Top DEA administrator Michele Leonhart announced Tuesday that she’ll be stepping down in the aftermath of revelations that her agents got down and dirty with Colombian prostitutes.

A 21-year-old woman from Boulder is currently in police custody for having allegedly blown heroin smoke on her boyfriend's cat, Muffin, until it succumbed to a massive overdose.

Luckily everyone has until Monday, April 18—rather than the customary April 15th—to file their taxes. Sure, many people (especially freelancers) are going to be cutting a giant check to Uncle Sam. But lots of people will be getting money back from the government. Here are some of the things you can buy with your newfound riches.

A new report by the EU's drug agency places Britain on top of the world's cocaine consuming nations, with more young Britons having used cocaine than Americans in the same age group. There's also been an increase in crack smoking.

Australian authorities have seized a South American ship carrying over 1,000 pounds of cocaine, valued at $159 million, after a tip-off from the DEA. Australian Justice Minister Brendan O'Connor said the bust was "a great blow" to drug smugglers.

People in the UK got upset over this ad, because of drugs. Hold on there: it's an anti-drug ad, allegedly. The lesson is, ad people love to work while high. [via Adrants. Click to enlarge]

While a story about how Los Angeles's fun supply could be threatened by anti-narcotic crackdowns might ordinarily be an occasion to panic, we can all be comforted by the knowledge that the exciting innovations in smuggling technology being developed outside of U.S. borders could probably be adopted by domestic suppliers before a bottleneck brings our city to a grinding halt.

TMZ is the bearer of breaking good news for any troubled, three-time rehabber who, while in the thrall of the SUV-jacking demons of Addiction, suddenly finds his or herself wearing someone else's coke-pants in a parking lot full of Santa Monica cops: Lindsay Lohan will not be charged with any felonies in conjunction with her DUI/cocaine possession arrest and Memorial Day meltdown, as a surprisingly compassionate DA has decided to file a mere seven misdemeanor charges against the sometime actress. A source explains to TMZ:

Free of Disney's killjoy, control-freak publicity department, Keith Richards can now admit that he actually did snort his dad's ashes. And he didn't even cut the paternal cremains with cocaine! Now that's a badass move. [NME]

The dogged persistence with which Lindsay Lohan appears to be grinding her career into a fine powder and snorting it off the seat of the crapper is so thorough, and so consistent, that it's almost a welcome show of commitment in this fickle town. In addition to appearing headed for a long, glorious career in the straight-to-video market thanks to I Know Who Killed Me, Lindsay has also managed to convince the folks at Louis Vuitton that she's a sticky-fingered little wastrel who can't be trusted:

Viewers of Wednesday night's friendly chat between Paris Hilton and CNN softballer Larry King will recall the interview's one marginally tense moment, when King's spit take of disbelief following his subject's repeated claims that she'd never done drugs showered the heiress in the host's black coffee, ruining her best "prison has made me a better, more compassionate person" outfit.

Just moments ago, internet-based celebrity toxicology-analysis firm TMZ.com exclusively revealed that Lindsay Lohan, whose extended imprisonment at a minimum security Malibu facility has been unfairly overshadowed by an attention-whoring rival's brief, court-ordered vacation in an unfashionable part of town, may have been under the influence of alcohol and drugs during her Memorial Day Weekend joy ride:

Ignoring party-positive stage mom Dina Lohan's obvious on-camera charisma and agreeable red-carpetside manner, today's Page Six claims that Entertainment Tonight might only have engaged her services to penetrate troubled daughter Lindsay's anti-media defenses:

Passing up the opportunity to run far more shocking images of a bear caught in the act of defecating in the woods or of the Pope celebrating a Catholic Mass, the UK's News of the World has published a series of blurry stills culled from a post-rehab video allegedly depicting Lindsay Lohan and a pal blowing a rail or 20 in a Teddy's ladies room stall, footage that a well-intentioned friend is sharing with the paper out of concern that the public has heretofore been woefully uninformed about the starlet's love of a little harmless partying. Because the internet is a wondrous and magical place, the pictures have already been assembled into a kicky montage and set to an upbeat soundtrack proliferating on the YouTubes, effectively communicating the spirit of carefree Hollywood fun in which they were taken.

· Hey, guess who was kidding about snorting his dad? Truth be told, we liked it better when he wasn't just bullshitting. That was pretty hardcore.
· Sure, our sister site Consumerist got to the bottom of the mystery of Jamba Juice's ingredients. But we hope they don't go after Pinkberry next, because those people will fucking cut you.
· You know who's a really successful movie star? That Will Smith guy.
· Tomorrow's hot excuse for erratic celebrity behavior: diabetic shock.

Proving once again that the current generation of celebrity drug abusers are nothing but a bunch of dilettante stall-monkeys, first-ballot Rock N' Roll Addict Hall of Famer Keith Richards has admitted to taking his father's tantalizing ashes, "grinding him up with a little bit of blow," and snorting the old man into whatever special part of Heaven is reserved for those whose offspring cheerily desecrate their parents' earthly remains. Things, of course, could always have been worse, as a particularly debauched night easily could have resulted in Richards cooking up his father in a spoon and injecting him between his outstretched toes, a fate even less glamorous than the one he actually suffered.

We hardly need to tell you where to obtain your coke: Ever since the passage of the Los Angeles Cocaine Legalization Act of 2004, Hollywood's preferred social lubricant has been readily available at every Starbucks, Ralphs, and CostCo (at deep bulk discounts) in the city. However, we recognize that sometimes you'd like a little company when blowing rails, for while cutting up a couple of lines by yourself and settling in for a night of The Jeffersons reruns has its own rewards, there's really no substitute for crowding into a bathroom stall and enjoying the unique camaraderie of communing with strangers over a shared eight-ball. For those nights when you're craving some companionship, we point you to Gridskipper's guide to the local bars where you might find a new friend with whom to shovel some snow with a tiny spoon. An excerpt:

Sure, you've snorted it off the cleavage of a new, busty friend delightfully incurious about why someone who's supposedly the "head producer" of Grey's Anatomy wants to party in the back seat of a 1994 Honda Civic, but have you ever really took the time to think about where your favorite recreational drug comes from? This instructive video passed along by our friends at LAist details the gasoline (both recycled and fresh varieties), coca, quicklime, and sulfuric acid cocktail used to produce your powdery friend in distant jungles, yet stops short of showing the step where the strawberry flavoring is added, allowing you to go right on blowing rails of the finest bathroom stall Quik your dealer has to offer without unpleasant thoughts about the artificial additives giving your high its delicious, fruity flavor.

· We assumed that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes pulled off this height-levelling illusion by having the bride stand in a two foot hole hidden beneath her wedding dress, but the WOW Report's X-ray technology seems to disprove our initial hypothesis.
Silly Maldivians! If the newlyweds weren't talking to the Italians who built them shrines, what makes you think they're going to want to chat with you?
If A-Gold is worth $4 million a script, we bet the J-Lo can get at least twice that amount for her scribblings.
Denzel Washington might be harboring an inappropriate crush on Man on Fire co-star Dakota Fanning. [fourth item]
· We could care less what this "scientific study" says; in our heart of hearts, we know we're living in the most coketastic city in the entire world. On that note: See you Friday! (Yup, we're working, even if you're not.)