The Emmy announcements are no exception to the time-worn awards show tradition of news outlets eliciting statements from the newly shortlisted artists—asking them, still dizzy from their gold-star high, to try as best as they can to put into words what it feels like to be recognized as more talented than their peers. (Until the night of the ceremony, that is, when four of the five are again reminded of their mediocrity.) We present a round-up of some of the most memorable, "it's just an honor to be mentioned in the same breath as Two and a Half Men" reactions:
· "This is an outrage." - Tina Fey [Variety]
· Nomination presenter Kyra Sedgwick deconstructs the existential dilemma of having to read one's own name off the TelePrompter: "It was pretty nauseating. I couldn't believe they wouldn't tell us before!I just thought, if I won't be nominated, I'll take a deep breath and be grateful I'm there to announce. It was a surprise." [USA Today]

So blinded were we by the ostentation of Paramount's eye-catching, two-page, "We made so much money last week that Brad Grey is buying everyone solid-gold robots" spread for Transformers that we completely missed this far more subtle ad lurking in pages of Variety this morning.

After unburying himself from the avalanche of unwanted Emmy For Your Consideration screeners that had immobilized him for four days, a Defamer reader, still weak and dehydrated from his ordeal, considerately photographed the pile which had nearly killed him and delivered the images to our inbox with the message, "Did someone really think I was going to watch all this shit?" Indeed, it's hard to believe that the people who sent along DVDs for Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy or Brotherhood actually intended that recipients watch them; instead, they were probably considerately included in mass-mailings to prime voters' disc shredders (like the one pictured after the jump) for the intense usage of Emmy nomination season.

We're still a good six weeks out from pretending to care about the Emmys, but LAT Gold Derby blogger Tom O'Neil spent some time this weekend kidnapping TV Academy voters as they left a Beverly Hills Hilton screening of awards candidates, then waterboarding them in the back of a van until they begged their cruel interrogator to exclusively take down the names of the ten contenders that will soon be narrowed down to a mere five nominees. (You've never seen a man truly suffer until he's spent ten minutes trying to cough the words "Grey's Anatomy" through excruciatingly waterlogged lungs.) While we'd never dare dissipate the delicious tension of the Emmy nominations parties you've planned for July 19th by reprinting the lists here, we will note a handful of key snubbees from the drama category: The Shield, Brothers & Sisters, Rescue Me, and [sci-fi fans please look away, for it's just too horrible to contemplate] Battlestar Galactica. The full lists, for TV fans with poor impulse control, can be found here.

· After a summerlong run of sequel-clogged weekends where the eventual winner of the box office battle was all too obvious, the outcome of the upcoming Die Hard vs. Ratatouille fight seems up for grabs. We're not betting against Pixar, even though we'll probably wind up watching John McClane blow shit up. [Variety]
· Oh yeah Die Hard made $9.1 million on Wednesday, its first official day of release. Is that a lot? We're not good with midweek box office record data. [THR]
· Universal signs up erstwhile Biggest Comedy Star In the World Jim Carrey for Sober Buddies, one of those magical projects with a title so concise that we don't have to waste any time explaining it. (OK, OK, Carrey is a Sober Buddy who falls off the wagon while helping an alcoholic pal on a business trip in Vegas. Hilarity ensues, etc etc.) [Variety]
· 3.2 million viewers tuned in to CNN to for Larry King's post-jail interview with Paris Hilton. While this was King's highest rated show since 2005, consider that three times more people watched So You Think You Can Dance on Wednesday night if you'd like to feel a little better about the public's TV-watching taste levels. [THR]
· We would never ask you to start thinking about the Oscars in late June. That's just sick, really. [Variety]

Watching the telecast live from home, Rosie answered fan questions in real time on her blog, where she confirmed a backstage comment from best game show host winner (suck on that, Trebek) Bob Barker, who said O'Donnell—his first choice!—would be meeting with The Price is Right producers to discuss the possibility of fulfilling her long-held dream of becoming his Plinko-administrating successor. For O'Donnell, the development is a major coup, and proves kiss-assy full page ads in Variety really do work, but that will do little to console Price purists, who are dreading their visions of contestants' row bidders reaching into her pantsuit pocket to pull out Koosh Balls instead of $100 bills, and Showcase Showdown grand prizes consisting of lesbian family cruises to Antigua.

