Photo of science: Flickr

Stem cells! Brain map! Wheel bike! Spider talk! Hot weather! New planets! Fault lines! And what do “certain” scientists do for a living, anyhow? It’s your Thursday Science Watch, where we watch science—for pure profit!

  • Well it looks like scientists have finally programmed stem cells to grow cartilage. Hey brothers and sisters—give me a call when they program stem cells to grow a heaping dose of common sense. That’s a show I’ll tune in for—in spades.
  • A new map of the human brain offers unprecedented detail, demarcating 360 separate brain areas including they mygdala, the smadulo, the perstila, the mexcromu, the hordilary, and the antederufinator. Is it possible that within our lifetime we will unlock the secrets of the upsamadila angrutexal forsposhonal? Possible, sure. But likely? Ask a scientist, I guess. If you trust them, I feel sorrier for you than I do for a poor man. At least a poor man might have a good head on his shoulders. Bad economic circumstances befall good people. Anyone who’s lived a little can tell you this.
  • Imagine if someone invented a wheel that would convert any bicycle into an electric vehicle. Are you imagining it? Okay, now open your eyes... it’s true. There is one. And you’ll still probably never get over your fear of bees.
  • Spiders have different personalities, just like humans. Some spiders are kind, like me, and some spiders are incredibly vindictive and downright unfair, like Mario who works at the hardware store. Who set up that precarious display of light bulbs that was just waiting to fall down, Mario—you or me?
  • Our planet just had the hottest June in recorded history. “Oh, boo, what the heck, let’s get mad about it!” you say. Look, it’s in the past, man. And there’s no guarantee the future will resemble the past. Read some David Hume. After you do, come back and see me. “I read some David Hume,” you say. “I think differently now.” While you’re saying that, the sun’s concentrated rays appear to have set the hem of your garment aflame.
  • We’re told that NASA has discovered 100 new planets. The source for this “news?” None other than N-A-S-A. Well, well. Media literacy, my friends.
  • As if the San Andreas fault wasn’t unpopular enough, now they say that the earth’s tides could trigger an earthquake along that famous crack. I swear—sometimes the San Andreas fault thinks about just moving back to San Andreas, getting a job at Old Navy, and just being normal. You know? Out of the madness. But when you have a dream you have to follow it, ultimately.
  • Paleontologists announce the finding of a new dinosaur species every two weeks. Sounds like a lot... until you consider the fact that many actual dinosaurs went out and killed things every single day, without the use of any of our modern technologies. Have we really come all that far in the last 80 million years? It makes you think. About dinosaurs. About killing. And about killing paleontologists.