We've long known that Madonna was part of the nefarious gay agenda, but a group of anti-gay Russian "activists" are now pursuing legal action.

The American government wants to burn Julian Assange at the stake.

They call her the "Flying Squirrel," but if gold medalist Gabby Douglas wants to profit from the nickname, she's going to have to battle the college student who snatched up the trademark first.

For many candidates, having one's mom on the campaign trail could prove embarrassing, but vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan is using it to his advantage.

Child-actor-turned-penis-model Shia LaBeouf will be having for-real sex in Lars von Trier's upcoming film Nymphomaniac, according to the actor himself.

The New York Times' recent Helen Gurley Brown hagiography, "Helen Gurley Brown, As Others Saw Her," is a mostly uninspiring rundown of anecdotes about the recently deceased Cosmopolitan editor. But about halfway down, in a passage from Brown's former book editor, Michael Korda, things get good:

A Beirut-bound Air France flight en route from Paris had to be diverted to Damascus Wednesday night, ironically due to civil unrest in Lebanon.

This is America. This ain't Saskatoon or Piscataway or Buddhistan or some other foreign speck of dust. This is America. We have an army. A god damn capital-A Army. A big badass American army with big ol' guns. And that army needs soldiers. Lots of soldiers. Lots of big god damn badass American soldiers to carry some big guns and show the freaks and the geek's what's what. There's Jesus in Heaven and there's god above and he gave man dominion over all things and guess what, that man is called The You Ess God Damn Army. Now you tell me, son: where exactly do you think we should find a bunch of god damn red-blooded boys ready to kill for god and country? Should we, should we, should we look up under the couch cushions? Should we look up under the floormat? Hey, I think I left m' god damn US Army recruits on my nightstand table! Should we look there? Hot shot? Oh, you probably think we should look up in the god damn fabric store, eh? How bout we look for one million future globe-dominating soldiers up in the La-mozz class? Is that it? Maybe we should go on down to the, to the Yankee Candle store down at the outlet mall and ask if they have any assistant managers lookin' for a little excitement? Maybe that's where we'll find the future Navy SEALS of America? Maybe a bunch of posey-picking little girls will beat up the next Sad-dam? Is that it? Or do you think maybe, maybe, maybe we should, lemme just propose this to ya, maybe we should take a look down at the ol' Nascar track? You think? Ya think that one might be a better idea, smart guy? Maybe we should go have a look at the ol' football stadium? For some strong young fellas? Would that be alright with you, pinky? Maybe we can find a few strong young boys who know a little something about kickin' butt down at the drag-racing spot, eh? That alright with you, Albert Einstein? Thank you so much. So if it ain't too much trouble and all, we're just gonna keep on spendin' our $80 million a year sponsorin' some stock cars and football games under the name of the God Damn Army of the United States of America, thank you very much. So stop your god damn bellyaching about it. There's still a few good men left in Congress, thank god.

TMZ is currently boasting a picture of a very chilled out, vacationing, shirtless Paul Ryan. And it appears that Romney's running mate has got himself a six pack. Or does he? What are those? Do those rippling stomach muscles qualify as a six pack? Let's hash it out in the comments below.

Brain scans can tell whether you'll become an alcoholic. Brain scans can tell you're a hoarder. Brain scans can tell how old you are. Brain scans can tell if you're being ironic. And now: brain scans can literally give you your freedom.

It appears that Wal-Mart has turned around its two-year long sales slide that seemed, momentarily, to mark the end of America's love affair with big box bottom-feeding. Same-store sales have now risen for four straight quarters, overseas sales are growing, and the company is once again dominant enough to be considered the leading indicator of the financial health of you, the consumer. So how are you doing out there? Poorly.

The Family Research Council, which was the target of a shooting attack earlier this week, issued an remarkably hypocritical statement today that placed some blame for the shooting on the Southern Poverty Law Center. The Council's president, Tony Perkins, said the shooting was made possible by the SPLC's criticism of the FRC.

Earlier today, Mitt Romney made a big deal out of telling everyone that he's, "never paid less than 13 percent" in taxes. And, of course, he still won't provide his tax returns, so we'll just have to trust him, okay?

Human candy corn Donald Trump, a well-known Political Expert and Successful Reality-Television Business Actor, has a "big surprise" planned for the Republican National Convention. We know this because he tweeted it a few days ago:

Ecuador will grant Julian Assange political asylum, the country's Foreign Minister, Ricardo Patino, announced this morning.

You'd think the Romney campaign would've learned their lesson the last time they had a copyright issue. Or from any of the other prominent copyright snafus involving major political campaigns. But no, they didn't, and now they're beefing with 'alternative' rock group Silversun Pickups.

Michael J. Fox may be about to end his primetime television hiatus with a little help from Arrested Development writer Sam Laybourne and Easy A director Will Gluck.

A gunman reportedly attacked the Washington D.C. offices of the Family Research Council this morning, injuring a security guard before being wrestled to the ground.

Selling used cars is a pretty good business: you buy crappy old cars at rock-bottom prices from desperate people; sell these crappy cars to desperate people at inflated prices; repo the cars when the desperate people run out of money; and then sell the same cars all over again.

In the competitive Scrabble world's equivalent of a major doping scandal, an up-and-coming Division 3 Scrabbler was booted out of the 2012 National Scrabble Championship yesterday after being caught with illegal blank letter tiles in his possession.