“Dog bites man.” That is, canonically, not News. But “Man crashes wedding, bites cop and police dog (police dog also bites cop)?” That’s what Santa Barbara, Calif., police say occurred on Saturday night, and it is News, my friends. News!

Low-rent Punxsutawney Phil impersonator Jimmy the Groundhog has the easy annual task of predicting each February whether Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, will experience six more weeks of winter (yes: it is in Wisconsin). This year, the job got to him a little bit as he whispered his prognostication into Mayor Jonathan Freund's ear: The weather will be—got your ear, sucker! I'm biting your damn ear off! How you like me now?

A 4o-year-old father was arrested by police last Friday on a felony maiming charge after he allegedly bit the ear off a man he got in an argument with at the Lanes at Coffee Creek bowling alley in Owasso, Okla. Doctors were apparently unable to reattach the ear.

Peripatetic poet-reporter Charlie LeDuff, author of Detroit: An American Autopsy, was arrested and* charged with aggravated assault after allegedly biting a security guard's finger this weekend, the Detroit Free Press reported. The incident happened at a St. Patrick's Day parade.

Newser picked up on a story Thursday from a suburb just outside of New Orleans, where a young bottlenose dolphin displaced by Hurricane Katrina has turned a local canal into his personal bachelor pad.

On Monday evening, an unidentified woman allegedly walked into a Denver convenience store, groped a male customer and bit him on the neck, then allegedly bit the clerk on the neck after asking for a hug. Police consider her armed to the teeth ... with teeth!

Given what we write about police sometimes, you might conclude that all officers ever do is beat up homeless men, drive drunk, and carelessly toss internal documents into Dumpsters. But cops do more than that, sometimes!

Is there any worse pet than a small, yapping dog? No, and that fact has now been confirmed—with numbers.

"Lucky," the terrifying monkey that bit 120 people in Japan last year, has been brought back under the watchful eye of the Japanese state after briefly escaping. She was captured using the sophisticated "call her name repeatedly" technique.

An Illinois man has been accused of training his dog to bite a woman during their arguments. Talk about the Lincoln-"Dog"-las debates! Right? Really, though, this is not a very nice way to win arguments.

To escape from being turned into a vampire and to free herself from a bed post, Tara gets insanely sexual on tonight's True Blood. When Franklin tells her to get even more kinky by biting his own flesh, she obliges.

Jane Clark, the former Fox News employee who is now suing the company that managed the network's bedbug-infested headquarters, had a press conference today where she showed off the results of her vicious multiple bitings at the hands of the bloodthirsty insects. Take heed, potential Fox News guests: this may be the fate that awaits you! Two more graphic photos of Clark's welt-ridden neck, after the jump.