advertising

Diamond Sales Set To Skyrocket In Opposite World

Hamilton Nolan · 11/18/08 10:39AM

Here's a preposterous contrarian strategy: Evil diamond merchant De Beers is more than doubling its marketing spending this holiday season, because they have "new research showing diamond jewelry will be the number-one gift for the holidays in 2008." Oh really? Diamonds made out of compressed spam, boiled into a thin soup and served with watery Kool-Aid, maybe. De Beers says their ad campaign will be "philosophical." That philosophy is egoism with a touch of apocalypticism. [WWD]

American Crisis: Atheists In Our Midst!

Hamilton Nolan · 11/18/08 09:23AM

The atheist War on Christmas looks to be hotter than ever this season! Emboldened by the victory of Barack Obama—a self-proclaimed Christian, but not the type who looks like he would handle serpents recreationally—nonbelievers are running ad campaigns all over the place telling everyone about god, and how he doesn't exist. The heathens have already plastered ads all over our nation's capital. They even have some semi-celebrities on their side. But the forces of Jesus are fighting back! It's an all-out battle for the soul of America's billboards:

Have You Purchased Your Barack Obama Plate?

Hamilton Nolan · 11/17/08 05:16PM

First African-American President Elect Barack Obama's confident smile and kind eyes are an inspiration to us all, so why not commemorate his historic achievement on a "priceless work of art," in the form of a collectible plate? Not just any plate; a fine porcelain Historic Victory Plate featuring our dear leader surrounded by American flags and fireworks, inscribed in 22k gold trim. Only two per customer please; demand is high. This awesome infomercial includes a happy white family gathered about their Obama plate sighing, "I never thought this day would come." It's really very American. Click to watch. And another thing that should not exist:

Wacky Improv Kid's Real Job Is Marketing

Hamilton Nolan · 11/17/08 09:45AM

"Viral" ad campaigns: everybody's sick of them! What to do? Just think of a more appealing name for them. Because appearance, not reality, is what matters, and if you agree with that you just might have a future in advertising. "Viral" campaigns are now called "Dandelions," because they flutter beautifully across the landscape, sowing their brand messages that will grow into beautiful brand flowers. This, according to a new agency that is perfecting the art of being a smart sellout: The agency is called Dandelion, of course, because why let someone else run off with your awesome viral marketing analogy? And Dandelion is not a vulgar "ad" agency; rather, it is a "brand storyteller." For reals. All your favorites are lining up for some of that sweet marketing budget pie:

Riding GM To The Poorhouse

Hamilton Nolan · 11/14/08 02:16PM

Even in a perfect economy, the media would be having economic problems dealing with the internet's impact on the traditional media business models. That's more than enough to worry about. But of course the economy is far from perfect, so the media has an extra challenge: its advertisers are losing money. And for some, we're not talking about fluctuations; we're talking about huge ad buyers who might be wiped off the map. This is why every media company is really, really hoping that the government rushes to the aid of General Motors and its dying US auto industry friends. The auto industry is one of the biggest advertisers of all. Local newspapers reap a lot of their revenue from local auto dealer ads. (The recent decline of those, along with real estate ads and retail ads, has local papers scrambling to figure out what to do). But that's just one small piece; television auto ads and sponsorships are declining too. GM spent more than $2 billion on advertising last year, and when they make cuts, media companies can see tens or hundreds of millions of dollars evaporate. In August, GM pulled out of its sponsorship of the Academy Awards. In September, the company slashed its digital ad budget and decided not to sponsor the Super Bowl. Even when GM tries to spend money, they're cursed. They signed up for a big product placement deal in the craptastic new NBC Christian Slater show My Own Worst Enemy—but yesterday NBC announced it was going to cancel the show because of low ratings. Boy that sucks. And today we learned that, thanks the auto industry's troubles, Christmas has been ruined at yet another media company! A tipster sent us an internal memo to staffers at Sirius XM Satellite Radio from the CEO Mel Karmazin, the former Viacom exec; he's copying his old company by canceling the holiday party and giving everyone an extra vacation day instead. "The economy is slowing, our OEM and retail partners are hurting, satellite radio sales are not growing as we would like, and our stock price reflects that along with other issues," Karmazin writes. A major reason: all those new cars with built-in satellite radios aren't selling. How bad is it overall?

