"Having been the editor-in-chief of teen magazine YM for five years, and now as the mother of a 17-year-old girl myself, there are a few things I know." What does that sentence tell you? That's right, it's time to hear another one of former Star editor Bonnie Fuller's unique screeds comparing the Presidential race to various moments in celebrity history! Here is why Sarah Palin is just like Lynne Spears:

Yesterday some kid named "Stephany" born in the nineties wrote a Facebook message to fellow members of Princeton Class of 2012, and now we have her picture. (There's another after the jump!) Inspired by its imagery (ripped condoms! bloody lips!) but also by its flawed underlying assumption that anyone gives a shit where you went to college, we crafted our own letter, to all the young people who ever went to college, as part of what we plan to make a regular feature, Tough Love. Dear Young Folks, you know that saying "We don't care about the young folks?" Of course you do, you're young! But it's not really true. I care deeply about Kids Today, especially since it has started to come to my realization that everyone in Generation X hates you! I mean, even if we actually love you, we hate your blog, that you pretend you know everything even as it so rarely seems to occur to you that there is stuff you can't learn on Google, that you have so much misplaced self-confidence, and that when something makes you insecure we get the sense it is the first time you ever felt insecure about that thing and that makes us feel old.

If you're wondering whether you're going to be employed this time next month, you're not alone. A recent survey found that nearly two out of three Americans are worried about losing their job within the next year. And how could they not? Hardly a day goes by without a bank announcing that several billion dollars has gone up in smoke, or that they've taken in several billion from the government of Dubai, Qatar, or Mongolia in a desperate attempt to keep their heads above water. Then there are the layoffs: a total of 463,000 jobs have been shed this year and many more cuts are on the way. (Unless, that is, you work in one of the few professions that does quite nicely in times like these, like bankruptcy law and repo services.) So are you going to be next? Maybe! Which is why you should know what to do—and how to behave—before and after the hammer falls and you're told to pack up your cubicle. Below, our guide to coping with the fact that your investment bank/law firm/media company has decided you're redundant.

Cary Tennis, professional adviser: "Right now I'm just thinking stuff and don't know why. What I'm thinking is, hell, yes, you should tell her. I don't know why and I don't really even care why, it's just what I think." [Salon]

It goes without saying that we will not be in Beijing to cover the Olympics. Furthermore, we've never been to Beijing, and our Olympic experience is limited to one pair of first-round tickets to see the Dream Team crush Kyrgyzstan or somebody in Atlanta in 1996. None of this precludes us from rounding up all of the information on the Internet in order to tell the media that actually is covering the Olympics in Beijing how to do its job. So listen up! Don't be just another sap writing about Michael Phelps while being beaten by Chinese police. After the jump, the only guide to covering the wondrous 2008 Olympics you will ever need:

When we're feeling masochistic, we like to peruse the blog of incompetent superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian. It's his own forum for speaking to you, the consumer, without having to go through the filter of a biased media outlet like this one. So in the spirit of fairness and education, we're bringing you five of the 5WPR CEO's thoughts on how to become a successful entrepreneur-all in that inimitable Ronn style. At the end, we submit a bonus tip of our own! Read and learn from a self-made success story:

John McCain got in trouble this week for an old joke he told once about how women enjoy rape. No one gets his sense of humor! He grew up with the subtle wit of Sir Francis Burnand's Punch, is it his fault the kids today all read filthy comic books or whatever? Similarly, The New Yorker got in trouble this week for printing a cover that everyone had to pretend not to understand in order to be outraged about how no one would get the joke. It was complicated. But we have advice from an expert that will help. John McCain needs to read this email from your day editor's mother.

Yesterday, a grown man threw a tantrum and stormed off the internet. Because we bullied him. It wasn't pretty. Are we proud? Well, it's a living. We spent today mulling over some wise advice we received. And, of course, it's true. We should be constructive! In the spirit of friendship, we'll explain how to survive the Internet without letting the bastards get you down. Heed our words, and you'll never have to shut down another blog. Or quit a message board, or ban yourself from a comments section. Never again will you hear the sirens of the waaaahmbulance.

