New York Post theater columnist Michael Riedel loves to twist the knife into a failing production, and this morning he can't help himself. The staged failure in question is an irrelevant, overpriced disaster that struggles along slowly where its competition surges on. This horrorshow is the dramatic plight of the newspaper theater critic, a production that should have themes that resonate with Riedel's job status, but the controversial Broadway observer doesn't see the irony in writing trend pieces that might leave him unemployed. Does the world really need Ben Brantley (left), or Michael Riedel, for that matter?Critics are taking buyouts right and left, with the The Star-Ledger parting ways with two longtime writers who reviewed for more than a decade in their pages. The financial climate for new productions is one reason for cutbacks, but there's just not much need for a critic when bloggers have the attention of the industry. "Most people can't tell the difference between Wayman Wong [a blogger] and Ben Brantley. And, frankly, I'd rather read Wayman," a producer tells Riedel. It's not just the cutbacks, it's the brutal humiliation they've suffered in having to do the job:

The early returns on the new Bond flick Quantum of Solace before its Nov. 14 release date have been mixed, with critics describing, for better or worse, a movie that consists entirely of a never-ending sequence of exciting violence in the air, land and sea. While Daniel Craig's debut as the British agent in Casino Royale was well-regarded, the agent is now more than a musculed projectile hurting forwards through different exotic locales than a crafty secret agent. In the pages of Playboy, Craig speculates on Bond's development into an inhuman automaton.Like most people, we have fond memories of the old James Bond. This Bond is not your mother's Bond, however, and he's probably not even your slightly older sister's Bond. Critics have described the new Bond as a more built Jason Bourne, and while that's not going to hurt box office, it certainly constitutes a different bond than the suave, charming Sean Connery and Roger Moore. From Daniel Craig's interview in this month's Playboy we learn the blame for the new, silent Bond falls on another powerful secret agent. When Craig is asked why Ian Fleming's hilarious double entendres have disappeared, he names the villain:

· Hurry! Time is running out to decide your Defamer-brand Halloween costume: Is it The Maverick? The Icon? The Aberration? The Dreamer? The Rebel? Or are you and your bearish twin pairing up as Visionaries? · We didn't believe it at first either, but Joaquin Phoenix is "nooommmf deadserious" about quitting acting. · Now that Amy Poehler's out at Saturday Night Live, welcome her equally riotous replacement, Coldplay. · Just when we thought New York offered the most touching sentiments regarding last weekend's horrible Jennifer Hudson family tragedy, along came The Back-Up. · Which celebrity TV doctor went looking for a wife on Craigslist? And when he finds her, how long will it be before she demands a Michael Phelps rental? · DreamWorks said goodbye to David Geffen, the LA Times said goodbye to Carina Chocano, Dancing With the Stars said goodbye to Cloris Leachman, and everyone said goodbye to Estelle Reiner. · Every major network but ABC aired the boring-ass 'The Barack Obama Show,' but we're sure that episode of Pushing Daisies was worth it. · Which was the better meme: "Contract, Guy, contract," or "Google me, you dumb fuck?" · Now that Zac Efron has the No. 1 movie in America, there's no Footloose remake or shower-photo scandal too big for him to take on. · Lauren Conrad more than made up for Hills castmate Audrina Patridge's sudden, shocking lack of visibility. · Oscar season is upon us, if Disney's new Wall-E campaign and this week's Milk highs and lows are any indication. · A hot zombie actress is terrifying, but nothing compares to the horror of moonshineface. · The ladies at The View may still hate each other, but that won't keep them from a Happy Halloween. Follow their example — have a good weekend, everybody!

We Know How She Feels. We must bid a sad farewell, ladies and gentleman, to the mastermind behind A Call to the Bullpen, Douglas Reinhardt. Today was his last day. As you all know, Doug's talent for pairing celebrity photos with hilarious headlines and vividly imagined scenarios from a slightly askew imagination made for some classic moments on Defamer. There were many, but we'll always have a place in our heart for this one. We wish him the best of luck, and invite you to browse through his archives by clicking here. [A Call To The Bullpen]

· It's The Office Joker-off! Creed wins. Shivverrrrr... · We mentioned the Today Show's fairytale costumes this morning, but you really need to watch the whole Matthew Broderick-narrated introduction (a marketing tie-in for The Tale Of Despereaux) to appreciate how exquisitely awkward and unsettling the whole thing was. Stick around for Kathy Lee's diva-fit over being forced into a fur suit to play the Wolf. (We think that's a fur suit.) Then click here to see a dog hungrily investigate Al Roker's blue crotch button. · The Sword celebrates the guy-in-a-bear-suit-blowing-a-guy-in-a-tux scene from The Shining (or as they call it around Defamer HQ, Tuesday), and nine other "homo-oriented horror flicks." · Somehow this costume ended up on a list of Worst Halloween Costumes Ever. Perhaps this list was compiled in Bizarro World, where the "worst" is actually totally kick-ass. You want bad? We'll give you bad. (Though an A for execution.) · OK, this isn't Halloweenish, per se, but here's the cover and song listing of Britney Spears's new album, Circus. Pay special attention to track #9, "Mmm Papi." We smell a hit.

