Actually, no he won’t. But the former Growing Pains star and born-again nutjob does have a movie coming out called Fireproof, and according to the LA Times it “has been No. 1 in advance sales on movie ticketing site Fandango.com with 31% of this week's business, albeit in a slow marketplace— even outpacing sales for the big-budget popcorn thriller Eagle Eye, starring heartthrob Shia LaBeouf.” How in the name of Boner Stabone is this possible?You guessed it: Fireproof is another of Cameron's religious-themed movies, and thanks to bulk purchases by church groups, it seems likely to rake in the big bucks this weekend and beyond. So what will these crowds be treated to? How about Kirk Cameron as a heroic fireman who’s having problems with his wife? But instead of taking the heathen’s way out and getting a divorce, he looks to God to teach him how to be a better husband. Sounds thrilling to be sure, but don’t go expecting another Passion of the Christ here; Jesus on the cross can outdraw Kirk on the ladder any day. But still, you godless A-listers better watch your back: Cameron is coming for you, and he’s got the Lord on his side. Amen. [Photo Credit: Getty Images]

Small in Japan: It was bound to happen eventually: We've finally found the one country in the world where The Dark Knight is underperforming. Japanese moviegoers have reportedly bowed out of the global phenomenon, with TDK hovering around the equivalent of $8.7 million in its second week of release. In comparison, observers point to the film's $14 million take during the same frame in Korea, as well as Batman Begins' own $14 million Japanese opening three years ago. Why the plunge? Competition from Hayao Miyazaki's blockbuster Ponyo on the Cliff — currently sitting at $93 million after only a month in theaters — hasn't helped. Nor has its unrelenting heaviness, says one critic: "Japanese movie fans expect such films to be fun and action-packed, for the hero to be attractive, for the villain to be loud and outrageous, and for the movie itself to be easy to understand and light." At least that should brighten post-Hulk spirits at Marvel: Iron Man opens in Japan on Sept. 20. [Film Junk via /film]

There's something about Zohan. The overseas box office had been buoyed recently by a flurry of well-received summer releases, the most confounding being Spain's love affair with Adam Sandler's You Don't Mess With the Zohan. What, exactly, is it about a crimping-iron-wielding Mossad agent that has locals skipping siestas to catch the comedy two, sometimes three times? We sent the data to the Defamer Foreign Box Office Analysis Dept.They sent back a busy graph that showed a confluence of lines plotting summer hours, male bulge humor, and funny Mediterranean accents. Add to that a diversion-hungry populace still shellshocked from the time Gwyneth Paltrow and her redheaded Hell's Angels boyfriend literally ate their way through the country, and you have what could be considered the perfect summer movie storm.

It's probably asking a lot for a Monday, but pretend for just a second that you're Focus Features, Universal's mini-major offshoot and the folks who last January made the single biggest buy in the history of the Sundance Film Festival: Hamlet 2, which sneaked into Park City at the last minute and left 10 days later with lukewarm (at best) reviews and a check for $11 million. So imagine your signature was on that check, and imagine how much weight you'll lose this week as your appetite plunges with Hamlet 2's box-office prospects: $435,000 on 103 screens, averaging $4,223 per for one of the most profound festival flops of the decade — not to mention the film that bumps Steve Coogan back to ensemble/supporting-class in American movies. To be fair, the film goes wider later this week, and Focus always has the UK release this fall and whatever slight cult audience accrues for video. So it could be worse — now imagine you're Rainn Wilson.As we anticipated last Friday, TV viewers' Wilson goodwill isn't exactly multiplex-ready. The Rocker's marketing misfires, non-existent word-of-mouth and release-date follies yielded a $2.8 million, 12th-place opening. We're not in the short-sighted camp that thinks Fox is having the Summer From Hell — not with The Happening and What Happens in Vegas finding very respectable profits overseas — but there really is no positive way to spin this one, at least not for his toplining future. Until further notice, Wilson is Dwight Schrute and the clever bit-parter who has a way with pregnancy-test pitches and other Oscar-winning patois — maybe not in that order, but at least in that zone. Maybe a few scenes in Inglorious Bastards? Our Mondays are too fragile as it is to go through this again.

Attribute it to whatever phenomena you want — the potheads stayed away, the groupies weren't interested, RetardGate '08 — but Tropic Thunder opened softer than planned on Wednesday. Ben Stiller's Hollywood satire pulled in around $7.5 million, prompting observers to downgrade their weekend estimates that should nevertheless keep the film in first place above Star Wars: The Clone Wars and The Dark Knight this weekend. The turnout looked that much worse when compared to that of Pineapple Express, which drew more than $12 million last Wednesday — the best midweek, R-rated comedy opening in ages.That didn't discourage the gang at DreamWorks, however, who argued that their $90 million raunchfest has what it takes to measure up eventually: "We will play to a little older audience than Pineapple Express, so we should do better on Saturday and get to about the same box office," a "source" told Nikki Finke, apparently overlooking the lack of a pot subplot or panty-soaking James Franco to buttress Thunder's run. We're a little more skeptical and think this calls for more desperate measures: If ever the 'Works needed to reinstate its gold mine at SImpleJackMovie.com, now is the hour.

