Hey dummy, what do you do with trash? Let it sit around, I bet. Think about throwing it away, get up to get a drink, forget to throw it away. Stuff it in your pocket. You stupid idiot. This elephant—not even a human—knows exactly what to do with it:

A robust 8-1 majority of the Supreme Court ruled today that, contrary to folk belief, ignorance of the law is a perfectly good excuse—as long as it's a cop who's claiming ignorance. The case, Heien v. North Carolina, dealt with a car owner who ended up charged with cocaine trafficking after a police officer, who thought the driver looked "nervous," followed the car and stopped it because it had only one working brake light.

You may have read The New York Times’ profile of Charles C. Johnson, the worst journalist on the internet. You also may have seen several very elaborate, very unbelievable, and very gross rumors about Johnson’s past misdeeds floating around Twitter and Facebook. So maybe you’re wondering: Which of those rumors are real?

At least nine women in Tennessee have been arrested under a harsh new law against drug use by pregnant women that "handcuffs new mothers upon delivery."

Six people are reportedly dead after a man went on a shooting rampage near Philadelphia early Monday morning. Police say the man, who is still at large, killed his ex-wife and other family members in three locations throughout Montgomery County, Pa.

Daniel Kim hasn't been creating year-end pop music mashups for as long as Earworm—the reigning king since 2007 with his United State of Pop series—but this may be the year his Pop Danthologies claim the year-in-review remix crown.

In August, we began collecting stories from New Yorkers who were subject to harassment by the NYPD. With the recent decision not to indict Officer Dan Pantaleo in the death of Eric Garner, Gawker remains committed to exposing the NYPD's notorious history of abuse. Email me at jason.parham@gawker.com with your story.

The American Energy Alliance is a pro-corporate right wing lobbying group funded by the Koch brothers. They also put out hilarious cartoons. Here's one comparing environmental regulations to the CIA's brutal torture of detainees.

Cool Pope strikes again: Today, between riding bombing through Vatican City on his longboard and proclaiming that hell yeah the gay tadpole you flushed down the toilet is getting into heaven, the Catholic God's representative on Earth asked the U.S. to please, please do something about Gitmo.

Famous blonde actress Scarlett Johansson was featured as one of Barbara Walters's Most Fascinating People last night, because who cares, why not? In the interview, however, Johansson revealed that one thing about her is decidedly not fascinating: her flesh and blood.

The Philippine government filed murder charges against Marine Pfc. Joseph Scott Pemberton this week. Pemberton is accused of having killed Jennifer Laude, a trans woman also known as Jeffrey, who was found on a hotel room's toilet with a broken neck.

Canadian industrial band Skinny Puppy has sent the U.S. Department of Defense an invoice for $666,000 (the fee structure of the beast) for using its songs as the aural equivalent of waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay, keyboardist cEvin Key told CTV.

After three years of incubation, a human has emerged from Hayden Panettiere's country-western womb. The human, a woman, has been dubbed "Kaya."

Justin Bieber posted the photo above on Instagram early this morning, which features him "choking" Chris Brown against a wall. "Had fun with the homey @chrisbrownofficial," Bieber writes, and he probably did! Lots of laughs. It looks like the two enjoyed a sushi date before play-fighting.

In the midst of a hostage situation in downtown Sydney, Australia, Ayn Rand's favorite car service, Uber, turned on its wildly expensive surge pricing for customers trying to get away from the armed siege. And lest you think this was the fault of an insensitive algorithm that detected high demand, the company tweeted that it was aware of the attack and had raised prices for the fleeing people's own good.

Remember how Barbara Walters was supposed to retire, and then she was like, "No I'm retiring from The View," and then she showed up on that show several more times? I just want you to consider the source of this information first.

The American economy is booming, for the most part! That means that it is constantly a good time to worry about which part of the economy will collapse first. Today: shitty bonds?

[UPDATE 12/16/14 9:22 a.m.]: As of late Monday evening, it was confirmed by the New York Observer that Mohammed Islam, alleged genius teen who had supposedly amassed $72 million by trading stocks, was actually a penniless liar who magnificently rolled everyone. "It's a total fiction?" Islam was asked. "Yes." Teens—still fucking everything up. The original fabricated story, below.

Two people are reportedly dead and three more are reportedly in serious condition after heavily-armed police stormed the Lindt Cafe in Sydney this morning. Just before the raid, several more hostages fled the cafe, where they'd been held by a gunman—identified as Man Haron Monis, a self-proclaimed cleric—for more than 16 hours. Police have confirmed that the siege is now over, though they have not yet confirmed any casualties or injuries.