Google is supposed to begin testing gambling ads in the UK today. I've come up snake eyes trying to get one onscreen, so I'd love a screenshot if you get one. Free-market champion Henry Blodget beat me to the summary:

Well Kanye West, we've got to give it to you. In the past we've mocked you for your blog, your anti-hippie rants, your comical self-importance, and your muppet show. But that was before you filled a room with dozens of nude women as a backdrop for your record release party. Critics who enjoy nude women loved it! Here's how these creative, out-of-the-box tactics worked for Kanye and his media friends—Nakedness below:

Suze Orman is, essentially, a hustler. It's not that she necessarily gives bad advice—it's that she sells the idea that anyone needs Suze Orman to give them advice in the first place. Here's an example: the strongly-haired CNBC personality wrote a book called Women and Money. You know what women need to know about money? The exact same stuff that men need to know. Stuff which is primarily available for free, on the internet. Like "don't spend money on books full of facts available for free elsewhere." Unfortunately, Americans are more seduced than ever before by Suze Orman's steely gaze. She's not your friend! During the total economic meltdown of our nation's financial system, who do people turn to? Suze freaking Orman. She's now the face of FDIC, for god's sake. She may not be as dangerous as her closest competitor, mad man Jim Cramer, who actually gives specific advice that will cause you to lose your life savings. But she's insidious nonetheless; if people want financial advice, they definitely shouldn't turn to someone who's really an ad pitchwoman.

Just this week, I saw an NYC subway train plastered with ads on the outside of the cars for the first time, up close. And you know what? It's not that bad! Kind of new and exciting and eye-catching, like graffiti used to be, except less so. That sentiment will wear off within a week or so, and the ads will recede into the category of tiring visual assaults on our collective serenity. Too bad, because more and more and more are on the way, everywhere!: What else could they possibly sell for ad space on subways? Well, how many flat surfaces are there? —Panels in trains. —Billboards in stations. —Total wraps of the exteriors of subway cars —Stairs. —Turnstile structures. —Turnstile arms. —"Digital screens inside stations." —Digital projection ads on interior station walls. —"A large display, almost the size of a movie screen, mounted above a passageway by the 7 train in Times Square." —L.E.D. displays on the interior walls of subway tunnels that make the "windows light up as if there were a television screen outside the window." Commuters willing to sell forehead ad space, please contact the MTA. [NYT]

They're already wrapping subway cars with ads and covering tray tables with marketing messages. Why not just cover every square inch of planes' interiors with pitches for Claritin and Tide detergent? Why not, indeed. A handful of US carriers are now planning to increase revenues by putting ads on bathroom doors and overhead bins. [AP]

Negative ads usually work, despite the fact that everybody whines about them. Not this year! Political scientists (A real job title? Not sure) say that this year's campaign is—as old Bob Schieffer grouchily pointed out last night—the most negative in the history of history. But they also say that this time, that negativity is actually backfiring, for once. Apparently "imaginary bullshit" ranks lower on voters' priority lists than ever before:

Oh America, when will your bothersome Puritanism stop infringing on The Weinstein Co.'s movie marketing efforts? First the MPAA banned the poster for the upcoming Kevin Smith flick Zack and Miri Make a Porno, on the grounds that it was too blowjob-y. So they changed the poster to one featuring simple stick figures. Sorry, whores of Hollywood Babylon, that's not enough to protect our children!: Ads for the movie are being rejected across the nation! Boston ads drew complaints. Philly banned them altogether. And in Los Angeles, the dastardly marketing scheme is preventing children from understanding a baseball strategy in which a runner on third base breaks for home as the pitch is thrown and the batter simultaneously bunts, which can pay off in a run unless the batter misses the bunt, in which case it's almost surely an out at the plate:

Search marketing icon Danny Sullivan recently moved back to his native Southern California after 12 years in a small English town. Yeah, we thought he was British, too. Sullivan documented several infuriating problems he hit trying to connect with local businesses through Google. One stands out, because it was caused by a local business with too much Web savvy, rather than not enough.