Atheist Ads Target Jesus, Santa, Babies

Hamilton Nolan · 11/13/08 01:57PM

The annual War Against Christmas is starting again! This is the time of year when secular humanists and other assorted anti-American forces do various things to undermine Jesus, such as asking for the term "Holiday party" to be substituted for "Christmas party," and requesting that Jews, Muslims, and members of other blasphemous religions be "included" in things. But this year it's even worse, because some atheists have started a public ad campaign designed to destroy God! Fox News is taking this threat very seriously:

The Fake Ads Of The Fake New York Times

Hamilton Nolan · 11/12/08 01:04PM

The actual stories in The Yes Men's fake issue of the New York Times today are a little too earnestly liberal to be funny, though they're still... nifty? (And look, we know earnest liberals are the easiest group to make fun of, even easier than religious psychos, but let's give them some props for pulling the whole thing off okay? Hope, etc.) But the fake ads they put throughout the issue are a little sharper. Dr. Z makes a cameo! After the jump, five of the best ad spoofs, that have corporate America tumbling down as we speak:

Poster Boy: Trains, Planes, And Britney, Bitch

Hamilton Nolan · 11/11/08 05:18PM

Poster Boy: an anonymous ad remixer in the New York subways. Art: is it what he does? Culture jamming: a term too annoying to use any more, though everyone knows what it means. Sell out: is he bound to, eventually? Questions: he asks them. Britney: slut, psycho, or star? Maria: is she really poopy? Man: why is he flying on outside of train car? Poetry: why aren't I good at it? Five new Poster Boy pieces: after the jump, ya dig:

Ads To Make You Gay

Hamilton Nolan · 11/11/08 03:53PM

Gay Times magazine in the UK got a bunch of ad agencies to make up ads that persuade straight guys to Go Gay. Now there is an idea that is sure to draw greatly varying reactions! Large versions of the three most interesting ones are below. The winner is last. Will this campaign work? Well that's a great setup for a joke, which I am not going to pursue. Here they are:

Media Futurist Jack Myers Has A Cohesive Strategic Vision To Make You Billion$!

Hamilton Nolan · 11/11/08 12:31PM

Did you know that at Huffington Post you are now allowed to use your position as a "blogger" to simply run ads for your own craptastic imaginary version of a ripoff consulting business? It's true! Exhibit A-Z is the new column by "Jack Myers," a "Media futurist" and one of the most jargon-talking jargonists that you may ever hope to jargon with! (Actual bio item: "Jack Myers has nearly 3,000 Facebook friends"). Media futurist Jack Myers interfaces with end users of HuffPo by communicating a strategic column-formed digital word item that "originally appeared at JackMyers.com." Okay Jack hit us with some of your forward-facing media marketing advertising knowledge!: Media futurist Jack Myers knows how to make billions of dollars for the media!

Army Needs New Blood: Yours

Hamilton Nolan · 11/11/08 10:00AM

Happy (in a somber way) Veteran's Day. If you're a young American aged 17-24, you might consider honoring the sacrifices of our men and women in uniform by joining the United States Army yourself! Sounds good, no? We all know the Army has been having some recruitment problems lately, what with the hopeless wars we're fighting and the psycho Commander in Chief and the excellent chance of being blown up. But the Army has decided to shift its sales pitch in order to lure you youngsters in. By talking more about Iraq!: They're adding a webcast called "Straight from Iraq" to their website, where soldiers will tell you the real deal about life in the desert war zone. Presumably not too real, though. They're also supercharging their marketing plan with the following changes: - More internet, less "sponsorships of professional rodeos." - The voice of Gary Sinise! - New commercial: "young workers in business attire suddenly start climbing walls. 'This company is filled with dreamers,' Mr. Sinise says." You'll have to join the Army to know how it ends! Of course, all of this is very much deck chair/ Titanic. If more people join the Army it will be because they can't get a job anywhere else since our economy collapsed. And if the Army was smart it would have one simple selling point: "Bush is gone." [NYT]

The Beginning Of The End Of Chimps In Ads

Hamilton Nolan · 11/10/08 05:10PM

Is this the end of monkey ads? The nonprofit Ad Council—which makes all those famous public service ads you see everywhere—has agreed not to use any more "great apes" in its ads. No chimpanzees or orangutans! Not only that, but the CEOs of dozens of major advertisers and ad agencies sit on the Ad Council's board, and PETA is promising to urge all of them to stop with the ape ads, too. Kiss your precious CareerBuilder monkeys goodbye!

