Gawker Count: Martin O'Malley Clinches Nomination If Everyone Dies and Is Replaced With More Martin O'Malleys

Hudson Hongo · 06/06/16 09:16PM

After a new survey of superdelegates, the Associated Press declared the inevitable Monday evening, naming Hillary Clinton the presumptive Democratic nominee. According to Gawker’s own survey of hypothetical genetic clones of Martin O’Malley, however, the former Maryland Governor will easily win the nomination should all party officials die and be replaced by said clones.

Which Long-Shot, Looney-Tunes California Senate Candidate Should You Vote For?

Kelly Stout · 06/06/16 05:30PM

Tuesday is the California primary, wherein Golden State voters will be asked to pick a replacement for long-beloved and mostly normal outgoing Senator Barbara Boxer. With the primary comes the Official Voter Information Guide and Candidate Statements, which is a perennially fun read, since California primary candidates are among our nation’s weirdest. (Starchild is one candidate for public office in California that only mid-aughts kids with an interest in municipal politics will remember.)

Some Highlights From the Insane New Report About the Big-Dicked Murderer's Prison Break

Andy Cush · 06/06/16 04:55PM

It was exactly one year and one day ago that Richard Matt, the big-dicked murderer, may god rest his soul, escaped from Clinton Correctional Facility alongside his friend David Sweat, the murderer whose dick is of indeterminate size, pictured above. According to a scathing report state investigators released to mark the anniversary, Clinton guards made the two men’s escape much easier than it should have been.

It Is Frankly Unbelievable That You Ingrates Haven't Thanked the Mayor for Not Being Dead

Brendan O'Connor · 06/06/16 04:15PM

In a meeting last week described by one staffer as “the most depressing pep talk,” Bill de Blasio, New York City’s beleaguered mayor, asked members of his administration to keep the faith amid proliferating controversies. “He told us that no one is going to thank him for ‘not being dead,’” the staffer told Gothamist, “because the homicide rate is down and Vision Zero is working.”

How Scared Should You Be of a Chinese Financial Meltdown? 

Hamilton Nolan · 06/06/16 03:55PM

You may be a busy person, but it is important to keep up-to-date on the most current threats to the stability of the global economy, which could plunge us all into poverty and despair. Speaking of that, is China poised for a disaster of hideous proportions?

Donald Trump Is Still Getting That $304 Middle-Class Tax Break

Brendan O'Connor · 06/06/16 01:20PM

In March, Crain’s New York reported that Donald Trump has, for the past three years, received a tax credit intended for New York City families who have an income under $500,000. Both the city and the Trump campaign agreed that a mistake had been made, although nobody could explain what had actually happened. In any case, whatever the mistake was, it hasn’t yet been rectified, because Trump’s most recent property tax bill shows that he’s still receiving the $304 credit.