The internet is washing its hands in scalding hot water over and over a thousand times today, following a very detailed report that a sex tape featuring "a large dildo," "a gag ball" "a slapper paddle," and the slapper paddle known as Joe Jonas is about to surface online.

Every once in a while, a name comes a long that is so fake, so not-real, so obviously made up, that you literally cannot fathom an alternate universe in which it might ever exist.