Philadelphia's misbehaving news anchors are the most exciting thing to come out of the Philly media scene since AJ Daulerio! Former Philly CBS anchor Alycia Lane (pictured) is famous for slugging a cop and emailing bikini photos of herself; fellow former Philly anchor Larry Mendte made his name by hacking into Lane's email and thereby destroying his career. Today: more details than you probably care to know about the relationship between the two!

Seif al-Islam Qaddafi has reportedly been floating the idea that he will kick his father to the curb and personally lead a "transition to constitutional democracy" in Libya, which no one in their right mind believes would actually happen. That includes rebels from Libya's east who, according to the Telegraph, said through a spokesman today: "Gaddafi and his sons have to leave before any diplomatic negotiations can take place." He added that, "People thought [Seif] was a reformer but since the revolution began, he has shown his true colours. He is a carbon copy of his father." Nice try, Seif.

The world sure is a complicated place these days, what with all of the wars, leaky nuclear stuff, illegal aliens and those goddamn weirdo Europeans doing European things all the time. There's a lot to digest! And now that Tea Party Patriots™ are forced to actually participate in government things, well, it's a bit overwhelming trying to find a cohesive policy on anything.

God's favorite investment banker, Goldman Sachs chief Lloyd Blankfein, made a shitload of money last year! Originally we thought he made $13.2 million in 2010 but, according to Bloomberg News today, it turns out he nearly doubled his 2009 take with a $19 million compensation package:

Running for president is perhaps the most surefire way to destroy your family life and depress your close relatives forever. Just imagine if your spouse came in and said, "I've decided I want to run for president." Does anyone ever react positively to this announcement? "Oh great THANKS A LOT, FUCKO," seems like the appropriate response. Because within 24 hours, the national news will find and play that S&M porno you shot in college, on repeat. "Does America want a president," the news anchor will say, "whose spouse is a whore?"

Bill Keller, the editor of America's greatest newspaper, continues to systematically dismantle his professional reputation by writing an unnecessary, vainglorious, and ill-advised column in the New York Times Magazine, in which he demonstrates, week by depressing week, that he's not as great as you would have imagined. This week, he comes right out and calls for more government secrecy and less journalism. "For those charged with keeping secrets, WikiLeaks is a wake-up call," he writes. "So what should the government do to make the leaker's task - and my job as a nosy journalist - harder?

Even when Democrats' fortunes tumble spectacularly in the short-term, the party can always remind itself that national demographic trends favor them in the end. Many, many old white people will die soon enough. This generation's youth voters are lopsidedly liberal. Meanwhile, Hispanics — who've voted strongly for Democrats in the last two elections after mainstream Republican rhetoric took a sharply nativist turn in 2007 — will occupy a larger and ever growing percentage of the American population. Throw in reliable support from 80-90% of African Americans, and the Democratic party could be dominant in the not-too-distant future.

Sublime television clown Donald Trump's pretend presidential candidacy is chugging along splendidly as it rains gold, laughs, and a deeper appreciation for the surreal across this great nation. It's fun to write about, it's chilling to read about, and it's lucrative for Donald Trump. His Celebrity Apprentice ratings are up, he's getting more headlines than any other "real" GOP presidential contenders, and now he's landed another television gig. This why he's running a pretend presidential campaign, of course, and the con should keep bearing fruit until he suddenly "drops out" of the race to spend more time with his latest family, during sweeps week.

Several U.N. workers were killed Friday in the northern Afghan city of Mazar-i-Sharif. Reports indicate that a demonstration against the burning of a Quran by American pastors turned violent. There are conflicting reports about the number of people killed, and a U.N. spokesperson has issued a statement confirming the attack, while calling the incident "still confusing."

The dude who decided not to get in on his usual office lottery pool on the very day that it hit a $319 million jackpot is SPEAKING OUT and TELLING HIS STORY, so that even the most miserable of us shall be able to put a face to our "at least I'm not that guy" self-reassurances. His name is Michael Kosko, he's an I.T. worker in Albany, and he "didn't have two singles" to chuck in the pool that day. And he declined to take a $2 loan from a coworker. Bummer.

National Tea Party groups had planned to make a statement to lawmakers today with a well-publicized rally on Capitol Hill. Hordes of attendees were going to demand that wavering Republican members of Congress not compromise halfway with Democrats on a budget deal. A compromise for $33 billion in cuts instead of the Republicans' maximalist proposal of $61 billion, Tea Party folks believe, would be a betrayal of promises made during the 2010 election. So the Tea Party held its big important rally this afternoon as planned — but it only drew "perhaps a couple hundred" attendees. C'mon, Tea Party! Get your act together, or go extinct.

Judge Judy is hospitalized after a bizarre on-camera ramble. Vanilla Ice becomes a mime. Lindsay Lohan looks for an apartment in New York. Thursday gossip is in recovery.

Warren Buffett is one of the world's richest men, and incontrovertibly the world's folksiest mega-billionaire. He's also old. Shares in his company, Berkshire Hathaway, cost more than $120K apiece. So the question of who succeeds Buffett is, you know, big.

Italy's greatest self-tanning sex fiend, Silvio Berlusconi, yesterday traveled to the island of Lampedusa to encourage xenophobia and to scare African migrants back to where they came from. He even said he was buying a vacation home there because the island is so fucking sexy. But aside from promising to tackle his self-made immigration problem — North Africans fleeing violence perpetrated by Berlusconi's dictator buddies — the old man found some time to joke around with the island's lovely ladies, according to the Daily Mail:

India beat its longtime rival Pakistan yesterday in the Cricket World Cup semifinals as all of South Asia tuned in via satellite television. Fans in Pakistan's North Waziristan were no exception, although many stayed indoors to avoid Hellfire missiles. From the AFP:

The patient database of the private health clinic that conducts STD tests for California's porn industry has been breached, exposing test results and personal details about thousands of current and former porn performers, some of which have been published on a Wikileaks-style website.

Reuters reports that President Obama "signed a secret order authorizing covert U.S. government support for rebel forces seeking to oust Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi" within the last "two or three weeks." So there's your channel for arming the rebels.

Rep. Chris Smith is the House Republicans' go-to "abortion guy." He's behind the rape-redefining No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act. He gets in fights with congresswomen who have had abortions. But it's not enough for Chris Smith to merely focus on domestic abortions. He also has to fly to Kenya, on taxpayer dollars, to ensure there aren't any abortions there either.

Sarah Palin launched a lengthy attack on The Daily Caller via Facebook on Wednesday in which she slammed the conservative-leaning news organization for not featuring her quotes prominently enough.

The first Republican presidential debate, co-sponsored by NBC News and Politico, has been postponed from May to September since no one important is running yet. Fortunately, the more exciting Fox News debate several days later is still on.