There's a "Steven P Jobs" on Facebook. But it's not Apple's CEO. How can I tell? The biographical details, which anyone can get from Wikipedia, are all correct. But the "About Me" section is a dead giveaway.It reads, "Have a passion for really great products!" The exclamation point kills it for me. Add to that: He's not even in Facebook's Apple network. His wife, Laurene Powell-Jobs, and his daughter Lisa Brennan-Jobs both have Facebook profiles, and they aren't on his friends list. Sadly, 75 Apple employees, drawn to any electronic hint of their cult leader, are. I'm left wishing Dan Lyons had been the one to pull this stunt. The original Fake Steve Jobs would have made this Facebook page so convincing I would have believed it. And gladly.

Do you ever get so weirdly and inappropriately paranoid about some half-true totes false rumor that probably has no relation to anything that you kill someone? Like a commenter maybe? Sorry. You're restored.

We thought every marriage had a graphically worded pact to spell out its sexual and emotional tenets, but apparently our families are in the minority with Madonna and Guy Ritchie. The authorities at The Sun today make quite a bit of the busted-up duo's "marriage contract," a list reportedly pinned around their residences lest Guy ever forget his responsibilities in the relationship — and putting down the toilet seat was the least of them.Beyond joining Madonna for regular Kabbalah studies, working "to enrich his wife's emotional [...] well-being," and agreeing to resolve conflicts with the easy-to-remember surrender edict, "I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this," Ritchie is said to have faced even more formidable terms in the bedroom:

At Microsoft's Professional Developers Conference in Los Angeles today, Rick Rashid, the head of Microsoft Research, reminded the audience that he helped write the Mach kernel 25 years ago. That piece of code is now at the core of Apple's OS X, the operating system which runs both the Mac and the IPhone. What he should be asking: Why didn't his employer think of that? (Photo by Ina Fried/CNET News)

The two-hour premiere of the new season of 24 is about to hit the internet in advance of the show's premiere next month. A mere 16 month after the show's last season ended, 24's producers have tried to silence complaints about haphazard plotting and unbelievable Deus ex machinas by plotting out the show's entire season in advance for the first time. Bauer's ceaseless torturing of his enemies will get a new setting this season, and Republican fans of the show about to lose a president will still have Jack Bauer, the last remaining relic of the Bush years.At the beginning of the recently released second trailer, Jack's torturous methods are questioned in court by the dad from That '70s Show, for some reason. "Don't expect me to regret the decisions I made," Jack tells the judge. All you can think is: did the conservative leaning series really have to return after an 18 month layoff with an apologia for the Bush-Cheney administration?

Wenner Media, publisher of Rolling Stone and Us, laid off half a dozen people this week, mostly on the marketing side. But we hear editorial layoffs at Wenner are coming down on Friday. Anyone with more info can email us.

At VentureBeat’s Downturn Roundtable event this morning, Kleiner Perkins’ John Doerr just gave a rundown of the top 10 things startups should be doing right now to keep their companies afloat in hard times.

We've learned of legal troubles befalling the House of Pullman—that's Bill Pullman, to be exact, former U.S. President during our darkest alien-invading hour—involving his son Jack, who was arrested Monday in North Carolina for "allegedly possessing moonshine and assaulting a government official." Witnesses say the three Xs on the jug Pullman was buzzing into while his friend plucked a washtub bass offered the first indications that illicit, home-distilling activities were afoot.The chilling mugshot above reveals the wild hair-frizzing and pout-paralysis that are the most common physical side effects from abusing rotgut. For heaven's sake, just say no to white lightning: It's destroying the fabric of America. [Photo credit: Asheville Police / Splash News Online]

♦ Armani has signed Victoria Beckham to appear in the new campaign for Emporio Armani underwear. You'll have to wait until spring '09 to see the Mert and Marcus-shot ads. [WWD]
♦ He's not crazy, he's just, uh, spiritual: Elton John apparently only eats off Versace crockery because he believes "the designer's spirit lives in every plate." [NYP via Racked]
♦ Narciso Rodriguez doesn't talk about his recent split with Liz Claiborne, but he does share a bit about his forthcoming book which will be published by Rizzoli later this month. [stylefile]
♦ Finally! Nicole Richie's jewelry line is now on sale. [The Cut]

"When my wife switches, then you'll know," says Motorola co-CEO Sanjay Jha, whose spouse carries an LG Voyager and refuses to trade it for a Moto. Mrs. Steve Jobs? She carries an iPhone. The company is cutting back from six operating systems to three: Windows Mobile, Moto's own P2K, and Google's open-source Android. Oh, and they're going to lay off a few thousand more people, too. Tough times, tough decisions!

And you thought the collapsing economy was only good news for repo men and cardiac surgeons. Not only do Donald and Ivanka Trump not appear too concerned with the global financial crisis, they're both looking forward to profiting from the greatest economic misfortune in American history. Real estate prices have never been cheaper, says Donald, and everyone at the Trump Organization is "excited" because now is a "great time" to be in business, explains Ivanka. Oh, also? The queen of microwavable office lunches says her dad totally predicted this whole thing was going to go down, like, two years ago. What about the mammoth mess at the Trump hotel in Chicago? That didn't come up in the conversation for some strange reason! [YouTube via Jewssip]

I'm a liar. So are you. The funny part is, we all know it. A new study by Cisco just confirms it. The 10-word version: "Everyone breaks published security policy to get their job done." None of this is a surprise to your IT department. We long for the day we can punish problem users for violating the pages of acceptable-use policies they signed but never read their first day on the job. Please, please, please just let us ban one guy from the network — pour encourager les autres, as Voltaire said.

