Paula Deen's first vague video apology didn't go over so hot, so she's just released another. This version is more rambling and finds her sitting before a giant tray of make-up—presumably the same make-up that was used to render her skin a fetching shade of burnt sienna for the prequel.

Kickstarter has issued an apology for allowing a user to fund his rapey "seduction guide" through its site. To prove it's serious, the company has vowed to donate $25,000 to the anti-sexual violence nonprofit RAINN.

Rapidly decaying Georgia peach Paula Deen has just posted, removed, and reposted (UPDATE: and removed) a choppy, heavily edited YouTube video statement in which she solemnly begs for forgiveness from "you" (us) (black people?), her children, her team, her fans, and her partners "for the mistakes that I've made."

Serena Williams has apologized for her "she got too drunk" comments concerning the Steubenville rape victim, but not without suggesting that maybe the reporter made it all up: "What was written—what I supposedly said—is insensitive and hurtful, and I by no means would say or insinuate that she was at all to blame."

It was not inevitable that Joe Francis would issue an apology for his remarks to The Hollywood Reporter suggesting the jurors who recently convicted him for unlawful imprisonment should be executed. But what was inevitable is that if an apology were to surface, it would be full of assy qualifications, self-entitlement and victim-playing. And so it has, and so it is. Below is the "apology" Francis issued because someone obviously told him to do it, although they failed to inform him how to do it:

Howard Kurtz, whose bizarre, incoherent article on Jason Collins earlier this week led to his departure from the Daily Beast, offered a long, mostly awkward apology on his own show, CNN's Reliable Sources.

Oh you misunderstood Michael Bay: he confirms that Armageddon was perfect, he is sorry for nothing.

In his first public speech since he stepped down, former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for the extramarital affair that led to his departure. "I regret—and apologize for—the circumstances that led to my resignation from the CIA and caused such pain for my family, friends and supporters," he told the audience of 600, including his wife and many decorated veterans, at the University of Southern California's annual ROTC dinner.

Taylor Swift made the world's head tilt sideways like a dog's yesterday, when she suggested that comedians Amy Poehler and Tina Fey would find themselves roasting in hell for all eternity for the sin of making a joke about her at the Golden Globes.

It is 1986. We are 13- and 14-year-olds, rank-smelling in unwashed teenager jeans, unsupervised and latch-keyed after school, huddled around the face of the future: The screen of a first-generation Apple Macintosh personal computer. Within the machine's non-dairy creamer-colored casing is a malleable visual playground unlike anything we had seen before: Manic fonts, brick-wall patterns summoned with a mouse-click and distorted at will, spray-paint lines of variable size and density.

After months of asking the world what was wrong, and the world sighing "Nothing," and looking out the car window, Kristen Stewart finally realized that Man was still waiting for her to apologize for cheating on him with Rupert Sanders.

Stevie Wonder is facing criticism for comments he made about Frank Ocean during an interview with The Guardian.

Last week, Rashida Jones had the audacity to point out the obvious about John Travolta.

Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson with Snow White and the Huntsmen director Rupert Sanders. Rupert Sanders cheated on his wife Liberty Ross with Kristen Stewart. And both, under the spell of some mysterious PR draught, issued statements within minutes of each other apologizing to their cheatees.

The captain of the cruise ship Costa Concordia, which cost 32 passengers their lives when it capsized back in January (allegedly because the captain was literally showboating for a friend on the shore) gave his first full interview about the accident Wednesday. He's way less sorry than you might expect.

Yesterday, a tipster sent us a note indicating that he had successfully accessed Mitt Romney's Hotmail and DropBox accounts after guessing the answer to a security question—Romney's favorite pet. The Romney campaign later confirmed that "the proper authorities are investigating [the] crime." Now that tipster has written a letter of apology to Romney. Here it is.

Emails obtained by The Daily Telegraph through a Syrian opposition group lay bare an uncomfortably close relationship between The View matriarch Barbara Walters and the former press aide of genocidal tyrant Bashar al-Assad.

Retailer H&M is deeply sorry it attempted to sell swimwear using images of a sexy, tanned Victoria's Secret fashion model, the AFP reports.

Northwestern University theater major and former Los Angeles resident Chester "Chet" "Chet Haze" Hanks caused a minor uproar yesterday when he took a brave stand on the Twitter against bullying victims who commit suicide. Alas, thanks to the pussyassness of the world at large, Chet has been forced to apologize.

Used to be the King of Spain could slaughter as many elephants as he pleased and there wasn't a damn thing commoners could do or say about it.