Conservative Australian politicians are waging a War on Smut via pornography censor laws. Their latest uphill battle: A proposed ban on small boobs (which attract pedophiles) and squirting (which grosses them out).
America just can't win. We stopped smoking—then we all got fat. So we lipo-sucked all the fat out and put it in our breasts, where it could do some good. Then we got sex-harassed at the gym!
Bloggers may face perilous, uncertain futures these days — but not Kim Kardashian! The reality star and Dancing with the Stars bootee has taken to the blogging format like a badonkadonked fish in water. First, Kardashian used her forum to dispute the automobile allegations made against her by a Defamer tipster, and now she's posted an impassioned defense of her naturally fulsome physique. It seems that Kardashian is so tired of rumors that she's had plastic surgery that she's decided to disprove them once and for all — using a queasy-making photograph of herself in a bikini at age 14:
Former child actress Lindsay Lohan is defending her kid sister, reality TV actress Ali Lohan, against rumors that the youngster has had breast augmentation surgery. When someone posed the question, Linds ripped the bounder apart on her Myspace page. "It made me feel a bit sick to my stomach," she wrote. "My response simply was, 'Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14-year-old girl, and you are a pedophile!'" She then goes on to stand up for her mom.
With our daily "MGM Tower Under Attack" report in the books, "retard" outrage in the streets and everything thankfully quiet on our Billy Bob Thornton Co-Star CurseWatch, the only real news we have left to pass along today actually speaks for itself: "The Best Breast List: wowOwow’s Peek Down Dazzling 40+ Décolletage." Indeed, the saucy ladies of the women's Web site wowOwow — including Liz Smith, Whoopi Goldberg, and Lily Tomlin among others — gathered their 10 favorite middle-age busts in no particular order for discussion, observation and, if you dare, debate. We don't exactly know the criteria (bikini-rocking couldn't have hurt Helen Mirren), but see if you can lift and separate them in an excerpt after the jump.
Pictured center in white suit and sunglasses is Playboy magazine editor-in-chief Hugh Hefner, holding court on the West Coast's cleavage-friendly response to the Texas Polygamist Wives Compound. ("It's not. A compound. It's our hutch and it's our home.") He's surrounded by several generations of Playmates, gathered to celebrate the crowning of 2008's Playmate of the Year, Jayde Nicole (standing, in the purple milkmaid outfit). Hailing from Scarborough, Ontario, Nicole is just the latest in an illustrious line of Canadian superstar Playmates that includes Pamela Anderson, Shannon Tweed, and the doomed Dorothy Stratten—inspiring Frankie Muniz to recently quip that there must be "something magic in the maple syrup," as he made it in the grotto with a set of twins from Sault Ste. Marie. After the ceremony, guests were invited to join Hef on the lawn, where the former Playmate on the extreme lower right—the answer to what happens when you cross Loretta Swit with Cicciolina and a pneumatic air gun—lay on her back, treating everyone in attendance to a round of impromptu bouncy castle rides.
Ladies, drop all your skin creams and push up bras and direct injections of fat from baby seals, or whatever it is the quack breast enhancement techniques are these days. All you need for a bigger chest is makeup! "Bosom make-up," to be exact, and which is a phrase we find pleasing. That's how the actress Keira Knightley got her big old boobs when she was in Pirates of the Caribbean. That is some quality journalism, UK Daily Mail. Or if you're not into makeup breasts, you can always have them digitally enhanced, like Knightley did in her US ads for King Arthur. In the educational photos below, which we totally took from the Daily Mail, the unenhanced UK poster is on the left, and the enhanced US poster is on the right. That's why America rules the world.
Thanksgiving is almost here, which means it's time for us to think about helping those less fortunate than ourselves, and to plan our next trip to Scores. And now, thanks to the storied club's "Cans for Cans" program, we can ease our conscience and look at boobies at the same time. Between now and November 21, just show up at Scores (either location!) with a can of beans or a box of cereal or Saltines or whatever (plus the printout thing from their site!) and you get in for free.
[Jessica and Ashlee Simpson] will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell.
