Illustration: Jim Cooke/Gawker

Something really messed up is happening, and I cannot believe everyone is like, so blasé about this, which is a word I learned from this pretty cool guy Liam I was talking to over the summer when I went on a teen tour in Nice, where I lived for literally a month without any adults just counselors who were only like three years older than me, and I did just fine. So I guess my point is my mom is always like “I just want what’s best for you,” but that’s actually really condescending.

Basically, this judge just made it legal for my mom to spy on me, which she does anyway but now she’s going to be all justified about it. Like, I get it’s because a dad secretly recorded a pocket dial his ex-wife and her new boyfriend made while beating up his kid, which like, obviously so messed up, but trust me, that’s not what my mom is going to use it for.

And honestly, we came in third at mock trial regionals this year, so I know more about the law than your average, like, “teen” per se.

Because they’re making it so my mom and stepdad Rob, can secretly record what I’m doing without even letting me know they’re listening if it’s like, “necessary” for my “welfare.” And if you ask my mom, freaking everything is “necessary” for my “welfare.” Like how she got so weird when I wouldn’t let her look at my snapchat!!!

Like there was this time in seventh grade where she made me wear tights under my dress when I was going to Maddie R.’s bat mitzvah even though it wasn’t even that cold out. And when I poured my parents’ vodka into a water bottle I have hidden in the back of my closet and my mom found it, she acted like I had freaking murdered someone. Like, I lived in France without them for an entire summer. I think I can handle it. In France, they have like, a culture of drinking wine at the table that is just, like, so much more healthy than in America. I honestly sometimes think I should have been born abroad.

Anyway I know my mom’s already secretly reading my texts. I can’t prove it, because she knows all this stuff that she, just like, shouldn’t know. Like, Olivia last summer drank like four shots and spent the whole night puking out the window of Matt’s dad’s Range Rover and it got like, all over the side of the car. And I held her hair AND I offered to pay for a car wash because we were drinking the water bottle vodka which might have had tequila in it too because the bottles looked alike in the freezer. It was actually a really serious situation. Anyway Matt was like, “Don’t worry about it,” which honestly was really cool of him and he drove me home and tried to make out with me but I didn’t because the summer was almost over, and I feel like he’s not as sophisticated as the senior guys I’ve been talking with, but anyway my mom totally started hating Olivia after that and I KNOW it’s because she read my texts about it, because Olivia is really popular with all the parents. So, yeah.