Kentuckian Harvey Westmoreland didn't want any trouble when he tried to sell his lawnmower to some friends. But trouble sure found him. What happened, Harvey? "[E]verything just went haywire... They cut my beard and forced me to eat it."

Check out this video in which fauxhemians try to explain the ideology behind their facial adornment. One young man claims to have grown a beard "out of spite," and another explains it as a "Williamsburg" thing. Such a thoughtful bunch.

[The 2010 European Beard and Moustache Championships took place today in Leogang, Austria. Take that, Brooklyn. Image via AP]

When Paul Rudd walked onto the set of Live today, all eyes—and hands—were on the actor's mega-beard. Although the beard is "not by choice," Rudd still had to endure questions of conditioning and Regis' old-man hands touching his face.

[A competitor presents himself to the jury at Garmisch-Partenkirchen, Germany's 25th annual beard competition. Kari Ferrell would be in heaven. Image via Getty.]

We can all stop speculating now about Zach's "disappearing beard" during Saturday's episode! As SNL Backstage has just revealed, he decided to shave his beard off during Vampire Weekend's last song. Video of the-world's-fastest-beard-shave-ever inside.

Hipster Grifter Kari Ferrell sounds really clever until you notice she just re-used a few key lines over and over, via email. Uh, outrage! New email evidence concerns her imaginary beard-based coffee table book:

Kari Ferrell: pathological liar, con artist, hipster grifter, fugitive from justice. She left quite a trail. And we're on it! Today, we have pictures, video, and stories from ex-friends and (maybe) family.

However much you might wish to, there's absolutely no escaping the increasingly well-documented trend for men to sport major facial hair (especially if you've recently ventured into Williamsburg, which is like stepping into the Appalachians). Amid all the hype, though, a very important related issue has been neglected, namely, what horrible afflictions might befall a woman obliged to kiss one of these hirsute creatures? "Chafing, eczema or acne brought on by beards isn't that uncommon," says dermatologist Hema Sundaram, and she warns that facial burns that bleed might require antibiotics. We do hope that porcelain-skinned model Jessica Joffe's new romance isn't subjecting her to such horrors!

Click to viewBoomp3.com It must’ve been a case of déjà vu for actor Jonah Hill as a photographer sneaked up on him again while jogging in Hollywood. However, this time around, the photographer did not tempt Hill with cupcakes or other delicious treats. Instead, the photographer was more interested in Hill’s beard and simply asked, “What’s the deal with the beard, dude?” Hill explained that he was growing the beard because he’s going to do a guest spot on Deadliest Catch as well as to make a stab at credibility. Hill said, “Philip Seymour Hoffman has a really nice beard growing there. He’s pretty well respected. Maybe, if I had one of those things, I’d be able to do more dramatic work. Something intense or maybe a part as Nick Nolte’s crazy long lost son.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Breaking: the (female) fiancée of probably gay Florida governor Charlie Crist owns a company that manufactures beards. [HuffPo]

MTV has decided to try the novel strategy of actually running some music videos on their network, something that hasn't been seen there since the inception of The Real World. But they've added an annoying, faux-modern twist in their new show FNMTV (ha): not only will they show music videos, they'll provide a place for homemade insta-response videos made by you, the viewer. Sound asinine? Oh, it is. But everybody has something to say and deserves to say it momentarily on MTV. And it has great interactive appeal, especially if you're interested in talking burritos, dimly lit karaoke clips, and an earnest analysis of the Pussycat Dolls by some dude with a beard:

In solidarity with the Writers Guild of America, with Conan and Letterman and with Katie Holmes we're growing a strike beard. Our Solzhenitsyn-like beard has been growing since November 5th, the first day of the strike. Let's see your strike beards. Send them to tips@gawker.com

Sad news for the bear-chasers and drifter-fetishists who'd been so delighted by returning Late Show host David Letterman's recent facial hair growth: On tonight's show, Letterman will announce an on-air beard-shaving stunt scheduled for Monday that will restore his face to its smooth-as-Paul-Shaffer's-head, pre-strike state. Those who fear their newfound attraction to the comedian will fade with each tragic swipe of a barber's blade should make sure they set their TiVos to record tonight's program, lest they find themselves separated from the hirsute object of their late-night affection until CBS is ready to start rerunning these sure-to-be wildly popular "Letterbear" episodes. [NY Daily News]

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and Jada Pinkett-Smith and Will Smith (nice four-some!) are throwing the "Welcome to America" party for Posh and Becks this weekend. "Invitations went out all over Hollywood . . . they were printed on red velvet with tacky gold lettering." [Page Six]
  

We just received a copy of the anthology Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys: True Tales of Love, Lust, and Friendship Between Straight Women and Gay Men, which is pretty much what you'd expect. We were thumbing through the contents, wondering about what its contributors might have to offer (Does Ayelet Waldman love her fag more than her kids?) when we noticed an essay by Gawker founding editor and current layabout Elizabeth Spiers! Who was the gay who showed her the way? It's someone we all know and fear here at the office.

• Two Katie Couric photos today for the price of one: Study America's sweetheart as she's seduced by Antonio Banderas. Look at her maintain eye contact — we haven't seen her so focused since her last colonoscopy. [AP]
• The Times declared that beards are back, and ZZ Top celebrated. Not two weeks later, beards jump the shark with their own hot-or-not spin-off. [Bearded Dudes]
• Slate's Emily Yoffe becomes a paparazzo. Is it just us, or does that seem like a horrible invasion of celebrities' privacy, just for a few people's prurient amusement? [Slate]
• We all have those random words that, no matter what, we just can't seem to spell. For those in the media and their inept copy editors, that word would be "villain." [FishbowlNY]
• Losers, unite: Not content to merely read at the Rejection Show, disgruntled writers who have been denied love from the New Yorker come together to form the Silence of the City. Never let go of the sadness, kids. [Silence of the City]
• The Don'ts of Vice co-founder Gavin McInnes. [Blagg Blogg]
• Chimps acting in commercials are getting raises that some actors would dream of. Then again, it's a safe bet that most of the chimps are more intelligent and hard-working than their human counterparts. [AdAge]