Obama's "Aunti Zeituni," Zeituni Onyango, will stand before a federal judge after living illegally in America ever since her asylum request was rejected in 2004. The president says he won't intervene for Onyango, who could be deported to Kenya. [CNN]

Supporters of former presidential candidate Mitt Romney tend to fancy themselves red-blooded capitalists. So it would probably upset them to learn they funded someone else's business, and get none of the profit.

Cosmo editor on her choice for the magazine's next nude Senator centerfold, to PopEater.com. Reference photo of Bayh, of whom White added, "We think he's hot in a natural, low-key, Midwestern sort of way," provided after the jump.

After half a year of bragging about all his customers, would-be newspaper paywall king Steven Brill has finally named some of them. Prepare to follow The Intelligencer Journal-Lancaster New Era right into the future.

Once upon a time, Edwards' staff thought white wine and sissy sodas were their biggest problems. In anticipation of Andrew Young's 20/20 interview tonight, Gawker asks an Edwards staffer to evaluate the latest rumors—and lob some new ones.

Barack Obama's first State of the Union was not a particularly soaring or pretty speech. But it was really the model every future president should look to when composing their own.

Kabul residents say US soldiers murdered an imam who was sitting peacefully in his car with his three children. "After they shot him, they didn't stop, they just kept driving," said one witness. The US military confirms the killing. [WP]

Someone finally read John Edwards aide Andrew Young's forthcoming tell-all, putting a cherry on top of months of crazy Edwards rumors. He's a wellspring of scandal—but is it all John's fault? A guide to the Edwards blame game.

So who are the four geniuses who got arrested by the FBI yesterday for—apparently—trying to tap the phone of a sitting U.S. senator?

Michael Mineo is a 25 year-old tattooed former gangbanger who says the NYPD sodomized him with a nightstick. The NYT's account: Chilling and poignant. The Daily News' account: Matter-of-fact. The Post: 'Victim,' in scare quotes. Choose your own adventure!

President Barack Obama shakes hands with Khloe Kardashian during a ceremony in the East Room of the White House in Washington, Monday, Jan. 25, 2010, during a ceremony honoring the Los Angeles Lakers 2008-2009 NBA basketball champions. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

The Haiti earthquake: Sad, right? Especially for the media—our heroes on the front line, right there in dirty Haiti. Now, the media must start coming home, as heroes. Most are leaving gradually; one network's leaving fast as hell.

How desperate are New York Times employees? A tipster tells us that a thief recently stole 27(!) laptop computers from the NYT's headquarters—and some think it may have been an inside job. The sordid details:

Robert Halderman utterly failed to convince a judge to toss extortion charges against him on First Amendment grounds. The judge also didn't buy his "but Tiger Woods skanks did it, too" defense.

Harold Ford is already a gross caricature of a clueless reverse carpetbagger. It would take quite the contrarian to...hello, Andrea Peyser! She sees Harold as "a punk-rock star...cute, quiet guy." Which is actually a contradiction, but so is love. [NYP]

America's message to Haitians, blared from an airplane: "If you think you will reach the U.S. and all the doors will be wide open to you, that's not at all the case." Y'all can fight over MREs at home. [NYT]

First Google refused to continue censoring its Chinese search engine. Now the company is helping a Congressman rebuke China's authoritarian regime for human rights violations. It all just confirms that Sergey Brin is by far our favorite top Googler.

Scientologists have mobilized to seize on the promotional and recruitment opportunities presented by the horror going on in Haiti, and John Travolta has personally arranged to fly "volunteer ministers" to Haiti to inflict his junk science on victims there.

Thomas Kaplan is the chair of the 92nd Street Y's board of directors. He is devoted to gaining control of the Orthodox conversion process and saving panthers. His 32-year-old nephew Guma has gone crazy, and he's tangled up in it.

NBC has drawn the long knives and dispatched NBC Sports titan and former late-night guru Dick Ebersol—who produced Saturday Night Live during the Joe Piscipo years—to strike back at Conan O'Brien in a New York Times interview.