Who in their right minds would rob an orchestra concert master in broad daylight, take his rare multi-million-dollar violin, and make off in a getaway minivan through the streets of Milwaukee? A local barber and gun licensee named Universal Knowledge Allah, that's who.

Villainous NASCAR-branded trinket retailer and employer of last resort Wal-Mart is being accused of firing ten African employees in Colorado in order to give their jobs to "local" people (whites). Also, Wal-Mart hates god but loves cigarettes. Allegedly.