Airing tonight on CBS—your home for awards shows no one cares about!-Daytime Emmys producers were willing to try bold and unorthodox gimmicks to increase viewership, such as literally installing 200 hysterical soap fans on the stage alongside the presenters and winners. It's a prospect that doesn't sit well with some nominees:

The David Carr-Kurt Andersen Mutual Admiration Society survives competition for minor awards amongst its members. [WWD]

Readers of the hard-copy of today's Variety were greeted by a promotional cover needily advocating the Emmy-worthiness of the entire Grey's Anatomy ensemble, including recovering castectomy patient Isaiah Washington, whose vaguely menacing photo is separated from that of nemesis T.R. Knight by a five-actor buffer.

All around town, producers whose often-fuzzy roles in bringing together the various elements necessary to get prestige projects before rolling cameras are throwing open their windows and offering up an exultant "Huzzah! to the Hollywood heavens, as the Academy has ever so slightly loosened its Draconian rules about the number of people allowed to storm the Kodak Theatre stage in the unlikely event of a Best Picture win. Reports the NY Times:

· Preliminary overnight ratings reveal that The Sopranos finale delivered a big number, stealing viewers from both the Tonys and the NBA finals. [Variety]
· Spring Awakening and The Coast of Utopia clean up at the little-watched (see above!) Tonys, winning eight and seven trophies, respectively. [THR]
· Apparently, cutting out "more than half" of Hong Kong superstar Chow Yun Fat's scenes in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End makes the movie safer for Chinese audiences, who will finally get an opportunity to see it on Tuesday. More bad news: the deletions make the movie even more difficult to follow than its unedited version. [Variety]
· Pirates 3 holds off Ocean's 13 at the international box office, pulling in another (yawn) $51.3 million. [THR]
· "Respected" outlets try to justify their contributions to the Paris Hilton clusterfuck by offering meta commentary on the ongoing "media circus" or with analysis of how the justice system treats the rich and famous. [Variety]

· Cannes update: Films receiving early praise at Cannes include the Coen brothers' No Country For Old Men, the abortion drama 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days, and Zodiac, which feels like it was released in America three years ago. You may now return to not caring about what's going on in France (unless it involves Jerry Seinfeld in a bee suit. That was so awesome!) [Variety]
· Because we know that you can't sleep if you don't know what Julia Roberts is up to: She's set to star in a movie based on the the life of African wildlife conservationist Joan Root. Or have more babies and take another five years off from the demands of being Hollywood's Biggest Female Star, depending on her mood. [THR]
· The Emmys are "one step closer" to moving from the Shrine to the shiny new Nokia Theater being built downtown, a change of venue that the TV Academy promises won't have any impact on the show's reliably low entertainment value. [Variety]
· The season finales of Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters overcome token competition from the other networks, giving ABC an underwhelming Sunday night ratings victory. [THR]
· Var provides possibly unreliable evidence that Goldie Hawn is still alive. [Variety]

April 23, 2007: "Business leader Bruce Wasserstein is this year's recipient of the Great Negotiator Award given by the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School."

Hearst isn't the only magazine company doing the self-congratulation thing these days. Yesterday was Henry Luce Awards day at Time Inc., and Time Inc. honcho John Huey judged the winners in 11 categories along with some other current and former top editors. So who's in favor with the top brass?

· Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington considerately spares the TV Academy the trouble of ignoring him come Emmy nomination time by withdrawing his name from awards consideration. His time in gayhab obviously taught him an important lesson about transparent expressions of publicist-encouraged humility. [Variety]
· More Speed Racer casting news we can't really get excited about: Matthew Fox is close to signing on to join the project as nemesis Racer X. [THR ]
· The lineup for the Cannes Film Festival is jam-packed with U.S. movies both in competition (with entries by Tarantino, David Fincher, and the Coen Brothers) and on the premiere schedule (Ocean's 13), giving the French ample opportunity to alternately boo American cultural imperialism and offer standing ovations inspired by the sight of George Clooney in a tuxedo. [Variety]
· Hitch and I Now Pronounce You Fake Gay Husbands, Now Punch Out That Guy Before Someone Thinks You're Really A Homo star Kevin James embraces his typecasting as a lovable schlub, entering negotiations to play an "average guy" who inherits some land that turns out to be its own country in One Nation Under Bob. [THR]
· Rumors are circulating that NBC might not renew the original Law & Order unless creator Dick Wolf figures out a way to fire his entire cast and produce each episode on a budget of $100 or less. [Variety]

Once again, the Defamer Correspondent for Anti-Defamatory Awards Shows managed to infiltrate the turreted pink fortress that is the L.A. edition of the annual GLAAD media awards (who says scouring Craigslist at the last minute for dateless and desperate velvet mafioso is a fruitless endeavor?), and brings us yet another exhaustive report from the awards banquet sometimes referred to as the "the Gay Gay Superbowl." We now deliver you to his capable hands:

Each time Dakota Fanning's handlers promised that their preternaturally talented, thirteen-year-old money-maker was more than mature enough to handle the psychological demands of that rape movie, we really wanted to believe them. But in our heart of hearts, we knew that she was just a Kid's Choice award away from snapping under the immense pressure and emptying an automatic weapon at an after-party in a tragic cry for help.

