"Girrrrrrrl, u don't take sh#@ from anybody. U are fab-u-lous," announces the completely earnest new website of Ellie Scarborough, daughter of highest-paid NYC news anchor Chuck. For $272, Ellie will send text messages and "better-than-sex truffles" to cheer you up.

Blogger-hating, not-gay-sex having, would-be baseball bat wielding, non-Jessica Simpson dating, punk rockier than you former TV star Jared Leto has had his nose broken while his band was playing in Texas. He was, in an extremely unlikely turn of events, stampeded by fans. This is a sad day for all of us. Now the only dream we have left unfulfilled is to watch Zach Braff tickle-tortured by a gang of bonobos until he pukes to death on his own smug laughter.