If you haven't seen frequent crier John Boehner's hilarious waterworks performance from last night's 60 Minutes yet, you haven't lived. All Lesley Stahl had to do was mention "opportunity" or "achievement" and voila: Explosive tears, from the incoming House Speaker.

Tonight, 60 Minutes aired its Mark Zuckerberg profile. Also featured: the Winklevii, aka twins Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, who sued Zuckerberg for "stealing" their idea. And once again, Zuckerberg came out on top with a smart, sassy dis. Watch inside.

Apparently, two things happen when you get old: you accumulate tons of stuff, and you don't want to throw it away. Such is the case for Andy Rooney, who discussed the issue—and name-dropped a lot—on tonight's 60 Minutes.

The new Spider-Man show on Broadway cost $60 million to make. Expenses included a sophisticated stunt system normally used for cameras in football games - traveling at up to 50 mph - and paying U2 to write the score.

On tonight's 60 Minutes, Andy Rooney cited a study that claimed that Asian-Americans who live in New Jersey and have a good sense of humor have the best chance to live to be 100—he was skeptical! Watch inside.

Tonight on 60 Minutes Mark Wahlberg took us on a tour of his hometown of Dorchester, Mass., recounting a beer-run gone horribly wrong and his rise from behind bars to the upper echelons of the Funky Bunch.

Those unfamiliar with Bill O'Reilly and his Factor may not know that he does nightly "Reality Checks" on people he feels need to be, well, checked, boo. Tonight, O'Reilly took on Andy Rooney's rambling rant from last night's 60 MInutes.

60 Minutes had a segment yesterday illustrating how Sargent Salvatore Giunta rescued two men from the Taliban in an impossible situation. 60 Minutes claims that he is now the only living recipient of the Medal of Honor since Vietnam. Video inside.

Last week, 60 Minutes was boring. Why? Because there was no Andy Rooney! Luckily for us, though, Rooney was back tonight with a nonsensical rant about how much he hates surveys—even though he constantly reads them. Watch inside.

Stop the presses—Andy Rooney's finally found something that he doesn't hate! During yesterday's 60 Minutes, Rooney revealed that he'd recently seen Secretariat. Further, Rooney enjoyed the film (though not as much as seeing the horse in person).

On this week's edition of, "Andy Rooney Talks About Things That He Hates," we have this: Rooney goes through fan mail, and then criticizes the people who wrote him letters! He also says that he will never shave his eyebrows.

On Sunday, we told you that Andy Rooney has vowed to lose 20 lbs. by Halloween. (Video here.) Tonight, Stephen Colbert hilariously discussed the absurdity of Rooney's goal after playing an even more hilarious clip reel of his constant complaining.

Breaking: Andy Rooney is still a nearly unintelligible curmudgeon! Tonight on 60 Minutes, Rooney launched into a random rant about dieting before he declared that he plans to lose 20 lbs. before Halloween. Uh, by shaving his eyebrows? Video inside.

Tonight's 60 Minutes featured Anderson Cooper's profile of Eminem, and—while certain parts lagged—it delivered the drama, including a discussion (and probe by Cooper) regarding the rapper's homophobic/misogynistic/violent lyrics and whether or not he could defend them. Watch inside.

Now we know why Miami's airport evacuated last night: Something suspicious was found in the suitcase of a man previously jailed for smuggling the plague. Meet Dr. Thomas Butler, a white guy from Texas who works in Saudi Arabia.

Two interesting results from this wide-ranging 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll: 59% think Sarah Palin lacks "the ability to be an effective president"; and the strongest resistance to a new tanning tax comes from seniors. What does your leathery grandpa think?

Derek Paravicini is blind, can't tell one hand from the other, and can't hold a conversation. He can, however, play any song on the piano—from memory—in any key and in any style. His incredible 60 Minutes profile, inside.

In this segment, Andy Rooney explains his musings on desire, and how it is repulsive that we desire more than what we need. Andy is downright annoyed that he wanted two cookies after already being full from lunch.

Ever hear of phthalates? They are esters that help plasticize things like rain coats and shower curtains, and they make body lotions smell nice. They also may be causing young men to develop in "several ways less completely masculine."

The Funny or Die people have given their insight as to what Conan's real thoughts were during his interview with Steve Kroft. It was only a matter of time.