"Pole Positioning LLC has created an indoor advertising device to help create brand awareness in a non-traditional manner." Ads on stripper poles. [via Ad Age]

Well now, we got our hands on a survey of people who watch Mad Men, the critically acclaimed show that consists of sex, sexism, cigarettes, booze, boozy sex, racism, and a bit of advertising. And guess what? The audience appears to be made up of off-the-charts alcoholics. Forty-seven times the normal rate of hard Irish Whiskey drinkers, for example. But there's one stunning twist in all this here data!

When times were good and the economy was strong, you could sell companies any old kind of patently ridiculous ad. Did marketing savants really believe that spending wildly to place their brands inside "The Sims" was going to pay off in money that is made out of paper, and spendable here on Earth? It's doubtful. They just got caught up in the sheer newness of plastering their logo anywhere and everywhere, and then made up some bullshit about "branding" to explain the expense. Well that shit is over now, suckas! The first thing to get cut in everyone's ad budget was "experimental" ad buys, random things like branded pop-up games and ads in Virtual Worlds and other, mostly online things that probably never worked in the first place. Also getting chopped: mobile ads that go straight to your cellphone—which not only don't work, but actually annoy the consumer in the process of not working.

Lord, America is going to be forced to raise itself up from this economic crisis just so that we don't go insane from the repetition of advertising slogans about it. It was tolerable when just banks were running "Wall Street meltdown? We can help!" ads, because, you know, they're obliged to say something. But within a few short weeks even candy stores and home builders were using it as a creative crutch, and now it appears there are no ads left in America unrelated to "these troubling times": HBO. Crate & Barrel. Brooks Brothers. Denny's. Equinox. Even Mary-fucking-Poppins. All are running recession-themed ads, like some ill-informed country relative who fills all awkward pauses by repeating what they saw the other day on the tee-vee.

There's a silver lining to the dismal magazine ad page numbers for the most recent quarter: the rest of media will soon be equally depressed.

♦ Gordon Gekko will live again: A sequel to Wall Street is in the works, although Michael Douglas has yet to sign on to the pic. [Variety]
♦ The downturn has been good for financial news sites: CNNMoney.com and BusinessWeek.com have both experience record growth. [WWD]
♦ The new issue of Rolling Stone is shorter and skinnier than issues past. [AP]
♦ Andy Lack, the former president of NBC News (and, more recently, the relatively unsuccessful CEO of Sony Music) is joining Bloomberg L.P. as CEO of the company's multimedia group. [NYO]

Gay website The Sword slammed gay website Radar Online yesterday for running an ad for ProtectMarriage.com—a site supporting an anti-gay marriage initiative in California—right above a Radar story slamming McDonald's for caving to "radical anti-gay extremists." A third gay website (this one) checked with Radar, which said the ad was automatically placed on the page by Google, not sold directly by the gay magazine. (The ad has also reportedly popped up on gay website Towleroad). Well this is why "Adventures in Contextual Advertising" was invented—because Google is a soulless hate machine! The innocent victims here: the gays. And the straights. [via The Sword]

Although companies can measure how many TV commercials, radio commercials, and internet ads you're exposed to, it's just not enough. What about snatches of radio ads overheard through the windows of passing cars—do they affect your shampoo-buying habits? When you were at the gym and walked briskly past a television showing a "Synecdoche, New York" preview—did you write any Philip Seymour Hoffman fan fiction in the following six months? These details are important. Luckily one firm has figured out how to make your cell phone snitch on you to the marketing Matrix: A company called IMMI is perfecting software that goes in your cell phone and catches every snippet of audio you're exposed to, then automatically determines which ads you heard. And more!

