While South Park was busy crapping all over addictive "free-to-play" mobile games designed to entice you into spending dumptrucks full of money for the full experience, they also managed to hit the alcohol industry with some of the splashback. This poop metaphor is breaking down fast, so here's what actually happened:

Seth MacFarlane, creator of "We Saw Your Boobs," hit a piano bar in Milwaukee Saturday night and inevitably ended up on stage, singing and drinking. (The traditional "no drinks on the piano" rule does not apply to Seth MacFarlane.)

There are many things wrong with the bloated, expensive American health care system. I would like to complain about one small part of it: the prices. It's not just that the prices are high. It's that... where the hell are the prices?

Earlier this week, ninety-year-old activist Arnold Abbott was issued a citation for distributing food to the homeless in violation of strict new rules in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. He warned that the law wouldn't stop him, and yesterday, he was busted for filling bellies yet again.

In the latest chapter of the internet's favorite e-book, Human Obliterates Valid Point with Bumbling Delivery, actor Rose McGowan recently took all the gay men that you can think of—all that your eye could see, all that you could grease up with Crisco and fit in an infinite amount of Olympic size swimming pools—to task during a recent episode of Bret Easton Ellis's podcast. "Gay men are as misogynistic as straight men, if not more so. I have an indictment of the gay community right now, I'm actually really upset with them," McGowan said.

The backlash against malignant grabby-chokey dating coach Julien Blanc's speaking tour of Australia reached its peak today as a group of novice pickup artists was chased off a boat by protesters.

Johns Hopkins University's Sigma Alpha Epsilon chapter has been suspended for "underage drinking" in the wake of allegations that two men raped a 16-year-old girl at an off-campus SAE party this weekend. The girl, who was visiting her older sister, told cops the men assaulted her in the bathroom.

"Accidental racist" Brad Paisley, one-half of the Country Music Award's hosting duo on ABC last night, tried to make a joke about Black-ish, the show that would have normally aired during the time slot. Shockingly, it didn't land!

"Ridgewood is in the chrysalis stage of an outer-borough transformation that shrieks 'Brooklyn.' Except it's not in that overhyped borough." The New York Times style section has arrived, so "Queens is the new Brooklyn" is already over.

TMZ reports that Amanda Bynes's parents will "file legal docs in the next few days handing over the conservatorship over their daughter to someone else, and then they're moving to Texas." The conservatorship will likely go to a mental health professional.

"She moved the needle, all right—backward." Jay Root, for the Texas Tribune, runs down Wendy Davis' meteoric rise and blundered, maddening campaign for governor that handed her a more than 20-point defeat from her Republican opponent. Texas won't be any color other than a deep red for the foreseeable future.

The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Office has confirmed that remains discovered by hikers in Palmdale, Ca. Sunday to be Gavin Smith, the 20th Century Fox film distribution executive who disappeared in May of 2012. He was 57.

That crazy girl Miley Cyrus (she's crazy!) revealed on Instagram yesterday that she has a new business venture: Billy-Bob dentures. You know, those gross-looking fake teeth that people wear for laughs and fun. Miley modeled the line in the nude with illustrated chicken wings affixed to her breasts.

A fight over a mall parking spot ended rather badly when one of the men suddenly decided the best way to resolve things was to destroy everything in sight.

Phil Rudd, the 60-year-old AC/DC drummer, was arrested this morning in New Zealand on charges that he tried to have two people murdered.

Authorities in Florida are searching for an armed quadruple amputee who's reportedly been on the run since Tuesday, hoping to question him about his involvement in a double murder.

Police say the murder confession posted yesterday on the image board 4chan was real and matches an active crime scene in Port Orchard, Washington.

This dashcam video of a nighttime encounter with a fake roadblock on Interstate 78 near the New Jersey Turnpike is easily the pants-shittingest thing in real life horror on the internet today, but what the hell is actually going on here?

The Daily Mail is reporting the name—Robert O’Neill—of the retired Navy SEAL who plans to appear on Fox News and reveal that he shot Osama bin Laden. O’Neill’s father, Tom, confirmed his 38-year-old son’s identity to the Mail a week ahead of the Fox News interview scheduled to air on November 11 and 12. The Mail’s report comes two days after the special-forces website SOFREP—and an anonymous Gawker commenter—both claimed that the Navy SEAL was Robert O’Neill.

Skeevy dating coach and human-shaped glob of hair gel Julien Blanc has run into some setbacks in his pickup artist lecture tour of Australia. An online campaign outraged at some of Blanc's pickup methods—like grabbing women's heads and pulling them toward his crotch—convinced at least three hotels to drop out of hosting his seminars.