Zachary Quinto comes out of the closet in about the most casual way possible. Shannen Doherty gets married for the third time. Lindsay Lohan faces a year in jail. Sunday gossip wants to close its Citibank account.

Amanda Seyfried loves sex scenes, particularly an "extreme close-up" of herself rubbing tongues with Megan Fox. Olivia Wilde says she needs "four vaginas." Lil' Wayne talks Tea Party. Scarlett Johansson faces a naked picture scandal. Wednesday gossip needs a cold shower.

An inebriated Ashlee begs Pete to take her back. Mariah Carey's kids have diamond-encrusted diaper pins. Minka and Jeter break up. Emma Watson moves in with a lover, and so does Pippa Middleton, and so does Alec Baldwin. Friday gossip splits the rent.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett enter a Ring Cycle of divorce rumors. Jane Lynch was a NyQuil addict. Miley Cyrus' weird goth brother knocks up a Disney star. Clark Gable's grandson is criminally annoying with a laser pointer. Wednesday gossip sleeps around.

No, your eyes weren't deceiving you as you scanned the LA Weekly escort ads while waiting on some Alegria take-out—that was none other than Suite Life of Zack & Cody star Brenda Song, rebranded as a "Hawaiin beauty. Come get lei'd." Despite possessing a well-documented stable of oft nude and knocked-up rising talent, however, Song's moonlighting efforts appear to be a complete fabrication, as Disney lawyers tell TMZ the ad constitutes "an unauthorized use of Brenda Song's image and her personal attorney has issued a cease and desist to the advertiser." As was the case with Elisha Cuthbert fans hoping for that $47 special in Las Vegas, when your celebrity escort deal seems almost too good to be true, it frequently is.