We've been hearing whispers for the better part of a week that Kelly Bensimon, Alex McCord, and former Gawker intern Jill Zarin have been fired from the Real Housewives of New York and now it seems like it is official. Goodbye, sweet, sweet ladies.

In case you hadn't heard, Gawker Media threw a fundraiser last night to benefit the Empire State Pride Agenda Foundation, which is still battling to make same-sex marriage a reality here in New York (and a vote, we hear, is imminent). Here's what you missed.

Neither Father Dowling, Matlock, Jessica Fletcher, or any other geriatric detective could figure out just who died last night on the Real Montauk Monsters of New York. Was it Sonja who got thrown from a horse? Was it Ramona who committed social suicide? Was it Kelly who buried her head in the sand and suffocated? Who knows?

Last night the concert for the world's worst David Bowie cover band, Real Housewives of Suffragette City, did their horrendous rendition of "Fashion" (Turn to the left!) with a runway show and photo shoot. The Goon Squat has officially come to town. Beep beep!

Between Kim Zolciak, Countess Crackerjacks, and Danielle Staub, it's pretty hard to "drop" the worst single ever spawned from Bravo's metastasizing Real Housewives franchise. Leave it to Simon van Kempen, husband of Real Housewives of New York's Alex McCord, to take the cake with an astronomically bad creation.

Oh, the various assaults, crimes, and misdemeanors perpetrated by this cast of jokers running roughshod over Gotham City. The Real Housewives of New York were more worked up more than a bunch of whores during a penicillin shortage, and it was all in the name of matrimony.

Gisele singlehandedly keeps a party alive by whispering sweet nothings. Britney's conservatorship is phasing out. Kelly Osbourne sees herself in a bikini and cries. John Oliver gets engaged. Monday gossip is impervious to seduction.

Paris Hilton's mug shot looks better than most people's regular photos. Will Spencer Pratt cough up his sex tape? All of Jersey Shore sued for assault. Leonardo DiCaprio gets a restraining order. That is not Sunday Gossip Roundup's purse.

Hear ye, hear ye. This session of Real Housewives of New York Court of the State of Bravo is about to begin. We will hear testimony and sentence the guilty accordingly. The Honorable Andrew M. "Andy" Cohen is presiding.

The claws were out and in full force on last night's Real Housewives of NYC reunion, and Kelly brought her usual dose of complete crazy. Watch her and Alex McCord duke it out inside.

Once again Brian Moylan has provided me with some questions about last night's Housewives, the big old grand finale for the season. (Until the reunion.) Come remember with us, won't you?

Alex McCord drank while pregnant. Bethenny Frankel found a maternity bikini. Sandy B is def divorcing Jesse James. Coca-cola killed Michael Jackson somehow. Simon Cowell's wedding will be a giant publicity stunt. Monday's gossip was sent to bed without supper.

Actually, we were too busy watching fish eat hippo dung on Life last night to be bothered. But fearless fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern tried to crash her way into the festivities. Here is her tale.

Housing Works, an AIDS and homelessness organization, opened its new thrift shop in Midtown last night. We were there along with some Real Housewives, Marc Jacobs' boyfriend, a Bravo boss, and a "day gay." We even got some questions answered.

She wants total control of her daughter's life. Reese Witherspoon has a new man. Jesse James' ex-wife fights for custody—again. No one shows at Bethenny's baby shower. Octomom gets a porn offer. Monday's gossip is pregnant and horny.

Luann, Countess of Crackerjacks, hosted a premiere party for the Real Housewives of New York last night. All Most of the girls were there and they made the mistake of letting us in with a camera. Fun!

It wouldn't be a Fashion Week without a bit of drama, and nothing says drama like a good, old-fashioned fight. Plenty of people are squaring off, but there can only be one victor. Who will walk away champion?

• As if Lindsay Lohan didn't have enough problems in her life, it seems she's a "secret hoarder," too. In an interview with the Style Network's Niecy Nash, LiLo's shows all her "stuff," which includes a bedroom filled with shoe boxes and a living room that's been turned into a giant closet. On the plus side, if Sam Ronson ever goes missing, at least the police will know where to start looking. [Us, DM]
• Tiger Woods is supposedly leaving sex rehab in Mississippi by the end of this week, which means he's changed his ways or he's planning on playing in a golf tournament in Arizona in two weeks and he's not going to let his compulsive sexual habits get in the way of that. Elin Nordegren has already flown down to pick him up. Just so there isn't an incident involving a flight attendant in the first-class lounge on the way home. [Radar, NYP]
• Season three of the Real Housewives of New York debuts next month and now word comes that creepy couple Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen may be booted before season four. It's supposedly because "viewers don't have a positive reaction to them" and Simon threw a fit when he found out he wasn't going to be paid as much as the housewives because, well, he's not a housewife, although you're excused if you thought otherwise. [NYDN]
• Precious star—and Academy Award nominee—Gabourey Sidibe would really, really like for Justin Timberlake to be her Oscar date. So, Jessica Biel, if you could step aside and make it happen, that would be great. [People]
• Jon Stewart sat down with Bill O'Reilly last night. Highlights here. [Gawker]

• The Lohan family drama goes on. Another recorded phone call has been released and this one features Dina Lohan telling Lindsay's father Michael that their daughter once punched her and kicked her out of the car. Naturally, LiLo quickly responded on Twitter and called her father a whole bunch of names. And now Papa Lohan has countered by promising to release even more tapes in the days to come. So, no, this saga is not even close to over. [P6, People]
• Alec Baldwin says he has "a great ass." Please make a note of it. [Us]
• Paul Johnson-Calderon, the bow tie-wearing social gay set to appear on Tinsley Mortimer's upcoming reality show, is in trouble again. He was caught on tape snatching purses on the LES earlier this year; now he's been caught on camera vandalizing a friend's Union Square apartment building. Calderon's defense? "It's not like rock stars don't vandalize hotel rooms and such all the time." Yes, but you're not a rock star, buddy. [P6]

Like the Tim Curry song says, anything can happen on Halloween. Paris Hilton can get choked, Real Housewives can bury the hatchet, Tinsley Mortimer can tape a reality show, Elton John can get sick. It's Monday morning's leftover gossip candy.