marin's ex-girlfriends who recently wrote a scathing article about him) was "a miserable cunt." This clever expose of competitive female behavior must be the foundation for the newly emergent New York Single Guys literary movement.
B-listers [NYPress]

The Post's Bridget Harrison says Americans don't appreciate British humor because they don't understand "the way Brits insult each other." She cites numerous examples of Brits insulting each otheri.e., a friend's English soon-to-be mother-in-law announcing that her future son-in-law "has a voice like a foghorn, talks a load of twaddle and has turned my daughter into an alcoholic." It's, like, supposed to be ironic, says Bridget. "Americans are certainly cutting and witty," she writes, "but they just don't take to ripping someone so personally to their face."

Introducing Australia's most notable contribution to the NYC fashion scene this year: the Ugg boot. ("Ugg" is, remarkably, the actual name of the boot and not merely the verbal response they produce upon initial observation.) At least the Aussies know they're ugly; New Yorkers are apparently confused. The Post's resident fashion-sheep-sta, Bridget Harrison, admitted they were ugly and bought a pair anyway because someone told her they were "cool."
Booting up and dressing down [Post]
Ugg Australia

If you've always wanted to read dirty Harlequin novels but were afraid of permanent brain damage, Bridget Harrison's Post columns are a nice substitute. (Temporary brain damage only.) This week's installment involves a hunky Argentine on a horse, the requisite Pride and Prejudice references, and floodwater that flashes turquoise and gold in the dying sunlight. The only thing missing is the actual sex. A friend who's an expert on these things reports that these sort of books generally involve lots of trembling (he trembles; she trembles; everyone trembles) and an average of 34 orgasmssometimes in succession. No trembling, or orgasms to speak of, but sixty thousand more words and you could definitely sell it for $4.95 at your local supermarket.
The Other Man [Post]