Salon's clinically insane advice columnist Cary Tennis today gets the chance to respond to the most stereotypical post-college question imaginable. A 24-year-old girl moved to LA to get into the film industry, found out it was shady, and got bummed out. Now she can't decide whether to move home to Florida and save up some money, or go backpacking across Thailand on a spiritual journey. We've all been there! Ann Landers gets 46 letters identical to this every week. So how does our friend Cary handle this easy setup? With his trademark brand of scary, dissociated ramblings indicative of an advanced case of schizophrenia or excessive mescaline use:

Don't expect to roll mobb deep to the club with Hills star Spencer Pratt unless you're ready to spread around some serious cash, my friend. In his closely-read advice column in Radar this week, the boy wonder responds to a needy fan—whom we envision wearing a tight shirt and a year-round tan—who's in anguish over only being able to hit the town with five of his boys at a time. "You can't roll in anywhere with more than five guys holding your hand," he explains. How can he satisfy all of his other homeboys who want to hold his hand in the club? Spencer says: Money money money money, monnneeeeyyyyyyy:

Yesterday's Dear Abby column featured the sad tale of a 38-year-old woman, five months pregnant, who is concerned that when she goes clubbing with her fiance (of five years) "Troy," he sticks her with his "best friend" and disappears for hours. When she finds him, he is "sweaty and has a weird look on his face." He insists there's nothing up. Signed, "Suspicious in New Jersey." That is the most stereotypically Jersey advice column letter ever, right? Well, besides the one immediately following it:

After reading a long email from a wantrepreneur who never gets around to asking for funding, VC blogger Fred Wilson relays the following advice from a friend on how to close a deal:

Cary Tennis: Your Source For Stone Cold Crazy Advice. The Salon advicemonger and generally confused and confusing man today receives a sincere question from a girl about her hard-partying friend, who gets drunk and cheats on her boyfriend, most recently by having "consensual, unprotected sex with one of the Marines" that she met on a night out. What should she do to help her friend? Cary Tennis makes sure she regrets that she ever asked that question. Because Cary Tennis can read her friend's mind:

"Al-Qaida No. 2 Ayman al-Zawahri will soon answer the hundreds of questions submitted by journalists, militants and others about the terrorist network's future, its media wing announced Wednesday.[...]Al-Sahab announced in December that al-Zawahri would take questions from the public posted on Islamic militant Web sites and would respond 'as soon as possible.'" [AP, Related]

Fox News has an article on How to Live Longer, tips from The Blue Zone: Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who've Lived the Longest author Dan Buettner. A few suggestions: "Give away your normal-sized dinner plates and replace them with 9" ones." "Weigh yourself every day for two years. You'll loose (sic) 17 pounds." Actually, death sounds more fun.

Angry McCann Erickson ad agency executive Nina Disesa reminisced fondly to the press today about her former colleague Paul Tilley, who committed suicide late last week. She commended his wisdom and sense of humor. Kind words, and quite a contrast to her assessment of anti-Tilley bloggers as hateful, bitter losers. It's worth pointing out, amidst all the hubbub, that Disesa is currently flogging her book, "Seducing The Boys Club," about how to survive and thrive as a woman in a man's world. Its observations seem to have informed her blog-relations tactics. Below, some of Disesa's top "practical, outrageous, and even controversial maxims" for dealing with men—the dogs!

When we last checked in on Salon's crazy columnist Cary Tennis, he was angrily telling all his online critics to leave him alone. And he hasn't heard anything from us since! Unfortunately, outside criticism was the only thing keeping Cary tethered to reality. Its absence has him backsliding, as evidenced by his response yesterday to a rich guy asking if he should leave the suburbs because he hates it, even though he has a new, expensive house. What about the commuting situation, and the volatile housing market,and his wife's career? So many factors to consider. Is he being rash? And Cary Tennis replied: Why not move to my imaginary Fantasy Land, instead?

Salon advice columnist Cary Tennis uses today's column to respond to his numerous vitriolic online critics. To sum up, people who criticize him are stupid and mean and when they die no one will care. "Perhaps they are accustomed to owning the world and naming the chairs. They see a person sitting in the advice giver's chair who is not doing it the way it has always been done, and they are infuriated, and they believe that they own that chair and they know who should be sitting there. It's as if they want to call the club membership to a vote." Also making fun of Cary reinforces the class system! Seriously, someone needs to explain what he's actually going on about here. We lost him a couple paragraphs before "Lack of self-knowledge is truly a luxury of the self-absorbed." Stop naming the chairs! [Salon]

The following is a 100% authentic email about what I should do next from my mom's father. Two things to know: He makes wine with grapes he grows himself in Southern Maryland! Also, he is alive (it was the other one).

Do you have a problem? Blogger and author Tionna Tee Smalls might have a solution. There's only one way to find out: By asking! Today, Tionna fields a question from a lady who is "hopelessly in love with a rock star." Oooh.