When Portland's Don Derfler looked out his window and saw the mailman lingering in his neighbor's yard, "I thought he had a bunch of packages for us." Oh, yes, he did. Derfler continues:

There is a certain kind of child who always has sticky red popsicle slush dribbling down his chin. Everyone blames farts and lice outbreaks on him. How did ex-certified hottie Jessica Simpson become Hollywood's version of that kid?