This weekend, I caught up on a movie I had been meaning to see because it’s about a shark, was directed by Jaume Collet-Serra (who directed one of my favorite trashy movies of the 21st century, Orphan), is certified “fresh” on Rotten Tomatoes, and came recommended by people whose opinions I trust. A scrappy little B-movie that, after just two weekends in theaters, has already grossed about $20 million more than its $17 million budget, The Shallows is a single-setting thriller along the lines of 127 Hours, The Ruins, Frozen (the ski-lift one, not the Disney one whose songs continue to fill our ears and haunt our lives), and Buried (which starred Ryan Reynolds, the husband of Shallows star Blake Lively). More than anything, though, The Shallows is a giant crock of shit.

I’m not lying.

Last year, actress Blake Lively launched her very own shoppable “lifestyle” website called “Preserve.” What began as an inscrutable, MySpace-style GOOP imitation quickly deteriorated into something more sinister, with Blake posting again and again about her longing for the Antebellum South.

America's genetic dream child has been born, but neither its name nor gender have been revealed. Taking into consideration its parents' aesthetic, here are the Baby Name Critic's guesses as to what the tot might have been named. Please feel free to post your own guesses in the comments section below. Blessings to all.

Hmmm, what have we here? It seems that my enemy Blake Lively has given birth to her child—a human child, suggests the New York Post, though no supporting information such as name, sex, or explicit confirmation that is in fact a human child, was furnished alongside its exclusive scoop.

Professionally charming 38-year-old Ryan Reynolds is expecting a baby with his wife, blogger Blake Lively. Reynolds, who once played a superhero in a movie, wants you to know he's not going to be like a regular dad, he's going to be a cool dad.

Sometime between Reconstruction, this episode of MTV: True Life, and the hundred-thousandth wedding held on a plantation in South Carolina, the term Southern Belle became just another friendly identifier to put in your Twitter bio, a throwaway regional label no weightier than Cali Surfer Dude. But the difference between SoCal pride and honoring your Southern gentility is that the latter celebrates the ugliest stain in America's history.

We know that actress and lifestyle guru Blake Lively can't resist the "allure of Antebellum," a period in American history characterized by "beauty and grace" and also forced labor and racist subjugation. But Lainey Gossip points out that she apparently also can't resist the allure of rephrasing articles she found on the internet.

We love hearing from our readers, even when they've got complaints. Yesterday we heard—through a lawyer—from actress Blake Lively, who demanded that we take down yesterday's post "Blake Lively's Fall Fashion Inspiration Is Slaveowners" (which you can read below):

You'd think that after 12 Years a Slave won all those Oscars, slaves are over. But you'd be thinking wrong, says actress and lifestyle guru Blake Lively, whose dogged pursuit of the joie de vivre associated with slavery is such that she chose to be married on a Southern plantation. According to a Lively-styled fashion spread on her lifestyle website Preserve, the hottest lifestyle for fall is the lifestyle of owning human beings without government interference.

The female experiment collaged into existence from God's aspirational Pinterest board, Blake Lively, has reached another milestone on her languid, golden journey toward inevitable death: She is pregnant.

With our imperfect knowledge and limited faculties constrained, as they are, by the hedges of time and space, we cannot "know," in the narrow, popularly-used sense of the word, which of the Ten Commandments Blake Lively violated that prompted God to turn her birthday into a bee hell, but it was probably 9.

Preserve is actress Blake Lively's "lifestyle" blog that "honors the future, while having a love affair with the past." Preserve is home to a fictional essay titled "Flower Beards: Summer's Hottest Trend? Or a Death Sentence? A Story By Sir Willups Brightslymoore," which is about a man being beaten to death. The target audience for Preserve is the ghost of Felicity, American Girl doll. Preserve is completing its third week of public existence. Preserve is the most disturbing site on the web.

On Monday, The Cut posted an interview with a person. This one happened to be named Blake Lively, which is funny because she wasn't. Nor particularly interesting! Plenty polite, though, and intermittently coherent, which is more than you can say for most commercial grade toaster ovens on the market today.

The person Ryan Reynolds suffered a rather unusual indignity last weekend, according to Radar Online: a drunk fellow passenger on his Sunday evening flight from New York to New Orleans threw up on him. Reynolds' lovely wife Blake Lively is not believed to have been injured in the incident.

Like it has so many of you, Blake Lively's wedding to Canada's sweetheart Guy That Canada Wrought Ryan Reynolds has affected me personally in innumerable ways.

OK, we can all relax — Blake Lively's ex-boyfriend and Gossip Girl co-star Penn Badgley is happy she got hitched.

According to People Magazine, Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively were married Sunday evening near Charleston, South Carolina. This is the second marriage for Reynolds – he was previously married for two years to Scarlett Johansson – and the first for Lively. Reynolds was also engaged to Alanis Morissette for over two years in the mid-2000s.

Mystifying careerist Taylor Kitsch said that filming sex scenes with his Savages co-star Blake Lively was "very awkward" because he didn't really know her at all, and that "he was just glad it was over with to be honest."

This just in: According to Blake Lively, Blake Lively has never been on a date, ever.