Hello out there. Look. I'm not going to beat around the bush or try to soft-pedal this point right here. Justin Bieber? This kid is not right. Not right at all.

Here is the saddest movie ever made, according to science: The Champ, starring Jon Voight. Watch it! A guy dies! In front of his son! After winning the, uh, boxing... trophy! Are you crying? Are you sobbing? Okay, whoa, stop, you're embarrassing yourself in front of your coworkers.

During an interview with CBS's Bill Whitaker, reforming (reformed?) former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson dismisses his title belts as "garbage" and "nothing." His priorities have changed! Making his kids and pigeons happy is what life's all about now—not golden, shiny things.

Noted dick Buzz Bissinger is confused. Boxing great Sugar Ray Leonard claims in a new memoir that he was molested by a former coach. But Leonard didn't tell Bissinger, the world's greatest sports reporter, first and exclusively. So obviously Leonard is lying.

Usman "Uzzy" Ahmed entered in style with a lively pop track and many dance moves. Unfortunately, his boxing isn't as good as his dancing. He was defeated in a manner that can only be described as painfully embarrassing.

Recently, FX has established itself as a great venue for interesting, edgy television - shows like Always Sunny, Damages and the Shield have made it a network filled with quality programming. How will its newest show, Lights Out compare?

Someone needs to let Barbara Walters know that she's not a comedian. She walked onto The View today in a boxing outfit, claiming that the presents were from Santa to help her fend off the ladies during their incessant fighting.

Fitness myths! Crystal diet! Fat marathons! Kiddie runs! Happy Meals! Carnivore cancer! Wine diet! Boxing girls! And your daily inspiration to make you feel ashamed! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—comparatively poorly!

At this recent boxing match, Polish singer Mateusz Krautwurst absolutely butchers our national anthem, begging the question: Why sign up to sing the anthem if you clearly don't know one word of the song? Well, either way, thank you Mateusz.

[Two Thai senators prepare to kick the crap out of each other in a kickboxing ring at Parliament in Bangkok, to promote the preservation of Muay Thai. Image via AP]

Yesterday, boxer Floyd Mayweather went on Ustream for a 10-minute live chat with fans. During that time, Mayweather unleashed repeated racist and homophobic attacks against both his rival, Manny Pacquiao, and "haters" in the chat room. The shocking video, inside.

Last night at BB King's on 42nd St., Albert Gore III—the 27 year-old son of our nation's most almost President—faced an opponent in the Corporate Boxing Challenge. We were live on the scene, to cover this historic violence.

Want to see a privileged white kid get his ass kicked? Al Gore Jr. ("Kid Blanco") is participating in a heavyweight Wall Street boxing match tomorrow, for indulging homoeroti—I mean, for charity. His opponent: Ken "The Carnivore" Cunningham.

Hiram Monserrate lost his state senate seat after slashing his girlfriend's face with broken glass. Yesterday, Monserrate's former chief of staff was arrested for being a childish jerk. Everything Monserrate touches turns to shit. Now, you can legally punch him.

Can strong core muscle workouts and avoiding bad stew give you plump lips, a killer imperialist warrior spirit, and a victory over Manny Pacquiao? These and other important issues are explored in today's Fitness Watch—we're watching fitness, downward doggedly!

Just as she hinted at last week, Kim took a huge blow right in the kisser in last night's Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Unfortunately, it took place in a boxing ring and wasn't nearly as satisfying as we'd hoped.

Jon Gosselin needs a job. Boxing needs a savior. Michael Lohan (pictured!) needs someone to fight. Do we smell the sweet aroma of cultural convergence?

When Star reporter Kate Major quit "journalism" in order to pursue love with Jon Gosselin, some questioned whether the move was wise. Well, the haters can quiet down: Kate's made it. To celebrity boxing (refereeing).

Steve Barnes (pictured), the Albany restaurant critic who was assaulted by a professional mixed martial arts fighter last year (probably) because of something he wrote, reports today: Albany restaurateurs are going to punch each other.

Remember that movie Rocky? Where a guy is really humble and tough and trains really hard and overcomes all kinds of obstacles? This is the exact opposite of that.