ITEM: The Onion is for sale!

Diem Brown, a longtime star of MTV's Real World/Road Rules Challenge, has died from complications of cancer. She was 32.

Three people—a man, his wife, and the man's mistress—went on trial in Brazil yesterday after they were arrested in 2012 for allegedly killing women and then baking them into pastries they would eat and sell to neighbors.

The Hills' plastic surgery experiment Heidi Montag, who has otherwise been minding her own business lately, posted a photo of Clearblue's Advanced Digital Ovulation Test (#1 OB-GYN recommended brand) to Instagram yesterday. Does this mean that she and Spencer Pratt are trying to become parents?

Jon Stewart's Rosewater, the directorial debut that took him away from The Daily Show this summer and set the stage for the ascension of John Oliver, is finally out. And, because Stewart wanted to talk about his movie on the show, he recused himself as host and summoned Oliver back to the non-premium cable desk.

It was December 2001. Senior year at Spring High School—the nucleus of a small town called Spring, Texas, two dozen miles north of Houston. Sixteen years old and like other restless suburbanites, I was over-committed to extracurricular activities, spent an unreasonable amount of time with my friends, and my only real concern was how far I could stretch the $1/gallon gas on my middle-grade car.

"Most high" American president Baracks Obama has spent much of his second term flaunting his ability to disrespect this great nation at home and abroad. It seems that "his highness" is even too good to play real American sports any more. More champagne, your excellency?

Alert siren alert: lovable rascal Miley Cyrus has an official new pseudo-Kennedy boyfriend. Arnold Schwarzenegger's son Patrick, 21, brought the pop star under the lights of the L.A. Memorial Coliseum last night to watch his college football game (USC beat Cal 38-30). He also took a selfie of them making out.

Aaron Sorkin's distinctive style of dialogue has been parodied to death. You could even argue he's been parodying himself for years now. So what's Seth Meyers supposed to do with Sorkin as a guest, when Amy Schumer and SNL have already defined the Sorkin-spoof genre?

Ed Haines had no idea he'd ridden the E Train wearing nothing but a pair of cross-trainers and tube socks until he saw himself on the cover of the New York Post.

I have always had a talent for growing ample facial hair, from the time I was in elementary school—when my mother would trim my neck hair before I hopped on the school bus—to my initiation into young Jewish adulthood at my Bar Mitzvah, at which my newly formed mustache made its entrance into the world with a growing pattern similar to a Chia Pet. My facial hair has paved the way to some of my most critical moments in my life, including my recent experience of playing a Palestinian terrorist on the stage of the Metropolitan Opera House in the controversial opera The Death of Klinghoffer.

Well-moisturized Republican David Brooks fancies himself a bit of a social scientist. Not really in the sense of like, doing science. More in the sense of "knowing some guys."

Paul Blart: Mall Cop, the Kevin James vehicle (a Segway, specifically) you bring up frequently as shorthand for unwatchable movies, is getting a sequel. Why? Because America demanded it. Seriously.

Bill Gross, the head of bond firm Pimco, was paid $290 million last year—and then got fired this year! Everybody knows that the financial world is the purest example of pay accruing to winners solely by merit.

Three-year-old Gracie Lynn was eating breakfast with her parents at a Bob Evans in Evansville, Ind. this week when she noticed a man dressed as Santa Claus sitting alone in a booth. Not one to leave the bringer of presents to eat alone, she simply walked over and sat down across from him. Her mother told WFIE that the two talked "like they'd known each other for years." What does this little girl know? And was that the real Santa Claus?

Not until Monday night did it occur to me how badly I wanted to own a shirt that said SAVOR THE FLAVOR. On a free-standing garment rack, wedged between an apron, a black vinyl puffer vest, and several other shirts of sartorial insignificance, there was a bright-red women's v-neck t-shirt demanding that I put a premium on taste.

More and more details about Here Comes Honey Boo Boo matriarch Mama June Shannon's past continue to be unearthed as the mother draws ire for her reported involvement with the convicted sex offender who allegedly molested her daughter. TMZ reports Mama June was prosecuted in 2009 for not paying years of child support for that daughter, Anna "Chickadee" Cardwell.

Police arrested a New Jersey man this week for allegedly hitting a 61-year-old pedestrian with his car and driving 1.5 miles with the victim "halfway through the vehicle's windshield."

In a perfect world, pets would only indulge in weird pet behavior up until the point it stops being cute and starts being annoying. Of course, we don't live in a perfect world, we live in one that's ruled by passions—those of men and paper-flicking cats alike.

According to the Associated Press, jihadi godfathers Al Qaeda and scrappy terror upstarts ISIS have decided to put aside their petty differences and focus on what's really important: making life worse for everyone else.