It's a very happy Halloween for five of our commenters, whose grace, wit, and snark under pressure will be rewarded in a cash prize of valuable Sherri Shepherd currency (not accepted at most U.S. retail locations). Congratulations! Now, on to the Comments of the Week: · YahooUnserious on Courtenay Semel's Stirring New Catchphrase: 'Google Me, You Dumb Fuck': "Yahoo! Me" is something she only says to other girls. · Wrapitup on As Ronald Reagan on 'The View,' Elisabeth Just Says No To Joy Behar: Going butch and brunette suits Hasselbeck so much better. She looks like an adorable Puerto Rican twink.· NoWireHangers on Gay Men And 13-Year-Old Girls Unite In Protest Against Cut Zac Efron Shower Scene: Based on Zac's arm motions, it appears the song was "Y-M-C-A." · Tiger_Tanaka on Arrest Of Bill Pullman's Son Reveals The Ravages Of Moonshineface: I'd be upset too if my werewolf transformation was interrupted. · mwynn13 on Here's Joe Francis Bashing Lindsay Lohan's Girlfriend, Samantha 'Rosnan': I thought he generally approved of the path of young ladies pretending to be gay. Nice work, Top Five. For the rest of you on this fine holiday: here's a toothbrush.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Popular TV doc Katherine Heigl nearly passed out on the red carpet after catching a whiff of her beloved pooch’s breath. Heigl knew her dog’s breath was going to be rather intense, but she obviously underestimated the strength of it. Heigl said, “Looks like we’ll have to up Ronaldo’s brushings to five times a day like his mommy.” Heigl also mentioned she will most likely introduce an intensive program similar to the program she introduced to break rocker husband Joshua Kelley of his bad single-man habits. Heigl added, “It took two weeks, but he learned to love sitting down while going pee.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

In theory, Fondue's two BlackBerrys will reset from Daylight Savings Time back to PST automatically this Sunday. In practice, she'll be sorry she ate the manual. Ah, if only we, too, were Jason Calacanis's bitch. The CEO of Mahalo, a bluster-powered search engine, treats his dogs better than his employees. Will Facebook join Mahalo in laying people off?Not if CFO Gideon Yu returns from the Middle East with a fistful of petrodollars. In New York, Googlers' stomachs now rumble as snacks get cut back. Tesla Motors, the electric carmaker, is feeling starved, too — of cash. It's down to its last $9 million, with only vague promises that investors will pony up more. Scary! Don a mask and put a fright in someone else for a change.(Photo by Jason Calacanis)

[Hey, Kreepie Kat fans! Today we have a special message from Barry Obama, on behalf of two very kreepie kandidates. We are the kats we've been waiting for!] Click to view

So maybe you did your partying last night, or that movie brat costume didn't come together. Open all your candy up in a bowl, grab a fork and order in some insulin. WATCH Gangland [9 PM, History Channel] - Learn about some of America's most notorious gangs through frightening interviews with former, present and incarcerated gang members (blurred faces, distorted voices), stock footage and ultra-serious narration. We declined to be interviewed for this episode, as our gang concentrates more on trying new flavors of Ben & Jerry's than brutal intimidation tactics and proliferating fear. But we're working up to those things.

Commenter imag had a trenchant take on why Elon Musk's Tesla Motors is running short of cash:

You Got It, Dude? Have you ever wondered who among modern Hollywood's stars could hold a pastie to the scantily-clad pinup models of the forties and fifties? Photographer Timothy White has, and for his new book, Hollywood Pinups, he recreated those bygone poses with stars including, uh, Full House star/avowed Spencer Pratt hater Mary-Kate Olsen. Bob Saget, avert your eyes; we have a feeling this one is going to give Gilbert Gottfried a lot of material. Click through for full-size. [Amazon]

After flight attendants called passengers "chavs" — British slang for rude louts — and criticized the airline's safety practices on Facebook, Virgin Atlantic fired 13 of them. See? Facebook layoffs! [BBC News]

