People in the USA are fed up with these Washington politicians who don’t care about folks like us. We want to be led by those we really believe in: brands.

If you are ever captured by an enemy, and interrogated using the very latest mind control technique, and you have a dick, pay close attention to what you are about to read here.

Incredibly vain parents are actually buying Huggies horrible denim diapers, so much so the brand regained the market share they recently lost to Pampers. This can only mean one thing: diaper war.

Are you enamored with the fast-forward capabilities of your futuristic 'Tivo' device—but sad that you're missing all those commercials? Tivo has figured out a way to implant ads over skipped ads. Technology is wonderful.

Here's something scary that exists: The Automotive Broadcasting Network ("Fueled by CBS"!), which beams soothing, automotive industry-friendly news into car dealerships, so as not to upset the customers. Katie Couric is a GM zombie!

Colors aren't just for looking at. They're also for making your brain do things! Science has produced a breakthrough new study about how colors can make reporters stop screwing around and get to work:

"For some children, watching "Dora the Explorer" on television is becoming passé. Now, they want to be Dora." Mother. Fuckers. They want to be Dora because multinational corporations are pouring millions into online games that masquerade as harmless diversions while actually indoctrinating children into brand worship! Nickelodeon is spending $100 million to draw in the children of the world with shiny games. Entertainment, retailers, junk food, and other huge business sectors are all using these games to lure kids into influencing purchasing decisions—some games are even designed for kids "on the laps of their moms." It's truly one of the most insidious forms of... hey, "Reese's Puffs Cereal Snowboard Slalom?" Sweet. [NYT]

We tried to leave this one alone, but its influence has now grown to the point that it must be mentioned. We're referring, of course, to that reggaeton-themed commercial for IO Digital Cable, which is maddeningly effective at making you remember a phone number you will never call. What do mermaids, life preservers, jet skis, and latin beats have to do with cable? Eight seven seven three nine three, four, four, four, EIGHT! That's the answer. This is both the best and worst ad in the world [AV Club]. Gluttons for punishment, please watch the ad below again and again until you can recite it from memory like the rest of the population of New York. We apologize.