President Obama just announced new sanctions against Russian and Ukrainian officials. "We have fashioned these sanctions to impose costs on named individuals who wield influence in the Russian government and those responsible for the deteriorating situation in Ukraine," the White House said in a statement.

This weekend, MTV ran a mini-marathon of three episodes of its best show (possibly ever), True Life. Though the episode title "I Want Respect for My Sect"4 seemed to hint at a portrait of militant Mormon fundamentalists, the actual show was even more off the wall (as if that seemed possible before it aired). Instead, it profiled a vampire (who says she was born that way), a furry (but not for "perverted" reasons), and Hannah, the Juggalo woman ("Juggalette") in the clip above, who struggled with the fact that her strict, Christian father did not approve with her upcoming Juggalo-themed wedding ceremony. He was fine with her getting married—he even accompanied Hannah and her Juggalo husband, Jeremy, to a ceremony at City Hall—he just didn't want to take part in the whole Juggalo thing. It wasn't, according to him, a traditional wedding.

Daniel Allen Noble of Flagler County had the "Uzi-style" assault weapon. He had the ammo. He had the bandanna and blades and the look of a badass. He had some patrons of the Europa Lounge in his sights. And then he had his ass handed to him by some burly Slavic bar-goers.

Late last night, a lawyer named Ethan Kirschner, claiming to represent Dorian Satoshi Nakamoto, emailed a statement to several members of the media, including Reuters' Felix Salmon. In it, Nakamoto denies that he is, in fact, the "Satoshi Nakamoto" commonly credited with "inventing" Bitcoin. Here's what he says, in full:

Early this morning, a 4.4 magnitude earthquake hit Los Angeles. While there was no major damage, everyone in LA certainly felt it, including the morning team at KTLA. Their reaction? Duck and cover.

According to WNYC, there are 634 runways in range of the missing flight. The Atlantic's Jim Fallows points out that not all of them, though, are big enough to handle a Boeing 777.

The White Man March, a worldwide white supremacist rally that was set to go off Saturday, may have actually happened. It's just that no one really noticed.

"Asset forfeiture" is a legal term meaning "when police take all the valuable shit in your car and keep because you may or may not have been exceeding the speed limit." These programs are at last coming under a wee bit of scrutiny.

A 4.4 magnitude earthquake just hit Los Angeles.

Malaysian officials have now backtracked from yesterday's claim that Flight 370's final interaction with ground control came after the plane's communications system was deliberately shut off. "We don't know when the Acars system was switched off," Ahmad Jauhari Yahya, the CEO of Malaysia Airlines, said early Monday.

Following Sunday's overwhelming vote in favor of secession, Crimea's parliament declared the region's independence from Ukraine on Monday and formally asked to join the Russian Federation. As expected, officials in Kiev, the U.S., and the E.U. have denounced the vote, calling it illegal and threatening sanctions.

An LA Times reporter was fired for an inappropriate relationship with a source and three stories about sexual assault at Occidental College had to be corrected after the paper discovered a major error.

Authorities still have no idea where the missing Malaysia Airlines plane is, but they've found a new place to refocus their efforts—the pilot who said, "All right, good night," a few minutes after the plane was diverted.

A scuba diver caught his near brush with death on film when a shark tried to attack him as he swam in a reef in the western Caribbean Sea.

Rapper Tyler, The Creator was arrested yesterday on misdemeanor charges of inciting a riot at his SXSW show, and now there's video of him encouraging a crowd of hundreds of fans to force their way into the Austin venue.

In a particularly unsurprising result, Crimea has motioned to secede from Ukraine and join Russia with 95.5% of voters in the referendum in favor of the secession. Western leaders have called the vote "illegal" and have threatened economic sanctions on Russia in response.

Hey, I hope you had a nice weekend with all the trappings of springtime preparations at your disposal: baseball season's beginning, St. Patrick's Day sloppiness, maybe a pair of shorts! Did you wear shorts? Well, guess what—it's over.

In what has become one of the most highly publicized cases of sexual assault in the military, U.S. Army Brigadier General Jeffrey Sinclair will plead guilty to lesser charges in exchange for a dismissal of certain accusations, including the claim that Sinclair threatened to kill his mistress and her family.

18-year-old Mason Endres was one of 23 people injured at South By Southwest early Thursday morning when a man plowed through a barrier and into a crowd, killing 2. This weekend, one of her favorite bands, Jared and the Mill, played a few songs at her bedside.

It's understood that dogs aren't the most intelligent of creatures, but damn they're cute, so when one little pup named Oreo was stranded forty feet down a 90-foot cliff in Santa Rosa, California, a brave worker came to its rescue.