We can almost see the barely concealed look of horror that flashed across the 24 casting director's face when deceptively Anglo-monikered Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle star Kal Penn signed in at his audition for a part as an up-and-coming CTU operative who would play a crucial role in a particularly daring, death-cheating Jack Bauer escape from enemy clutches. Upon discovering that the actor was perhaps not as alabaster-complected as they'd hoped ("Hold on, didn't I ask for Harold? What? Harold wasn't white either?"), much shuffling of script pages occurred as they scrambled to find the sides for the part of the Indian programmer to whom the recently deceased Edgar's job was outsourced, but could finally locate only ones for the "guy who is somehow involved with the Islamic guru running the neighborhood mosque and might be the key to a terrorist plot." The talented Penn, of course, shrugged off the switch and knocked it out of the park, saving the casting department the trouble of sitting through a wasted day of auditions with Latino actors they would deem not "ethnic" enough to be mixed up with terrorists.

With close-ups of full penetration still probably years away from their primetime television debut, producers are forced to linger closer to the darker side of the eros-thanatos continuum to keep their audiences properly scandalized. Somewhat embarrassingly, both the NY and LA Times (apparently spurred by the sudden deaths of 24 characters in the last two episodes) chose today to run their "Death is the new black" stories. From the NYT:

It's a toss-up really, which version of Kiefer Sutherland's existence is more exciting: His day-to-day life or his fictional exploits as CIA CTU agent Jack Bauer on Fox's addicting 24. Both feature substance abuse, intrepid globetrotting, high body counts, and destruction on a massive scale. We'll give it to 24, however, which is currently at the start of a particularly strong fifth season. To help you keep track of Jack's killings and goings around LA and beyond, Gawker Media's guide to the urban galaxy, Gridskipper, has compiled what could well be the most exhaustive, technologically astute web-based 24 guide in history: The Jacktracker.

A series of questions raised by last night's premiere of Fox's ridiculous and ridiculously addictive action series, 24:

The recent layoffs that swept the entertainment industry seem also to have reached the Fox lot, where we fear the entire Fox News Cafe Promotional Menu Department has been decimated by cutbacks. It's the only logical explanation for today's bill of fare supposedly celebrating 24's two-night, four-hour season premiere event. Feebly tied-in offerings like "pulse-racing pasta," "suspenseful sandwiches," and a "shocking" serving of Manhattan clam chowder make a mockery of the once-proud News Cafe theme-meal tradition. The most buzzed-about series on Fox's current schedule demands top-shelf effort, even if it results in an unappetizing, Bones-like misstep; better to overshoot the creative target with dishes like "Holy Shit! Did Jack Bauer Just Cut Off That Dude's Head? Meatloaf" then settle for the mediocrity of the "ticking clock combo." Fox execs better make sure that Kiefer Sutherland doesn't wander into the Cafe today, lest he express his rage at their promotional neglect by getting grievously drunk and asking permission to destroy the "Fucking CTU Salad Bar" in disgust.