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Rain mountain! Embryo debate! Mercury crossing! Leopard range! High metabolism! Huge holes! Dead starfish! And grotesque intimations of the carnal kind! It’s your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—until it falls off!

  • “Could a man-made mountain increase rainfall in the United Arab Emirates?” I don’t know—could a man-made valley increase electricity in Western Qatar? Could a man-made iceberg increase humidity in Upper Mongolia? Could a man-made fjord increase gross domestic product in Lesser Norway? All questions of equal meaning to the original. The subtle point is that “science,” as it is presented to the general public, through the machinations of the mainstream media, is a farce. If you are reading this column—stop.
  • Researchers have grown human embryos outside of the womb for 13 days. Is that ethical? Let me phrase the question a different way: It was me who smashed your car window and stole your iPad a few months back. It was just sitting there in plain view. Ethical? What if we both came from “wombs,” and yet you felt qualified to judge me for my actions? Ethical?
  • This coming Monday, Mercury will cross the sun’s face from the perspective of Earth. This won’t happen again for years, and yet if I just threw a ball in front of a flashlight, would it really be so different? It wouldn’t.
  • The range of leopards has declined by about 75% worldwide. With another 24% decline we’ll have them backed into a corner. Then we strike the final blow.
  • When it comes to asking the question “How did humans get bigger brains than primates?” one good answer containing accuracy is “humans have a higher metabolism and more body fat to fuel it which helped us evolve larger brains, and later, we thought up how to make guns.” When answering in front of a crowd, project your voice to the back row.
  • What would you do if I told you that one freaking black hole is 660 million times more massive than the sun? Would you believe me? Based on what evidence? Just my professional demeanor? What if I told you I’m the credit card number inspector?
  • We don’t know why North American starfish are dying off. We do know that not a single starfish was selected in this year’s NFL draft. Perhaps starfish should focus more on the quality of their play and less on excuses.
  • When you open up a family newspaper today, do not be surprised to find yourself subjected to blaring headlines about “Space Sex.” A company named “Space Sex” is reportedly “landing” its “rocket” in “just the right place” after it “blasted off.” If you’re not already disgusted by the quality of the “news” today, just be glad the “editors” who work at these rags didn’t feel the need to spell their little double entendres out any more explicitly before blaring them out into the world where a child could see them while innocently eating their breakfast cereal. If I may now comment in a voice that is absolutely dripping with sarcasm: Thank you, members of the “media” for informing us of the very latest “news” about “Space Sex”—heaven forbid we be allowed to lead our lives without being showered with “breaking” information about the tawdry exploits of these extraterrestrial harlots...
    Pardon me. The company’s name is actually “SpaceX.”