♦ Frank Bruni rather appropriately surveys two "affordable" sushi spots in the Times today. Both Sushi Azabu and Kanoyama get one star apiece, but it's the latter that ultimately wins out: "The breadth of this restaurant's fish selection is thrilling." [NYT]
♦ Stephane Dorian's long-awaited 10 Downing is finally opening tonight for friends and family. It'll open up for everyone else in the next two weeks. [Insatiable Critic via GS]
♦ Is Todd English planning to open a restaurant at 325 Bowery? [Zagat]

Do you know who Faith Popcorn is? If not, consider yourself 2.4% wiser. She's a professional "futurist"—essentially, a lady who's learned how to milk money out of corporate CEOs by telling them about "trends" that she's spotted. Like her spiritual cousins, the "brand consultants," she has created an entire bullshit industry out of thin air, and become rich. Cheers to her. So anyhow, wanna know Faith Popcorn's latest important trend? Yea, it's smoking dope and traveling through space on the internet:

London Calling: When Russell Brand talked to us about the premium the British place on good manners, he clearly wasn't kidding. Brand has now been forced to quit his BBC radio show for a nigh-impenetrable scandal involving the waiter from Fawlty Towers and some ribald voicemails. The version you've put together in your head is likely easier to follow than what transpired in real life, but at least the BBC provides an impressively detailed timeline of the matter. We're still waiting for a rebuttal from Jordin Sparks to help us make sense of it all. [BBC]

Two whole years have hurried their way by since last we saw "scandalous" images of Rose Kennedy Schlossberg, daughter of Caroline Kennedy and granddaughter of John Fitzgerald. Back in 2006, our former sister site Wonkette posted wine 'n hookah partaking photos of the then-18, Obama-supporting Harvard student (hello, past Pareene!) Now, in the still of the afternoon, someone has sent us more photos, from sources unknown! In which the heiress to the great mantle of the American Democratic Party gets jiggy in various poses! Some are dated from two years ago, others are not dated at all. Cobble together your own timeline, as we've gone against Luke Russert's wishes and posted a gallery after the jump.

7,535 sq. ft. 7 bd/6.5 ba. 3-car gar. Wet bar. Wine cellar. MUST SELL NOW. Okay, that last bit isn't part of the listing for Tom Perkins's palatial home in Belvedere, across the Golden Gate from San Francisco. But the fact that Perkins wants to sell his house, in this real-estate market, is disturbing. He is one of the founders of Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers, and is fabulously wealthy. He has already started hawking his $187 million megayacht, the Maltese Falcon. What this looks like: Perkins is liquidating his worldly possessions. Let's assume he's not doing this because of financial straits. The only alternative conclusion: Perkins thinks he should sell now, before things get much, much worse.

· The End of Ideas: It's Time to Redo Hellraiser Edition. French horror director Pascal Laugier is in final negotiations to direct a "re-imagining of Hellraiser" for Dimension. Laugier reassured Cliver Barker fans that he "would never betray what [Barker] has done," and to look forward to a mostly faithful adaptation starring a new icon of horror, Velcroface. [THR] · Barry Diller will vote YES on Obama, and NO on Prop 16, an initiative titled Eliminates Right of Media Moguls to Carry On Marriages of Convenience with Noted Fashion Designers. [THR] · Robert Downey Jr. has agreed to star as Tony Stark in the next two Iron Mans and The Avengers, the last of which is scheduled for release on July 15, 2011, aka International Fanboy Pants-Crapping Day. [Variety] After the jump: Vince Vaughn is ready to tackle his most dramatic role since Norman Bates.· Sony reported a 72% profit drop, a loss attributed to the weakening U.S. dollar and [Variety] · Vince Vaughn will star in Sunny and 68, from Pride and Glory writer/director Gavin O'Connor, a "drama with comedic undertones" about a guy who goes to his childhood home a bottomed-out poker champion, but emerges a man. [Variety]

Dylan Lauren celebrated the re-launch of Dylan's Candy Bar on Monday night with a bash at her Third Avenue store. In addition to siblings Andrew and David and mom Ricky, guests included Woody Allen and Soon-Yi (with their kids), Ivanka Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and wife Vanessa Trump, Lauren Bush, Dan Abrams, Olivia Palermo, Katie Lee Joel, Rachel Roy, Fabiola Beracasa, Stacey Bendet, Eric Villency, Jamee Gregory, Bettina Zilkha, Amy Sacco, Thom Filicia, Dori Cooperman, Ingrid Sischy, Dave Zinczenko, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Karen Duffy, Kira Plastinina, Jason Biggs, Tyson Beckford, and fraudster Tatiana Boncompagni. [PMc, NYO, Wireimage, GoaG]

Have you ever phone-banked? It's pretty dull, even if you are helping people help themselves by voting FOR CHANGE. Have you tried drinking while making cold calls for Obama? The election is nigh; clearly Obama's army is overworked, overtired, and inebriated. (Click for the sound clip, via Mac Daddy World.)(Speaking of Obama's campaign workers: we know you're out there, canvassing in the flyover states. Any tales from the front lines? Is there a hott Obama-worker hookup scene? Tell us at tips@gawker.com.)