Obama does not give a fuck anymore, according to a White House briefing, and certainly doesn’t care about Nancy Reagan’s funeral. Instead, NBC News reports, he’ll be headed to Texas for the annual horror-confluence of indie music and startup culture known as SXSW.

According to a new poll conducted by CNN and the “opinion research” firm ORC International, a majority of Americans believe Barack Obama should nominate a judge to replace the recently deceased Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia.

In what is a major get for South by Southwest (SXSW) and a deeply embarrassing move for the Office of the President, Barack Obama will be interviewed in a “keynote conversation” during the annual vanity carnival’s opening day. All of which is to say, Obama’s about to drop an app.

With headlines dominated by accounts of primaries and caucuses and badly subtitled shouting matches on national television, it is easy to forget that one Barack H. Obama (remember him?) is still President of the United States, and he has a full 330 days remaining in his term.

In an interview with Politico, conducted on Saturday as the results of the Republican primary in South Carolina rolled in, Ben Carson argued that Barack Obama didn’t really grow up black. Here’s the exchange, which began when Politico’s Glenn Thrush asked Carson if he “derived any pride, any sense of joy” out of Obama winning the 2008 election:

Bill Clinton seems to think that he is, inexplicably, a “stand-in for the first black president,” as he so carefully explained this week.

Bill Clinton has decided to start attacking his wife’s opponent for the Democratic nomination for president, since that worked so well eight years ago. At a rally in New Hampshire on Sunday, Bill mocked Bernie Sanders’s desire for “revolution” and accused Sanders supporters of sexism.

Writing in the Washington Post, President Obama has announced a ban on the use of solitary confinement for juveniles and as a punishment for low-level infractions.

Today at a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin addressed what she called “the elephant in the room”: her son Track’s particularly ill-timed arrest on domestic violence and weapons charges, which she blamed on alleged negligence of veterans on the part of Barack Obama:

At 9 p.m., President Barack Hussein Obama will have his seventh and final chance to address the country about his Muslim roots in this year’s State of the Union address. Will the “non-traditional” speech consist entirely of interpretive dance? Is Kim Davis planning to streak? Will Obama reveal his Kenyan birth certificate for a final mic drop? And did Paul Ryan manage to get his shift covered at Hollister? We’re about to find out.

Tonight, at 9 p.m. Eastern, President Barack Obama will deliver his final State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress. The White House has promised a “non-traditional speech.” It’s a stretch, but that could mean the outgoing president will reveal himself to be a member of an interdimensional race of shape-shifting reptilians, as this YouTube user suggests in an hour-long documentary, a portion of which is embedded above.

Despite the fact that terrorism sometimes happen in America, it most likely will not happen to you, and you shouldn’t fret about it too much. This message has been judged TOO HOT for the American public to hear.

In recent days, nearly 130,000 Making a Murderer fans have signed a petition on the White House website asking President Obama to pardon Steve Avery, who was found guilty of the murder of Teresa Halbach in 2007. But Avery was convicted of a state crime, not a federal one, meaning Obama couldn’t even pardon him if he wanted to.

Scott Stockert, a man from North Dakota who is known to himself as “Jesus Christ,” was arrested after police received a tip that he’d traveled to Washington, D.C. with the express purpose of kidnapping First Dog Bo Obama. A fact that is deeply embarrassing for the Obamas’ other dog—you know the one.

Earlier today, Obama shed some tears in a rare display of emotion while discussing the child victims of the Newtown massacre. Naturally, the tear truthers are already coming out in droves.

On Tuesday, the New York Times reports, President Obama will announce executive actions requiring anyone who makes a living selling guns—at gun shows, for example, or online—to register as a licensed gun dealer and conduct background checks.

President Obama is currently starting one last effort for gun control, in his final year in office. Sometime in the next two weeks, he is expected announce an executive order to require more small gun sellers to do background checks, and he plans to pitch that idea and other gun-control measures to the American public at a CNN-televised town hall Thursday.

Jerry Seinfeld’s Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee premiered online at Crackle last night with a very special episode featuring the president. They drove some old Corvette thing and walked around the White House lawn before Seinfeld asked a serious question: “How many world leaders do you think are just completely out of their mind?”

At a campaign event in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, on Tuesday, Donald Trump, who has spent the past week advocating for a mandatory database of Muslim Americans, ushered his rabid supporters towards that old Tea Party favorite: President Barack Obama is a secret Muslim.