"Simply put, this is the seventh release of Windows, so therefore 'Windows 7' just makes sense." That's how Microsoft chose to announce yesterday — via an employee blog — that the next version of Windows will be called Windows 7. It's not news, but by making the name Facebook official, Microsoft is offering a promise: When all this crazy market meshugana shakes out, Windows will still be here. It'll make you safe. And it'll be simple, not like the Windows you have now. The number is a nice touch, a return to an old but successful software publisher's practice. Windows 7.20, instead of Microsoft Windows Vista Business Service Pack 2, will make it easy next year for the new IT guy to figure out which disc is the right one to install on your old laptop. Don't steal it on your way out the door, ok?

Man, Halloween is going to suck this year. A hollow-eyed populace, hobbled by the Wall Street meltdown and unable to afford real costumes, will just wander the streets aimlessly, their kids draped in old bedsheets or festooned with cardboard cutouts in the rough shape of a pirate hat, begging their poverty-stricken neighbors for a boiled egg or a pinch of precious table sugar. Even the corporate bloodsuckers—who normally use Halloween as a marketing opportunity, to drain every last cent out of us in order to blow it on worthless Candy Corn futures—can see what's happening. The only monster this year is ourselves:

In recent months, new online business sites like Clusterstock and Slate's The Big Money launched—and what timing! The current meltdown of all things money-related is the biggest business story in a generation or more. But therein lies the quandary that is currently fucking with most of the big business media brands. Understand this, and you'll understand everything (about business media): Market crashes are, almost without argument, the biggest business stories there are. They're the wars of the financial world. Bull markets, runaway successes, and bubbles are all well and good from the reader's point of view—and they do tend to spawn new titles—but they lack the element of tragedy and fear that mark truly great stories. Ten years from now, business outlets will be judged by their coverage of this meltdown in the same way that the New York Times was judged by its 9/11 coverage, or the Littleton Independent was judged by its Columbine coverage. That said, the business side of business media should be booming, right? Audiences are up! Everyone is addicted to CNBC! The Wall Street Journal has been unmissable for a solid month! And it's fair to assume that readership and viewership is up across the board for business outlets, to varying degrees. Fear makes people extremely interested in information. Here's the quandary: The biggest story for business media always comes along at the same time as the worst ad market. By definition, unfortunately! Market crashes are great from a reporter's standpoint. From an ad salesman's standpoint, they're horrible. So a site like The Big Money, which would seem to have had the good fortune to launch on the wings of a massive story, is actually getting choked by the very same conditions it's reporting on. There's already speculation that Portfolio, Conde Nast's $100 million business offering, is on shaky legs. We know that the Great Magazine Die-Off caused by this shitty economic period is already underway. And ironically, mags like BusinessWeek or Fortune could be likely candidates for severe cutbacks, if not actually death. And hey, the publisher of Fast Company—actually a good magazine!—was just forced to lay off 20 people. That's a lot for a mid-sized place like that.The publisher, Mansueto, is also ending free snacks, gym reimbursements, and, worst of all, closing its Events division. That's a terrifying sign, since there are lots of business publications out there that (shhh!) make more money off their events than they do off their publication. In some cases, a shitty magazine is just a loss leader for a moneymaking side business of awards shows, seminars, and other branded events that companies will shell out for in order to "network" and have allegedly independent awards to use in their marketing materials. But when the businesses themselves tank, the business media tanks harder. It's as if Sports Illustrated saw all of its ads evaporate at Super Bowl time. It sucks, but it's a fact of media life. The survivors will come out stronger than ever, and can feast on the carcasses of their dead competitors, picking off choice talent at low prices. Journalism!

Newspapers are freaking out left and right. They can't hire anyone. They can barely afford to cover anything. And some of them are so paranoid they're looking to sue their own employees. Like an alcoholic dad who beats his kids and blames the god damn factory that just laid him off, newspapers' problem is that they just can't make any dang money, because the internet ate up their market. Their only real hope: increasing web revenue to make up for what they've lost in print ads. The problem: their web revenue is now stalling. The solution: Batman. Ha, no really it's just "more death":