· Pretty boy shingle fight! Warner Bros. and Leonardo DiCaprio's Appian Way defeat Paramount and Brad Pitt's Plan B for the rights to adapt upcoming autobiography The Wolf of Wall Street. The resulting project will allow for the continued collaboration of muse DiCaprio and master Martin Scorsese (is this whole thing creepy yet? Sort of, right?) at an undisclosed future point in the director's busy schedule. [Variety]
· Harry Potter stars Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson are officially signed to do the last two movies in the franchise, allowing all pervs to feel closure about our their long-held feelings about how hot a (totally legal!) Hermione was going to be by the end of the saga. [THR]
· Short on original programming to celebrate with cheerful posters that might distract their
employees from the drudgery of their half-network existence, The CW has instead decided to commission some artwork to enliven their workplace. Pictured: an installation placed near the development department entitled, "We Will Splatter Your Fucking Brains On Your Cubicle Wall If You Don't Start Coming Up With Some Show Ideas, And Fast." [Variety]
· Bill Clinton admits that TV Land is the only thing that can dull the pain of loneliness while Hils is out on the campaign trail. [THR]
· The cash-strapped, East Coasted Daytime Emmy-givers of NATAS announce that winners will have to pay $350 each for their statuettes if there's more than one recipient in their category, while its West Coast counterpart promises to reimburse any Emmy victors from its jurisdiction unlucky enough to get stuck with a bill from their cheap peers. [Variety]

· Famously temperamental thespian Russell Crowe will make his directorial debut on a feature adaptation of the documentary Bra Boys, about three brothers who started an underground surf movement in Sydney, during which the novice helmer will learn precisely how much damage a hurled megaphone can do to a mouthy PA's skull. Imagine's Brian Grazer to superproduce. [Ed.note—Since an update to this morning's Grazergate story is possible at some point today, we're forced to spare you the headshot at this time due to image bandwidth issues that could arise from its repeated posting.] [Variety]
· News Corp. and NBC Universal announce that they will partner with Microsoft, Yahoo, and AOL to create a copyright-friendly online video distribution system that will crush the YouTubes. "A game changer!" cackles News Corp. CEO Peter Chernin while high-fiving colleague Jeff Zucker of NBCU, giddy over the untold millions of shareholder dollars they'll spend on an ultimately inferior product. [THR]
· Emboldened by the success of series like Heroes and Deal or No Deal, NBC president Kevin Reilly is confident he'll get more respect in today's meeting with media buyers than he did a year ago, when he was subjected to a humiliating round of wedgies, swirlies, and "Kick Me! My Networks Sux!" signs taped to his back by bullies whose money he was desperate to take. [Variety]
· Jet Li is in negotiations to play the bad guy in the China-set, totally unnecessary third The Mummy movie. [THR]
· The West Coast-based Academy of TV Arts & Sciences (the organization behind the Real Emmys) and East-Coasted National Academy of TV Arts & Sciences (who handle the Daytime, or Fake, Emmys) are at war! At issue: some profoundly boring shit involving who gets to give out broadband awards no one will care about for 10 years. [Variety]

· After careful deliberation, Tom Cruise decides to insert himself into the WWII-set thriller (from The Usual Suspects team of director Bryan Singer and writer Christopher McQuarrie) he acquired for shiny new toy United Artists last week, taking a role in the ensemble piece as a character who struggles to diffuse his blinding star power for the sake of his fellow castmates. [Variety]
· Blockbuster's CEO is stepping down by the end of the year over a dispute about his bonus. Scintillating! [THR]
· New Line wins the rights to make an inevitably terrible movie from the Xbox game Gears of War; CAA ran the auction, which seems to have been free of messengers wearing elaborate costumes, perhaps in hopes of not repeating the Halo debacle. [Variety]
· Today in bad ideas for potential hero franchises: Columbia options the rights to The Green Hornet in an attempt to prove that the kids will go wild for characters originally appearing in 1930s radio plays. [THR]
· Clear four or so hours (not including that all-important red carpet time) off your calendar on Sunday, February 24th of next year, as the Academy has chosen that now hallowed date for next year's 80th Anniversary Oscars telecast. [Variety]