Statistics being what they are, every homophobic politician must have a gay loved one hiding somewhere. Dick Cheney has Mary. Alan Keyes has Maya. And Christine O'Donnell, Tea Party Queen of Delaware, has a lesbian sister in L.A.

Twins Charlotte and Samantha Ronson turn 32 today. David Duchovny is turning 49. Charlize Theron is 34. Author and radio personality Garrison Keillor is 67. Conservative political commentator Alan Keyes turns 59. Wayne Knight, the actor best known for playing Newman on Seinfeld, is turning 54. And Jimmy Wales, the co-founder of Wikipedia, is 43 today—at least according to his Wikipedia page. A handful of weekend birthdays—including that of Michael Kors, Chris Cuomo and Dustin Hoffman—follow below.

So an Army vet re-enlisted for the express purpose of refusing to go to Afghanistan because President Obama is not a citizen. Now his insane lawyer says she has 170 other soldiers who feel the same way!

"The person called 'President Obama'," is destroying our borders and wants to kill all the babies, says heroic multiple election-loser Alan Keyes! Keyes knows Obama well, because he debated the secret Muslim back in 2004, when Keyes was the GOP's hilarious sacrificial lamb candidate running against the Chosen One.

This Friday marks the first presidential debate between John McCain and Barack Obama. Debate previews are available pretty much everywhere (this one's fine) but honestly you should probably just watch this clip. It's from the 2004 Illinois Senate race, when Barack Obama was up against Maryland talk show host and certified insane genius Alan Keyes. Keyes is talking about gay adoption, and how it leads inexorably to incest. Nothing on Friday will be this entertaining. Oh, those debate preps they're doing? Obama is practicing against some ancient lawyer dude. This is maybe a mistake because the lawyer dude is probably way more well-spoken and, frankly, Obama-like in his answers than McCain will be, but whatever. McCain is debating Michael Steele, who is entirely unlike Barack Obama in every way except for one important thing: his time spent as a college professor. Ha ha ha, just kidding, it's because he's black. This is to teach John McCain not to seem quite as contemptuous of the black guy as he actually is. (Oh wait, update—McCain says now they won't use Steele! We're sure Alan Keyes is available! Do it!)