Gay-hating, women-hating, child-hating, and education-hating monster Pat Robertson wants you to know that your gluten-hating lifestyle will send you straight to hell.

It may have been April 1st yesterday, but televangelist Pat Robertson wasn't kidding when he told a viewer that Americans aren't experiencing God's miracles because they are too "sophisticated."

This morning on the 700 Club's regular segment "Bring It On," in which horrible people ask other horrible people how to continue being horrible people, a man asked Pat Robertson how to work things out with his wife who "has no respect for [him] as head of the house." Pat Robertson responded, unblinking:

On today's episode of the 700 Club, not-dead televangelist Pat Robertson was intrigued by a snippet from his co-host Kristi Watts' interview with Condoleezza Rice. Rice said her favorite Thanksgiving food is mac 'n' cheese, a sentiment that Watts seconded. So Pat Robertson hears this, notes that the two ladies' skins have similarly high melanin levels, and asks, "What is this mac 'n' cheese? Is that a black thing?" It is! It grows on trees, in Africa.

"Ladies and gentlemen," 700 Club televangelist Pat Robertson tells us before delivering the clip we've all been expecting for several days. "I don't want to get weird on this so please take it for what it's worth." Dude, you use disclaimers now to preface your latest comical religious explanations for natural disasters, in the case the Great D.C. Earthquake? Please show some spine to support all that bullshit, Pat.