No one does Halloween like L.A. Here's what's to do: · Director Edgar Wright will host a double-feature at the New Beverly, including a screening of his own Shaun of the Dead, and Riki Oh: The Story of Ricky, plus the uncut version of Don't, Wright's Grindhouse trailer. · D.A.N.C.E. on H.A.L.L.O.W.E.E.N.: The West Coast premiere of Justice musical doc A Cross The Universe is at The Montalbán. The band will be there! · And then they'll be at Hard Haunted Mansion, accompanied by Soulwax, Boys Noize, DJ AM (yes!), and Simian Mobile Disco. It's sold out, but they didn't say positively. · Have a severe panic attack at the annual WeHo Halloween Carnival. Chelsea Handler will be crowned the Queen.· Cypress Hill host Haunted Hill at The Wiltern. · Avalon's End Of The World Halloween Weekend has Mickey Avalon, James Zabiela and Damian Lazarus · The Dusk-to-Dawn Horrorthon features splattery chills all night at the Egyptian. Santa Sangre, Pieces, Scream...And Die!, and more! · For comedy lovers, Killgore at the UCB Theater is the "bloodiest, goriest, messiest show UCBTLA has ever seen! The first two rows of seats will be given plastic sheeting to avoid being spattered with blood!" Awesome. · Echo Park Time Travel Mart, aka the 826LA storefront, presents A Very Special Halloween Dead Author Reading. · Halloween Silent Movie with Clark Wilson: Phantom of the Opera features live accompaniment to the 1925 classic by Clark Wilson on Disney Hall's giant McDonald's french fry serving organ. · "Horror-rock kingpin" Roky Erickson hosts Night of the Vampire at the El Rey. · Echoplex hosts the Bondage Ball fetish gala.

Got plans for Halloween? Some of the best parties have already happened, Flickr's photo streams tell me. This military pair had a gay old time in the Castro at Booty Call. Don't try heading to San Francisco's queerest part of town tonight, though; the City is still obstinately trying to ban Halloween from the neighborhood. Can you think of a better caption? Leave it in the comments. The best one will become the post's new headline. Yesterday's winner: WagCurious, for "Pirates of Silicon Valley." (Photo by Kevin Goebel)

The MPAA ratings system tomorrow celebrates its 40th birthday — four full decades of tormenting filmmakers, distributors and, ultimately, audiences with an inconsistent moral code symbolized by those infamous G, PG, PG-13, R and NC-17 ratings. In an interview published Thursday in Time, MPAA chief Dan Glickman and ratings board chair Joan Graves reflected warmly on the system's evolution over the years; and while we agree that Hollywood's self-governance is preferable to the zealotry of the Hays Code and other puritanical watchdogs who preceded it, Graves and Co. remain the city's worst censors by any other name. So join us after the jump to commemorate the MPAA's milestone with a look back at 40 decisions affirming its less-than-inspiring legacy. Unhappy 40th, everyone![In no particular order] · The Thomas Crown Affair: The 1968 original was rated R simply for its suggestive chess match between Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway. · The Panic in Needle Park: An early, ugly example of the MPAA's screenplay-vetting process talked up by Graves last summer. The 1971 Al Pacino starrer had its script rated X before going into production; the filmmakers revised drug-addiction and sexuality plot points to earn an R for the finished film. Pure censorship, and a process that continues to this day.

In exchange for his late-to-the-party endorsement of Barack Obama, Google CEO Eric Schmidt got a spot on Obama's prime-time infomercial last night. Note how Schmidt explains his decision, made only after Obama took a substantial lead in the polls: "When I read his economic plan and saw the people endorsing it, Warren Buffett, I thought, 'This is the right plan for America.'" In other words, Schmidt didn't endorse Obama until he saw it was popular with the right people, and might help Google get its search deal with Yahoo passed under an Obama administration. Brave! We still don't think you'll get that government job, Eric.

McCain daughter Meghan: she blogs, she's threatened to get a tattoo, and now she's declaring herself punk as fuck when asked about her friendship with Linda Ramone, wife of Johnny from the Ramones—the band whose punk-rock ethics were offset by some of its members' kneejerk Queens-bred working class Republicanism.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Malibu quickly turned into Coolsville, as soon as the world’s number one cool guy John Cusack returned from a stint up in the great white north. One Malibu resident was excited about Cusack’s return to the sleepy beach city. The resident said, “It’s not that we lost our cool status. It’s just we weren’t as cool as we usually are. Now with Mr. Coolsack back in town, we’re about cool as a polar bear. Boosh!” [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Forbes.com, the online arm of the right-wing business magazine, is offering to pay blogs to run a political ad supporting a ban on gay marriage. The price: $2.85 per thousand pageviews. The ad advocates the passage of Proposition 8, a California ballot initiative. The blogs in question are part of Forbes's Business and Financial Blog Network, an online-ad network which places ads sold by Forbes salespeople on independent sites. The network itself is run by Adify, an ad-technology company now owned by Cox, the media-and-cable-TV conglomerate. The ad won't run automatically, according to an email from Sharon Gitelle, who's listed on Forbes.com as a "membership" contact; bloggers must specifically choose it. Politics aside, a $2.85 CPM, or cost per thousand pageviews, is nothing to sneeze at in these tough economic times. Reached on the phone, Gitelle said, "I'm not talking to Valleywag." So we know this much: She's no dummy! Here's the email she sent: