Rock of Love star and Celebrity Apprentice contestant Bret Michaels is currently in critical condition after doctors discovered bleeding near the base of his brain stem. Let's hope for a speedy recovery or The Donald's season is ruined!

• Mariah Carey, Stevie Wonder, Usher, Lionel Richie, Queen Latifah, Jennifer Hudson, John Mayer, and a truck full of elephants (left) will all on hand for the Michael Jackson's memorial service in LA later today. Debbie Rowe and Elizabeth Taylor will not be there, however. [Reuters, NYDN, People, Us]
• Several ladies from the Real Housewives of New York are demanding more cash before signing up for another season of the show. In addition to "six-figure deals," they're asking for clothing, hair and makeup allowances and "a promised amount of screen time." You're shocked by this, we're sure. [NYDN]
• In other Housewives news, it looks like LuAnn de Lesseps may be reuniting with her estranged husband, and Bethenny Frankel is engaged. [P6, Us]

The music industry isn't in the best shape at the moment. How are record labels, performance rights organizations and artists hoping to make up for plunging revenues and non-existent profits? They're taking aim at New York bars and clubs, that's how. Earlier this week, BMI and collection of labels and artists filed suit against Pianos on the Lower East Side for having the nerve to play hits like the Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive" and Poison's "Talk Dirty to Me" without having the permission to do so. You didn't think the day would come when Bret Michaels would be facing off against a bar on Ludlow Street? That day has arrived!

"Broadway Bret Michaels" broke his silence tonight regarding his near-decapitation at the Tony Awards. He's feeling fine now, though he thought he'd lose his teeth, and he's upset he missed the afterparties. He also released photos of his beat-up face!

So, this just happened: there's a Tony-nominated musical called Rock of Ages, which is a "jukebox" of 70s/80s anthem-rock staples, starring American Idol alumnus Constantine Margulies. Bret Michaels performed with the show tonight, and it did not go well.

Sometimes we don't know whether to thank VH1 for trying to "find true love" for washed up musicians or to strangle them for forcing us through yet another round of Bret Michaels: Rock Of Love (working title: Rock Of Love: Really, I'll Do Anyone At This Point). Yes, that sad series partially responsible for rendering all glass ceilings unbreakable is back and, this time, well, no, he's probably still not serious. Why so cynical? Well, his last "winner," 99-year old Chicago anchor chick Ambre Lake, lasted just under a day. But she did get the chance to really pimp her MySpace profile with dirty pics, exclamation mark-happy updates on Bret's CW appearances (!!!), and a heartfelt blog entry promising the "3rd time will be a charm!!!" Yes, spelling-challenged Ambre, we bet it will. You know, because this time, all the barely clothed contestants will be forced to live in...wait for it...the same tightly confined tour bus! If you don't smell love in the air, you've been dipping in to too many of these "ladies"' stashes:

Actress Sophie Monk, who's perhaps best known for dating that one guy from Good Charlotte and more recently pint size American Idol presenter Ryan Seacrest, was accosted by a homeless woman in Beverly Hills. The homeless woman told Monk that she could do so much better than Seacrest and some mall punk guy. Monk played dumb as the woman literally attempted to shake some sense into her. "You have your whole future ahead of you. Don't settle now because other wise you're going to end up on Vh1 trying to date Bret Michaels or, worse, Artie Lange."

Here's how I imagine the greatest moment in the history of Vh1 will go down: One of those strippers on Rock of Love 2 will "accidentally" knock Bret Michaels' ten gallon hat from his melon just a split-second before a sudden gust from the Santa Ana's blows off his Real World-esque bandana, at which point the camera whip pans to finally reveal what lies beneath his formerly infallible do rag. Namely, a patch work of bald spots, hair plugs and horse hair extensions. Mama's fallen angel, indeed. End scene.

Skanky bar sluts need love, too, and thus we find ourselves with Rock of Love 2: The Revenge Of Bret Michaels' Wig. Having eliminated four girls last week, the follicle-challenged Bret Michaels wasted no time in getting his hoochies to show their goodies in a way that even the stingiest basic cable censor would find acceptable ... a dance-off! Sure, you or I might call this wriggle-fest a thinly veiled, mostly clothed grindfest, but honestly, how sexy can any dance-off be when white people and the Funky Chicken and The Robot are involved? Yes, pathetic underbites, epileptic convulsions and self-conscious writhing abound.

The people have spoken, and the people have decided that it's not Sebastian Bach or David Lee Roth or even Axl Rose, but the lovely Bret Michaels of Poison. (Also, Idolator apparently had this, um, last month. Yeah, well.) We wonder: Are his long blond locks still as luscious? Typically we'd make a joke about roses, thorns, etc., but we're just too excited for the white man's version of Flava of Love to think of one.