Five Lessons from Obama's Campaign That Aren't Marketing Pseudospeak

Hamilton Nolan · 11/10/08 02:46PM

Now that Obama hath ascended to America's throne, it's time for everyone to speak loudly about the Lessons Learned. Did we learn that Obama won because eight years of heinous mismanagement made everyone hate Republicans? Ha, no, that would be far too easy. The real lessons are all these crazy marketing strategies the Obama campaign used, allegedly! After the jump, we'll tell you five actual lessons of the Obama victory, and why things haven't changed as much as everyone says: 1. Facebook doesn't mean shit: This is really the insight that gives us the most delight. All those Facebook groups for Obama and donating your Facebook status do not mean shit. They are a great way to feel as if you're participating in the campaign fight while actually doing nothing to sway any votes. Facebook is the epitome of preaching to the choir. To the extent that it's an easy and effective way to communicate with people, sure, it helps, and it will be adopted by both parties eventually to the extent that it makes their jobs easier, just like email and websites. But the idea that some sort of "Facebook activism" actually helped shift red states to blue states is just wrong. Offline tendencies drive online behavior, not vice versa. 2. TV is still king: With all the internet and the websites and the social networking and the blast emails and the online video and the microtargeting, you know what the most important weapon is for any campaign. TV ads, as always. That's where all that money you give on the internet gets spent (Obama spent $250 million on ads—which sounds like a lot until you compare it to, say, the $300 million Microsoft is spending for its current ad campaign). In terms of being a powerfully influential medium for moving voters, TV crushes the internet now and forevermore until further notice, the end. 3. The candidates matter: Did Barack Obama do better than John Kerry because Obama had a more sophisticated media strategy? OR was it because Obama is more competent, more likable, more telegenic, and was running against a teetering old warmonger who would be a heartbeat away from turning the Oval Office over to a fundamentalist Alaskan psycho woman? You decide. 4. Elections ride the swinging pendulum: When the nation swings as far to one end of the spectrum as we've been for the last eight years, with such disastrous results, you can bet it'll swing back to the other end. Honestly, Christopher Dodd with no Facebook page at all would have had a pretty decent shot at winning this year if he raised the money Obama did. It's the Democrats' time. 5. Campaign tactics are always evaluated in retrospect because the media has no idea what it's talking about, mostly: Here's how media experts evaluate the tactics of a presidential campaign: A campaign does something. The media sees what the reaction is. Then they "explain" why it was a good/ bad idea, based on whether it worked or not. If some tactic starts off slow and is pronounced a failure only to eventually start working, watch the media magically create a reason for this dynamic that does not include "We have no idea what we're talking about." This goes for us too, btw. Neither we or our media colleagues are any more able to predict the dynamics of an election in advance than you, the average idiot! The only prediction worth a shit is one made beforehand, that turns out to be right. And the person making that prediction is still not worth a shit unless they can make similar, accurate predictions repeatedly over an extended period of time. This is why everything that pundits say is good only for entertainment value, and Nate Silver will rule the world.

The Fun Side Of Poverty

Hamilton Nolan · 11/10/08 11:42AM

In keeping with the new law that every single ad for everything must how have a "Hard Times" theme, companies that want to sell any product to the public are now forced to talk about how cheap their stuff is, which just months ago would have been offensive to their "brand integrity" or some such bullshit. They've already started plastering coupons (gauche!) on the outside of everything and trying to convince you that their product fits into your new pauper lifestyle. How bad has it gotten? This bad:

Russia Regulates Eyesore Ads; America Wins!

Hamilton Nolan · 11/07/08 10:43AM

Here in New York, advertisers will toss up huge billboards on every flat surface, zoning laws be damned (see here for nice chart illustrating how much the police care about illegal advertising). Well that's pretty embarrassing for us, because they're even cracking down on the insane proliferation of billboards in Moscow. In Russia! Is America poised to take back the international "Rampant and Rapacious Uncontrolled Advertising In Service of Almighty Capitalism" title? Well, only if the economic crisis doesn't force Moscow to quit taking down billboards before it starts. It's a nice idea, but we don't want to cut into revenue here!

If Only We Had An Ivy Leaguer In The White House...

Hamilton Nolan · 11/06/08 04:12PM

Oh, good one. The smaller text on this ad (for a website that sells college info) gives all of Barack and Michelle Obama's Ivy League credentials. The payoff line: "From Bush League to the Ivy League." See, everything's better now that Ivy League grads will be in charge! Except that George W. Bush went to Yale and Harvard. Taste the failure, Ivy League. Failure of all you stand for. Click for the big version. [via Adrants]

The Worst Commercial on Television?

cityfile · 11/06/08 02:58PM

If Toyota's "Saved By Zero" commercial makes you want to hurt yourself, or someone else (not to mention has ensured you'll never buy a Toyota as long as you live), you're not alone. The "Stop Playing Toyota's 'Saved by Zero' Commercial" group on Facebook now has 2,394 members. [AdFreak]

What Will Obama Mean For Our Elitist Yuppie Industries?

Hamilton Nolan · 11/06/08 02:24PM

Affluent urban professionals are so happy that Obama is our next president! They're educated and urbane and liberal and they are simply in love with our elected leader, for a change! But now that they've finally gotten over their election night party hangovers, they're starting to realize: whoa, these Democrats might not be so good for our beloved Fashion/ Advertising/ PR/ Entertainment industries, which give us affluent urban professionals our paychecks! After the jump, we take a brief look at how these industries of liberal elites really feel about the prospects of an Obama presidency:

Kenneth Cole's Bad Slogans Cut Across Party Lines

Hamilton Nolan · 11/06/08 11:38AM

Middling designer Kenneth Cole is well known for writing his own pun-tastic advertising copy after only seconds of thought, and he hasn't lost his razor-sharp mind. Yesterday there was already a Kenneth Cole billboard up for Obama's election: "A precedent we can be proud of.—Kenneth Cole." He had one ready for a McCain election, too: "Out with the old...In with the older.—Kenneth Cole." In case of a third party victory, he could have gone with: "OMG I'm so surprised I didn't even think one up! Well okay how about like, 'Third is the word.' Yea, I like that because it has, like, different levels. Raoul, send that one over to the billboard people.—Kenneth Cole." [NYT]