One day after gunmen terrorized the coastal town of Mpeketoni, Kenya, slaughtering 48 people, a second attack on the nearby villages Poromoko and Pagani left at least nine more dead, according to local police.

At least 48 Sunni militants were killed in or around Baghdad last night, adding to already substantive fears of a full-out sectarian war developing in Iraq. As of now, at least 170 U.S. soldiers are armed for combat to protect the embassy in Baghdad, though President Obama says they will not engage in direct fighting.

Tracy Morgan's condition has been upgraded from critical to fair 10 days after a highway crash that killed comedian James McNair and seriously injured Morgan and two others.

NBC Nightly News anchor and occasional rapper Brian Williams got the supercut treatment from The Tonight Show—again, this time for Sir Mix-A-Lot's ode to derriere, "Baby Got Back." It includes a particularly inspired cameo choice for the song-making, "make me so horny" lyric. Keep rapping and "rapping," BriWi.

Seattle police have arrested 23-year-old Keshav Bhide after he allegedly made comments online about killing women and praising the shootings carried out by Elliot Rodger at the University of California, Santa Barbara last month, where seven students were killed. In one message he allegedly wrote, "everything Elliot did is perfectly justified."

A hacker group called Rex Mundi has obtained the records of more than 600,000 Domino's Pizza customers in France and Belgium and are threatening to publish the information online if a €30,000 (approximately $40,800 USD) ransom isn't paid.

The Faith Regional Medical Center in Norfolk, Neb. is reporting that one person has died and at least 15 people have been admitted with critical injuries after twin tornadoes tore through the state this evening.

The FBI knows what LMAO means. According to an internal manual released today under the Freedom of Information Act to the open-records website MuckRock, the bureau also knows what ANFAWFOS, EOTWAWKI, and IITYWTMWYBMAD stand for. So beware: The feds have cracked Twitter slang. Or think they have.

The Associated Press has confirmed that President Obama will deploy 275 military troops to Iraq to combat the growing Sunni Islamist revolt in the country.

Zach Dasher, nephew of Phil and Silas "Uncle Si" Robertson, of the highly politicized Duck Dynasty flock, announced his candidacy today for the Louisiana congressional seat to be vacated by Vance McAlister, who was caught on camera making out with a woman who was not his wife. It's a circling back of sorts: McAlister's other big moment of celebrity was when Duck Dynasty son Willie endorsed him for the same seat.

It is safe to say that as we enter the summer of 2014, emoji demand is outpacing emoji supply. There are so many emoji, and yet, so many more words, so many emotions we can't yet ironically express via tiny images in text messages. That list, though, has dwindled: phones will soon be able to recognize up to 250 more emoji.

Is it trying to get you to associate the Republican Party with SportsCenter? Hoping you'll fall for a lovable anti-Clinton mascot costume? Trying to court nut producers for donations? Who knows? The point is: Reince Priebus wanted it, and it's in HD, so watch the damn turd.

Shit's getting serious in the world now. Fortunately, there's plenty of toilet paper.

"Now is not the time to re-litigate either the decision to invade Iraq in 2003 or the decision to withdraw from it in 2011," William Kristol and Frederick Kagan write. Agreed! This is no time for blood-soaked proven idiot monsters to crawl back out and try to talk to us about war policy. Shut up forever.

KFC has issued a $30,000 apology to the family of a 3-year-old Mississippi girl who was asked to leave one of their restaurants because her scarred face was "disrupting our customers."

Amanda Ezra, a mother of three from Mishawaka, Ind., died yesterday after hitting her head on an unidentified object while vomiting out the front window of a moving minivan. She was 24.

The White House is considering sending U.S. special operations forces to Iraq as the country's northwest collapses under the weight of a Sunni Islamist revolt, unnamed officials told the AP this afternoon.

Marion Barry was mayor of Washington D.C. He's currently a council member in the District. In between, he did a stretch in a federal pen for smoking crack on camera. Now, in his new memoir, he can finally tell you about smacking a woman "upside the head" and what cocaine does to his dick.

The police department in Pflugerville, Tx. is now encouraging kids to be "cool" by "following traffic laws." Starting today, kids who make "cool moves" like not jaywalking will be approached by cops and presented with a ticket that comes with free ice cream instead of a fine. The police did this last year and somehow did not terrify the 500 kids they ticketed.

Last week, after years of back-and-forth, it looked like New York might finally pass medical marijuana. Governor Andrew Cuomo, who opposed the idea as recently as last year, was basically on board, and the Compassionate Care Act had already passed the state Assembly. All that was left was the Senate, where the bill reportedly had more than enough support.