TMZ has just unearthed another artifact that will work nicely in your upcoming exhibition "Lindsay Lohan: A Life Hard Lived." It's audio of Lindsay Lohan sniping at her co-star and director on the set of The Canyons.

Need a custom ringtone for that ex-boyfriend who only calls late at night, when he's drunk and horny? Now presenting the Paris Hilton "Drunk Text" ring tone collection, culled from Paris Hilton's new spoken word techno song "Drunk Text."

The last batch of President Kennedy's secret Oval Office recordings was released today, just barely missing the deadline for everyone's "Best Secret Presidential Recordings of 2011" year-end lists. Archivists from the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library have been declassifying and releasing portions of the tapes, recorded so super duper secretly not even Kennedy's top aides knew of their existence before his death, since 1993.

If you ever need to convince someone that show business is a chauvinist boys club, just play them this clip explaining how, sometime in the 1990s, Saturday Night Live executive producer Lorne Michaels wanted to install a woman as Weekend Update anchor for the first time in a decade, but abandoned the idea after his hero Steve Martin said "some broad" had "fucked everything up" when co-hosting an awards show with him.

The New York Times has assembled and posted more than two hours of military, air traffic, and airline radio communications—some of it never before heard in public—from the morning of September 11, 2001. It is depressing and fascinating.

Hit radio funnyman Rush Limbaugh noted on his program today that Kraft is creating a special new two-tiered Oreo made with both chocolate and vanilla frosting. Being the hit radio funnyman that he is, he immediately infused this latest unimpressive snack unveiling with comical racial politics:

Rep. Doug Lamborn likened compromising with Obama to "touching a tar baby" on talk radio today. But he probably didn't mean to use the racially charged term in a racist way, right? There's no way he missed the lesson from John McCain's "tar baby" blunder, or Mitt Romney's "tar baby" blunder, or Tony Snow's "tar baby" blunder, right?

It's apparently a lazy summer at Google, where employees are so busy with food trucks, a seafood fair and endless eating they don't actually have time to work, rabble rousing comedian Marc Maron reports. Tell your broker to SELL.

A long-lost gospel album that presidential candidate Herman Cain to have recorded in 1996 has hit the Internet. This could prove to be Julian Assange's most consequential leak yet! Or maybe it was just an upload from a Daily Caller blogger. In any event, this is a great discovery for rare music collectors who've spent years, combing through seven continents, looking for this gem — a magnum opus which settles every doubt you ever had about the ability of music to inspire.

Remember when somebody slowed down Justin Bieber's "U Smile" 800% and it became a 35-minute symphonic masterpiece? Well, slowing down the sound of '90s-era dial-up modems connecting to the Internet does not a symphonic masterpiece make. It does sound sort of like an alien invasion, though, so there's that. [via Laughing Squid]

A Southwest Airlines pilot has been suspended after he accidentally broadcast his conversation about the "fags" and "grannies" that he works with as flight attendants. This man should really never be allowed to fly a plane again.

Ed Schultz, the fake, lefty Rush Limbaugh whom MSNBC trots out for an hour each night to botch debased versions of Democratic talking points, had some nasty words for right-wing babbler Laura Ingraham on his radio show yesterday. While Ingraham is certainly an unsavory character, did Schultz really need to resort to the descriptor "slut," twice, over some ephemeral Obama-drinks-beer-in-Ireland nontroversy?

Charges for Lindsay Lohan's alleged assault of a Betty Ford Center employee Dawn Holland have been dropped, and now we've been treated to audio from the 911 call that started the mess. Turns out Lindsay called the cops because she was scared of Dawn.

This is just perfect. Ian Murphy, editor of the Buffalo Beast, prank called union-busting Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker pretending to be industrialist and secret Republican overlord David Koch, whose money has been fueling Walker and state Republicans' ongoing battle with labor. And Walker believed it.

Conservative radio king Rush Limbaugh sure thinks Chinese people talk funny. Want to hear the impression of Chinese President Hu Jintao he unveiled today? It's 20 straight seconds of cartoonish "CHING CHANG CHONG" sounds. Seriously. The audio is below.

Today, an interview of Helen Thomas by an Ohio radio station hit the air. In it, Thomas reaffirmed her criticism of Israel, blasted Ari Fleisher, and broke down when she found out that President Obama had criticized her. Highlights inside.

After leaving a voice message for a union official, Jerry Brown chatted with someone who called his opponent Meg Whitman a "whore." "I'm going to use that," Brown responds. Too bad he didn't hang up the phone in between. Updated.

Calling all Lambs! This morning, Mariah Carey graced the world with the first single from her upcoming Merry Christmas II You album, titled "Oh Santa." It's criminally catchy, obviously, and sure to become the next classic Christmas tune. Listen inside.

Suzi Hanks is a DJ for a classic rock station in Houston. In her free time, she records herself reading Playboy magazine for the blind. NPR's All Things Considered interviewed Suzi about it, and provided clips from her recordings.

1-800-DIAL-DMV used to connect you to New York State's Department of Motor Vehicles. Now it directs people to a lady who moans, "You're so big baby, wanna pull it out and watch it explode all over my beautiful backside?"