When 18-year-old Austin Whaley and a few of his buddies decided to run into the famed Convington, Kentucky bingo hall and yell "bingo," they probably thought it'd be a fun, harmless prank. They couldn't have been more wrong. Police Sgt. Richard Webster, fresh off the career case, described the scene at the hall, which was mostly filled with elderly women, after the false "bingo" shout:

And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for I am Beyoncé and this is my Super Bowl halftime show."

In yet another sign that American values are doomed, Fox News has uncovered the shocking truth about how detained illegal immigrants are treated in your country: They're allowed to play bingo! And they have access to libraries! Is nothing sacred?

Here's a bright ray of sunshine piercing through the dark skies of the newspaper industry: Bingo Gossip. It's thriving! Could Missy Mouser, the 26-year-old founder of this free bimonthly tabloid chronicling the lighter side of the Texas bingo world hold the answers for what ails the publishing business? YES, if the predilections of elderly Texas bingo fans are any indication!:

Now you have one less way to waste time at work and one less reason to get pissed off at your "friends." Scrabulous—the Scrabble rip-off available for online play at Facebook—has finally been shut down. So now you have to play real, Hasbro-owned Scrabble. Or just go here. This is perhaps not the best environment in which to launch our own exciting murder mystery online board game "Hint", is it. [NYT]

· Producers pass on our suggestions of indie darlings like Chloe Sevigny or Selma Blair, and go instead with multi-hyphenate hoochie Willa Ford to play Anna Nicole Smith in a movie about her life. (Now with happy ending!) [Variety]
· CBS is teaming with Jermaine, Tito and LaToya Jackson for Pop Dynasty, an American Idol-style search for the next superstar singing family no one will care about or watch! Michael would have joined, but he's knee-deep in giant robot blueprints at the moment. [Variety]
· What will surely go down as the Summer America Went Bingo Crazy officially kicks off May 18, when ABC premieres its much-anticipated National Bingo Night. [Variety]
· The premiere of The Sopranos' final season draws 7.66 million viewers, down by nearly 2 million from its last premiere in March, throwing Bobby even deeper into his guilt-spiral over whether it was even worth it to wait this long to pop his whacking cherry. [Variety]
· On the heels of news that that Lee Majors may return to primetime TV now comes a report that Tom Selleck is "in discussions" to take over for the Las Vegas's recently departed James Caan, edgily cast as Josh Duhamel's new daddy love interest. [THR]

Earlier today, in briefly discussing the brainstorming session that produced the concept for sure-to-be runaway hit The Great American Singing Bee (i.e., "Horowitz 'came to me and said, "Two words: Singing bee," ' Gurin said. 'I said, "Bingo," and we began developing it.'") [Ed.note—Yeah, we're still not sure we get it.], we jokingly mentioned that a gameshow-crazed NBC was also developing a complementary, bingo-themed project. A helpful tipster quickly reminded us that rival ABC's best alternative programming minds were already way ahead of us (and NBC) on this one. Behold the upcoming National Bingo Night, or as it will soon be popularly known as per our previous flight of supposed fancy, People Shouting At A Fucking Huge Cage Full of Numbered Ping-Pong Balls