Venezuela's blowhard leader Hugo Chavez, fresh off cancer treatment in Cuba, celebrated his 57th birthday yesterday in Caracas by informing the masses that he's not going anywhere:

A scuffle between three homeless men on a Milwaukee bridge on Tuesday night resulted in one man — 43-year-old Johnny Jordan — falling into the river below and drowning. Another fell into the river but survived. The third man, Tracy Edwards (pictured, upper-right), was arrested and is being held for homicide.

Google's chairman Eric Schmidt has a new girlfriend, who's just like all his other girlfriends. Also in today's Valleywag roundup: Wikipedia's co-founder is burning through his money fast and Twitter will now take bribes for access to the top of your stream.

When Rep. John Boehner assumed the speakership, he said he didn't want to be an arm-twister for votes, and that he wanted the people's voice to be heard clearly. A nice sentiment! But now he that needs votes for his debt ceiling plan today, that's all over. How will he screw over dissidents? Let's look at the case of fellow Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan.

Likely presidential candidate Rick Perry, governor of Texas, hurt the Christian conservatives' feelings last week when he said about gay marriage in New York, "That's New York, and that's their business, and that's fine with me. That is their call. If you believe in the 10th Amendment, stay out of their business." That was courageous of him! But now it's all over, and he suddenly supports a federal marriage amendment.

In your mercenary Thursday media column: Fortune this round from Forbes, layoffs at the LA Times, a BBC reporter is killed, the NYT turns to Groupon, Al Sharpton is pushing it, and new journalism grows from the cracks.

News of the World, the Rupert Murdoch-owned tabloid shut down last month over allegations of extensive illegal story-gathering practices, is now accused of hacking the voicemail of the mother of a murdered eight-year-old—on a phone that the paper's editor Rebekah Brooks gave her as a gift.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was hospitalized this morning after he had trouble breathing. He's undergoing tests, but his staff claims he's okay and that his asthma is just acting up. Christie is reportedly overweight.

Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) is cautiously optimistic that enough GOP members had fallen in line over the last 48 hours to pass his debt bill. The plan would cut nearly $917 billion in spending over the next ten years, raise the debt-ceiling by $900 billion and avoid sending the nation into default.

This is kind of sad: Alabama's most populous county could be forced to file for bankruptcy after accruing a $3 billion sewer debt. One could argue that Jefferson County's finances really did go down the shitter on this one.

Given that legendary country and western singer Dolly Parton's a vocal supporter of gay marriage, you might think that gays who visit her theme park in Tennessee would be welcomed with open arms. Not so, as one lesbian couple recently experienced.

Remember, to put it politely, the "extra-legal" wiretapping and torture and secret prisons that Dick Cheney and his buddies put into place over the course of eight years? Well the guy who came up with all that stuff for Cheney, legal adviser and chief of staff David Addington, has apparently not left Washington! In fact, he's behind much of the Tea Party resistance to any and all debt ceiling compromises these days.

In your sincere Wednesday media column: Barry Diller has endlessly deep pockets, Fox gets an online paywall, Michael Hastings' book deal disappears, The Daily still, improbably, exists, and doing more with less is dead.

Saying you follow the Moorish Science faith has become the new "I'm 1/16th Cherokee," at least among financial fraudsters. All across our great, greedy nation, people are falsely claiming Moorish Scientist status in order to file phony legal documents, avoid paying taxes, and declare one's self above the law, among other illegal things.

Counselors at the youth summer camp that we know more commonly as the "House Republican Caucus of the 112th Congress" penciled in time for a movie yesterday! All of the campers were so excited to relax a little bit after pretending to be members of Congress for so long. And better yet, they got to watch an R-rated movie — without their parents' permission! Is that even legal?

Early Monday, Vilas County, Wisconsin sheriff's deputy Ty Peterson spotted a cougar—no, not a mythical, middle-aged, sex-seeking ladyhuman, but a large pouncey cat—prowling around in his backyard. Using this information, a relative of Peterson's decided to play a practical joke on him. It succeeded—in a way.

Do you find the color pink to be threatening? If so, you're probably a woman. (Not a man.) And who's hurt by your irrational hatred of pink? Your very own healthy breasts. Get it together, ladies.

Deposed Egyptian dictator Hosni Mubarak is still in the hospital, still sad, and he's refused to eat anything for four days. Conveniently, his trial is set to begin on August 3rd. Pity the fallen strongman.

There's a specific kind of person who thinks, after watching tons of procedural justice TV shows, that he could commit the perfect crime. And there's an even more specific kind of person who actually can. Enacting an elaborate plot to frame his ex-girlfriend for armed robbery, Queens resident Jerry Ramrattan almost became the latter.

In your ominous Tuesday media column: the first big scandal book deal of many sure to come, Peter Chernin lives, Gannett rips off Groupon, Tim Hetherington's final pictures released, and corporate infighting at Thomson Reuters.