• If Madonna wants to open the Grammys, she's going to open the Grammys — even if it means bumping Mariah Carey out of the slot. If these two were to actually brawl it out, the sheer bitchitude of their contact would make the recording industry spontaneously combust. [R&M]
• Paris Hilton impersonator Natalie Reid is so much like the real thing, she even worked as an $800/hr escort. [Page Six]
• Ivanka Trump splits with socialite Bingo Gubelman, citing irreconciable name choices. [Lowdown]
• Ashlee Simpson insists her father's not a control freak — he even lets her shower and shit all by herself. [IOL]
• David Burke tortures Fashion Week models by offering them all sorts of tasty snacks. The cruelty of Bryant Park knows no bounds. [Page Six]

• Never underestimate the power of a hairdresser. Says one with plenty of celebrity clients, "I have this one client, and I gave her an ultimatum...You have to leave him if he's not going to marry you. You're 43, and you've got to get out. You can't accept this. You're beautiful.'" Innneresting. Did Lance refuse to set a date? [NYT]
• Funny that Dave Itzkoff wrote the New York piece on James Frey's editor, Sean McDonald, considering some have called foul on the accuracy of Itzkoff's own memoir. A sympathetic ear always makes for a great interview. [VV]
• A Paris Hilton impersonator crashes Fashion Week, caught on video. It's funny until you watch the clip of the impersonator talking about her job as a Fake Paris — her voice is as monotone and scarily deep as the real thing. [TMZ]
• An open letter to Graydon Carter. [Open Web Letter]
• Natasha Lyonne's father insists that she's not homeless, but rather very wealthy. Sure, but that doesn't address the crackhead problem. [Handbag]

Late on Friday, Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow announced that they were ending their engagement. The Tour de France champion and Grammy-winning musician didn't give any reasons for their breakup, but we're guessing it had something to do with her age (43) and his balls (only one).

We were flipping through the press clippings included with It's Not Me, It's You, the hardcover debut from former Observer and Post writer Anna Jane Grossman and Los Angeleno Flint Wainess, and we noticed a blurb mentioning that none other than Fake Writer JT Leroy had contributed "his" worst breakup story to the book. Considering JT Leroy doesn't, you know, really exist, we found his essay to be delightful. A sampling:

A very important update in the whodunit analysis of why DJ AM broke off his engagement to Nicole Richie:

From the wilds of New Jersey, Life & Style bravely steps forward to continue reporting on the broken engagement of Nicole Richie and DJ AM. When it comes to revealing who dumped whom, real journalists work through the tears:

• We've no idea if this is even halfway accurate or not, but the picture at right is circulating the internets as that of recent celebrity spawn Violet Affleck. If it turns out that this is just a civilian baby, we don't care: we just wuv the cutesy-poo baby cuddle-bug. Crap, now our ovaries are twitching... [Violet Ann Affleck]
• Bad news for fans of the Cartoon Network — no, not that Cartoon Network, but the one that delivered pot to your door. Seems your delivery dude got busted. [Newsday]
• Downtown auteur love dies another death, as the rich-hipster romance of director Spike Jonze and Yeah Yeah Yeah's lead freak Karen O. ends in a miserable implosion. [Productshop NYC]
• Available at the CNN store in the Time Warner Center, it's the CNN Holy Cross Necklace. Get it for a Fox News fan you love. [Encyclopedia Hanasiana]
• Okay, fine: Here are the Jennifer Aniston topless photos. We found her GQ side-boob shot to be far more flattering. [Save Manny]
• Rapper Foxy Brown is almost completely deaf. Frankly, we always assumed most hardcore rappers were. [Starpulse]

How long does it take for dreams of young love die? Approximately eleven days, it seems, if you're crooner-spawn Kimberly Stewart and barely-legal Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero, whose passionate engagement has disintegrated into heartbreak.

We here at Gawker are never — never — happy to see the dissolution of a celebrity marriage. Love in Famousville doesn't come easy, and we are nothing but sympathetic to the countless hearts broken by the glare of the spotlight.

• Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson issue the standard denial in response to yesterday's celebrity weekly bukkake over their break-up; Us Weekly stands by their report. Perhaps the denial has something to do with that exclusive contract Simpson signed with OK!, which apparently guarantees the mag exclusive rights to all Simpson coverage. As if anyone's going to care once OK! "breaks" this story. [Page Six]
• Madonna is reportedly trying to convince Oprah Winfrey to convert to Kabbalah. If, God forbid, this happens, it's only a few short episodes of Oprah until the entire world has fallen under the red-string spell. [R&M]
• Bespectacled hostess Georgette Mosbacher agrees to throw the book party for Michael Gross's 740 Park, which exposes the inner-workings of the absurdly wealthy cattery. Naturally, Morsbachers socialite friends are horrified, just horrified. [Lowdown]
• Kevin Federline is a fantastic baby daddy but, it seems, a decidedly less-than-fantastic daddy. We're sure once he leaves Britney, he'll be much better to the little Federletus. [Scoop]
• Everyone on West 71st Street hates their neighbor, Today co-host Ann Curry. And you thought that on-camera schtick was just a persona. [Page Six]

The image at right (click to enlarge) probably won't be on the newsstands until 10 A.M. or so, but we don't see why you should wait for the news: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, America's Newlyweds, have called it quits. For those of you so self-loathing as to closely follow these things, you'll recall that in May, E! online reported that the couple had filed for divorce, only to mysteriously retract the story an hour later. But you knew, right then, that this was coming, didn't you?

Color us shocked: Wonky-eyed celebutante Paris Hilton has broken off her 5-month engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis (news which, while completely heartbreaking, makes the recent Vanity Fair cover cunnilingus on Hilton's newfound domestic bliss all the more laughable).