During Tuesday's swearing in of Ashton Carter, our new Secretary of Defense, Vice President Joe Biden had a word or two reserved for Carter's wife, Stephanie. What words they were, we'll never know, because they were whispered sensuously into her ear, but here are some possible words: sweet; cheeks; Bubba J; grind; heyooooo; stuffed; thrust.

Vice President Joe Biden is no stranger to saying redonkulous* things (*his choice of words, probably), but the past two days he's achieved the Biden Double Down In It to Win It Special by referencing Shylock when discussing shady bankers yesterday, then referring to Asia as the Orient while talking about Singaporean politician Lee Kuan Yew today.

Vice President Joe Biden, my friend and yours, is not out here to fuck around, no matter how you slice it. To ISIS, terrorists, or anyone at all whose primary goal is to intimidate and injure Americans, Biden has a clear message: all of you will reside in hell. Good riddance, you pieces of shit.

While speaking at the White House's Summit on Working Families on Monday, Joe "Wilmington, Delaware" Biden said that despite what everyone thinks, he only has a couple polyester suits and a tub of old shoe polish to his name.