Did you get cancer recently? You did? Uh... sorry. I'm very sorry. I thought you were going to say "no." Jesus. Uh... take heart in your many fellow Americans who have not gotten cancer recently—thanks to science, etc!

Wow! It is amazing how many Gawker readers went to middle and high school and have the yearbook photos to prove it. Thank you for sharing your celebrity yearbook photos with us, except for those of you who just posted the Wikipedia lists of famous people who went to your high school. That was really lame.

The online attack against Sony Pictures might slowly be cooling off, but The Intercept reports that feds are still urging vigilance: in particular, one news organization might be the hackers' next target.

Washington, D.C. police were forced to apologize to Karen Robinson after erroneously identifying her son Raymond as having been shot and killed in a shootout with cops. Officers knocked on her door at 2 a.m. Christmas Day to deliver the bad news that wasn't hers.

Half-chicken half-pork Mexican chain Chipotle has apologized to the New York Police Department for "a wayward employee who mocked officers," an "employee's anti-cop protest," or "a worker's 'hands up, don't shoot' protest," depending on where you get your news.

Outgoing Maryland governor Martin O'Malley has commuted the death sentences of the state's last four death row inmates. One more crack in the wall.

Although Walmart now controls "more than a fifth of all grocery sales" in Mexico, there is still room to expand. Aren't there some poor small local merchants still left to be put out of business?

In a deeply concerning interview with Harper's Bazaar UK out today, inflated Chia seed Gwyneth Paltrow works through some complicated feelings about her "conscious uncoupling" from rock dad Chris Martin. "There are times when I think it would have been better if we had stayed married," she says.

It's been weeks since the unprecedented Sony hack was first made public, and still no one—not the FBI, or the White House, or Santa Claus—has publicly provided solid evidence that North Korea was behind the attack. But if not Pyongyang—who? One team of computer security experts has a compelling counter-theory: Sony was attacked by its own people.

It always sucks to pull your car into a gas station with the cap side accidentally facing away from the pump, but everyone's done it, and it's not hard to sympathize. Three times, though? How does that even happen?

How do you properly measure the substance of a year? Time spent with family? The amount of retweets you've garnered on Twitter? Or perhaps the hours you've wasted watching trash TV? Comebacks, for me, are the true measure of a year—stories about resilience and drive and hard work. Here, before we say goodbye to 2014, the year's best comebacks.

The U.S. released five men who have been detained at Guantanamo Bay for a dozen years without trial, transferring them to Kazakhstan for resettlement.

A big surprise today, a shock, a dark horse galloping from nowhere to win the championship: the New York Times declares that "The Super-Short Workout" is the "fitness trend" of 2014. A trend that they invented!

Original Teen Mom™ and Britney's kid sister Jamie Lynn Spears has seen some shit in her 23 years, which is perhaps why she was able to allegedly shut down a violent brawl at a sandwich shop last weekend by pulling a huge knife.

Thirteen-year-old Malik Bryant lives on Chicago's south side, in the high-crime Englewood neighborhood. In his letter to Santa this year, Malik has only one request: "All I ask for is for safety. I just wanna be safe."

Using sonar imagery, Indonesian officials say they have located what may be the wreckage of AirAsia flight QZ8501, The Wall Street Journal reports.

Yay! You got there! After all those hours on the road you've made it to a taping of The Price is Right!

Last week, a heart-warming social experiment video hit the web, showing a "secretly filmed" homeless man using an unexpected gift of $100 to buy food for others. Since then, the almost too-perfect clip has been featured everywhere from the L.A. Times to Upworthy and generated over $130,000 on a donation page managed by the video's uploader, YouTube personality Josh Paler Lin.

On Tuesday, the account for 19th-century opinion program Fox & Friends asked Twitter users what stuff from 2014 they were "over," kicking things off with the above (apparently un-ironic) image and the hashtag #OverIt2014. It went about as well as you'd expect.

Police in Edmonton, Alberta have confirmed the deaths of eight victims, including two children, across two crime scenes in the city's worst multiple homicide since 1956. A "suicidal male" sought in connection with the murders was found dead at a third location.