Smokin': Those early estimates that pegged Pineapple Express for a superb $10 million Wednesday opening may have turned out to be conservative. Another box-office observer sends word that the year's biggest stoner comedy/Franco-sex-appeal testimonial in fact raked in $12.15 million in its first day — a fairly staggering figure for an R-rated comedy. Bowing on a Wednesday. In the first week of August. The revised tracking also suggests Express has enough momentum to wrest box-office superiority from The Dark Knight this weekend, but we're not so sure: The same tracking suggested The Mummy 3 would have similar success last weekend (it didn't), and in any case, Express will need all of its five-day numbers — as much as $45 million by some estimates — just to beat Dark Knight's three-day figure. Check out tomorrow morning's Defamer Attractions column, where we'll call our official shot. [Fantasy Moguls]

BREAKING BATNEWS: Word just over the transom says The Dark Knight has broken $400 million in domestic box office in just its 18th day of release — a new record surpassing Shrek 2's previous 43-day milestone. Defamer sources attribute yesterday's nudge to Al Gorman, a 44-year old plumber from Columbus, Ohio, in whose name Warner Bros. commemorated "the Gorman Seat" at the AMC Lennox Town Center 24 with a special plaque and new black upholstery. Gorman's health insurer, meanwhile, promptly canceled his coverage on account of his newly accursed exposure to drug overdoses, car rolling and kin-assaults. [Variety]

The Dark Knight's record-breaking opening left us entranced by not only its tsunami of cash, but also by the news, commentary and other unclassifiable phenomena we spotted in its wake around the Web. For your Monday morning convenience, here's a glimpse at what the biggest three-day box-office weekend in history will get you:

If you emerged from Saturday's city-wide, Paps vs. Surfs caste riots with two or more limbs (and both flip-flops) intact, consider yourselves one of the lucky ones: It was a massacre out there, folks. Slow the bleeding with the box office numbers from this robust, bullet-bending moviegoing weekend:

Two percent doesn't sound like much of a quantity on its face, but it's apparently more than enough room for studio execs to rejoice after recent box-office scans reveal this year's grosses are slightly up from those of Summer 2007. Observers attribute part of the bump to "better-than-expected" openings for films like Kung-Fu Panda, Sex and the City, The Happening and The Incredible Hulk, with the latter film's $55 million opening rounding out Marvel Studios' blockbuster tandem with Iron Man.

A just-about-perfect L.A. weekend is now over. Stir a little extra Hazelnut Coffee Mate into your World's Sexiest Assistant mug, and bite absentmindedly into some raspberry-jelly-filled box office numbers. We'll get through this:

Whether you spent your Sunday pridefully snorkeling Jäger bombs in WeHo or simply watching the Lakers' Championship hopes slip away, chances are, you're feeling pretty gnarly this morning. Here's some box-office-numbers hair of the dog to ease your crushing hangover:

The Brazilian wax you scheduled to coincide with your Sex and the City opening night party may have now given way to the discomforting condition known as a Bolivian rash—but luckily for you there exists no better topical salve than the weekend's boffo numbers:

[Margin of error: +/- 9.5 trillion]

And we're off! At the stroke of midnight, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull began screening on 4260 U.S. screens, and 12,000 more around the planet.

Happy May Day. Why? Aside from May flowers, this month will finally bring some answers regarding all those conflicting box office predictions made in the trades weeks ago: will the upcoming back-to-back openings of Iron Man, Speed Racer, Prince Caspian and Indy 4 crush recession worries as Variety predicted? Or is the 19% decline in spring grosses only going to continue, as THR suggested mid-April? Well, the folks at Moviefone have provided us with a bit of guidance in the form of a poll measuring audience anticipation. And despite early rave reviews for Downey Jr.'s performance in Iron Man, the scores of kids aching for more Narnia adventures and testosterone-invigorating posters for Indy 4, it seems the majority of audience-goers only want to talk about Sex, baby.

Variety today predicted that next month could be Hollywood's biggest May ever, with four consecutive weeks of big titles — Iron Man, Speed Racer, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian and Indiana Jones 4 — leading the way into the more conventional blockbuster season of June and July. Of course, it was only a couple of weeks ago when some analysts suggested that a weak May hinted at an overall weak summer to come, but Pamela McClintock takes a more optimistic view: "For studios, the question isn't whether three of the May films can shoot past the $300 million mark domestically, as Spider-Man 3, Shrek the Third and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End ultimately did," she notes. "The question is whether the product is strong enough as a whole to make up for the lack of the three mega-franchises. ... Speed Racer, rated PG, may not open as big as the others but could have strong legs." Also of note: the bankable chick flicks Made of Honor and Sex and the City, whose $100 million won't be enough to break those studio heads' falls if and when their tentpoles snap. We'll know where to look for casualties in about a month. [Variety]

On a Monday when Jet Li, Jackie Chan and Jason Segel's penis duked it out for biggest story at the weekend box office, another argument was taking place among indie followers who witnessed a different star performance altogether: Ben Stein, whose anti-Darwinist screed Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed finished in the week's ninth-place spot with $3.1 million. Its $2,997 per-screen average — no great shakes for most mainstream openers — is nevertheless more than double the $1,401 average of Morgan Spurlock's Where In the World is Osama Bin Laden? To hear at least one documentary observer tell it after the jump, love Stein or hate him, this is pretty big:

Keep the Monday morning blues at bay via the savory comforts of a matzoh, egg, and bacon breakfast sandwich, plus a generous helping of home-fried box office numbers:

We always love a good box-office panic story this time of year, with studio execs smiling in your face and shitting in their pants while some exhibition insider somewhere blames the coming collapse on a batch of rotten tentpoles. Thank goodness for Carl DiOrio, whose Hollywood Reporter survey today notes that the spring season is down 19% from 2007 while summer promises even spicier drama to come: