'Arrrhh Gimme Your iPod'

McCluskey and Miller · 11/05/08 06:53PM

After last night's electoral catharsis, we unfortunately have to return to reality and a world full of malicious pirates and Jay Mohr sitcoms. WATCH Vanguard [10 PM, Current TV] - In this week's episode of Current's best documentary series, Kaj Larsen searches for modern day pirates in the Strait of Malacca. Larsen speaks to sailors who have been attacked and interviews pirate trackers who watch over one of the most important shipping lanes in the world. It's because of reports like this that we will never take a cruise. One minute you're sipping a Mai Tai, the next someone is screaming at you in Tagalog and kidnapping your bond company rep.

Williamsburg Hipsters Had It Coming in Clash with Cops

Sheila · 11/05/08 06:40PM

We were so close to making it through a whole day believing that the pure joy of Obama's win had redeemed hipsters. That spontaneous post-election street celebration amongst Williamsburg's creative-class was both bad-ass and beautiful. Until the cops inevitably showed up. After all, the streets were completely blocked with people. In places like Harlem, Union Square and the East Village, clearing intersections seems to have gone pretty peacefully. But we've been getting shocked reports all day — police brutality against white kids! — and Brooklyn Vegan posted a comprehensive photo gallery of the festivities, including the copster-on-hipster clashes.One breathless account: "A few minutes after the riot cops rolled in, I saw one cop break a beer bottle on the ground with his baton for no reason at all amidst all the positive energy and celebrating crowd. I assumed for intimidation purposes." (Uh, how about for open-container-law purposes?) This is a perfect example of hipster overreach—you see, they deserve to block traffic in one of the densest cities on earth! We're all for reclaiming the streets—punk rock!—but the shock and indignation over some arrests only adds to the stereotype of the massive self-entitlement these relatively privileged young transplants possess. Brooklyn Vegan's commenters pretty much agreed:

Windows 3.0 finally dead

Paul Boutin · 11/05/08 06:40PM

Microsoft has discontinued licensing for Windows 3.x, the first version of the hated OS to come anywhere near rivaling a Mac. The 1990-era operating system was still in use as "embedded" software in cash registers and ticketing systems. Call me nostalgic, but I miss the limited functionality of those old systems. Now, when I go to buy my triple espresso at Whole Foods in the morning, I'm forced to navigate a colorful, cheery point-of-sale machine that says "Welcome to Whole Foods" and then sits there, because it didn't occur to some programmer to make it say, "Slide your card already, cowboy, you're holding up the line." (Screenshot by Willy Hoops)

Larry Flynt Shares His Hope For a Jugs-Friendly Obama Administration

Kyle Buchanan · 11/05/08 06:33PM

We know, we know: as you've read through our raft of election-related stories, your anxiety mounted as the pressing question, "But what does Larry Flynt think about all this?" remained unanswered. Now, though, you can relax, as an email has landed in our inbox entitled, "HUSTLER Publisher Larry Flynt’s Statement On Obama Election." The pornographer's missive was surprisingly well-written and earnest, but only Defamer has the original, revision-heavy first draft:

Vudu CEO to spend more time with his lovely wife

Paul Boutin · 11/05/08 06:20PM

Vudu, which makes a nifty little set-top box that no one is buying, beat the rush by laying off employees in August. Today, an alert tipster notes that CEO Mark Jung has disappeared from the company's management page. Jung's LinkedIn profile has also been updated, putting Vudu in past tense. San Francisco's 7x7 magazine scored this shot of Jung with Mrs. Jung at a fundraiser in May. The boss wants me to draw some big conclusion here. I think it's: Go to the party. You can always work yourself to death when Web 3.0 comes around.

STV · 11/05/08 06:10PM

My Dad Cut Me Off, You Dumb Fuck: Courtenay Semel's turbulent path from press line to welfare line picked up speed this week when her father, former Warner Bros. and Yahoo! boss Terry Semel, reportedly yanked the cash underwriting her lavish, bisexual, epithet-spewing, security guard-thwacking lifestyle. Courtenay is now said to be "freaking out" and looking into reality-show alternatives. We think we have just the series for her, if she doesn't mind getting roughed up a bit. [NYP, photo via TMZ]

Three's a Trendrr

Paul Boutin · 11/05/08 06:00PM

Dear Trendrr publicist who sent us a data dump on the presidential candidates' social-networking prowess a day after the election: Here's your "hit" on a hot "influencer" site that thinks you're "dumb." Hands up, everyone who still cares how many MySpace friends John McCain has this afternoon. Thought so.

After firing, Second Life maker insists they're hiring

Paul Boutin · 11/05/08 05:40PM

A boilerplate statement from Linden Lab confirms yesterday's rumor: "We've had to make some hard decisions about resources and as a result we eliminated four positions out of our headcount of nearly 300." That's not as bad as the "9 or 10" we'd been told were cut. In a statement sent to Silicon Alley Insider, Linden says they're still hiring. There are 45 job listings on the company's employment page. Are they all still open? Huh, maybe Second Life really is an alternate reality. What temperature does water boil at in SL?

No Matter What, Bill O'Reilly Always Wins

Hamilton Nolan · 11/05/08 05:38PM

Who's the big winner of this election, besides whoever got laid in exchange for their ticket to last night's Obama rally? Bill O'Reilly, of course! Loud Fox asshole and bold fresh piece of humanity O'Reilly lays out his strategy: "We are going to be the watchdogs. We don't know what Obama is going to do. It's my job to explain every move he makes, but I'm not going to nitpick him." I guess he's now like Keith Olbermann, and vice versa! There are some benefits to being in the opposition party. (He said this to TMZ, btw. Bill, why do you talk to TMZ but not to us? We won't nitpick you.) [TMZ]

Layoffs At Redbook

Hamilton Nolan · 11/05/08 05:15PM

We hear that as many as eight editorial employees—ranging from senior editors to editorial assistants—got laid off from Redbook today as part of the broader Hearst layoffs we told you about earlier. "The economy" was the stated reason. If you know more about layoffs at Hearst, email us.

Dem Implosion Starts Early in Albany

Pareene · 11/05/08 05:04PM

Oh, wonderful. Democrats took control of the New York State Senate yesterday, by the way, which is great news, if you like the Gay Marriage and repealing the heinous Rockefeller Drug Laws, two things the Dems are set to address now that they control both legislative bodies in Albany. Or, uh, two things Dems were set to do, until this they decided to immediately separate into splinter groups and begin a war for the Senate leadership, with a group of anti-gay marriage conservative Dems leading the charge. Ha ha ha, Albany will always suck, forever, and the gays just can't catch a break. [NYT]

20 Rahm Emanuel Fun Facts For A New, Ari-Friendly White House

Seth Abramovitch · 11/05/08 05:03PM

With news that Rep. Rahm Emanuel—fourth-ranking Democrat and brother to Endeavor head and sporadic HuffPo grump Ari Emanuel—is mulling President-elect Barack Obama's offer to be his chief of staff, we thought we'd help you cram with this list of some essential and less-essential Rahm knowledge: 1. Their father is an Israel-born pediatrician, their mother a former X-ray technician, a onetime rock club owner, and a civil rights activist. She would take her sons along on the demonstrations if they were peaceful. 2. They grew up poor, leaving one apartment because it was rat-infested, and another because neighbors complained that the three Emanuel boys were too rambunctious. 3. He lost half of his right middle finger after a meat-slicer accident while working at Arby's as a teenager. It happened on prom night, and led to a bone and blood infection that nearly took his life. His fever went as high as 106.4. Rahm is the inspiration for Bradley Whitford's character Josh Lyman on The West Wing. 5. He was encouraged to take ballet lessons as a boy, and he excelled at it so much, he eventually won a scholarship to the Joffrey Ballet. He turned it down to attend Sarah Lawrence College. 6. He worked on Paul Simon's 1984 Senate bid. 7. He volunteered in Israel during the Gulf War, and was assigned to rust-proof breaks at an army base. 8. The same year, he convinced Bill Clinton to put off campaigning in New Hampshire to raise funds instead. It was a strategy credited with winning Clinton the election. 9. He acted as a senior advisor in the Clinton regime from 1993 to 1998, but was demoted one year after Clinton took office. After the '96 election, he planned on quitting, but Clinton gave him George Stephanopoulos's post as senior advisor for policy and strategy. 10. During his 1992 run for Congress, Edward Moskal, president of the Polish American Congress, called him a "millionaire carpetbagger who knows nothing [about] our heritage." He also falsely claimed that Rahm was a dual Israeli citizen and fought in their army. 11. He was named DCCC chairman in 2005, and butted heads with DNC chair Howard Dean over Dean's "50-state" strategy—in one heated exchange, Rahm even lobbed an F-bomb and stormed out of the room. 12. Torn over who to support in a Presidential bid between longtime friend Hillary and home-state senator Barack, Rahm said, "I'm hiding under the desk. I'm very far under the desk, and I'm bringing my paper and my phone." 13. He practices Orthodox Judaism with his wife, Amy Rule, and their three children, Zacharias, Ilana, and Leah. 14. He's a triathlete. 15. His name means "high" in Hebrew. 16. He doesn't recommend that colleagues appear on The Colbert Report, though he himself has appeared numerous times on The Daily Show. 17. His date of birth is November 29th, 1959. 18. He has photos of sunsets in his office and David Gray on his iPod. 19. He's quick with a zinger. Example: On the Clinton Days: "Back then, stimulus and package had a whole different meaning." "I've spent more alone time with Bill than Hillary." On Fred Thompson: "He had an interesting take on No Child Left Behind. He married one." 20. His nickname is Rahmbo. Even his mother uses it.

Markets Plunge As Obamamania Subsides

Hamilton Nolan · 11/05/08 04:46PM

Seriously, what is up with you "investors?" Yesterday, as everyone anticipated an Obama victory, the Dow Jones Industrial Average soared more than 300 points. Now that everyone is sure Obama will be the next President, the Dow has dropped almost 500 points. Make up your mind, people. The Wall Street Journal's analysis: "glum readings of service sector activity and employment" combined with a generally poor economic outlook combined with hedge funds selling off holdings to raise cash in anticipation of investors pulling their money out. The quick and dirty Yahoo Finance analysis: "The decline was driven by profit taking, and discouraging economic data on employment and the services sector." Our analysis: a bunch of real suckers went wild yesterday buying stuff up cause they love Obama. Now it's settling in that hey, he won't even be in office for another three months and even when does get there, he still has to deal with the same shitty economy we have today. So then they all were like, "Sell!" Or maybe they're all Republicans.

Lulu.com books-on-demand site broken

Owen Thomas · 11/05/08 04:40PM

You would think an online print-on-demand bookstore would be able to print books on demand. But you'd be wrong! A reader reports that he wasn't able to finish checking out a book on Lulu, a print-on-demand startup. (Red Hat founder Bob Young, shown here, was inspired to start the company after he ended up with boxes of unsold copies of his Linux nonthriller, Under the Radar.) A customer-support rep said that the company had known about the ordering bug for a week, and might not fix it for another week. An online store which doesn't want its customers' money? Odd. The only possible conclusion: Lulu doesn't have enough actual customers to worry about letting them conduct business with the company. Here's the exchange with the support rep:

McDreamy McAngry About the 'Grey's Anatomy' Gay Firing

Kyle Buchanan · 11/05/08 04:33PM

Now that ABC has unceremoniously axed Brooke Smith's lesbian character from Grey's Anatomy and performed a wholesale gaywashing to turn an upcoming bisexual guest arc into a totally heterosexual, female bonding adventure, other Grey's stars are speaking out — or, in the case of Patrick Dempsey, using loaded silences to make his thoughts on the matter known.Dempsey appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today (incidentally, a program that Sara Ramirez's Callie will no longer be watching) and when DeGeneres brought up the firing, McDreamy pulled out a canned response ABC had sent to him and read from it sarcastically. Afterward, DeGeneres asked if the firing was OK. "It is for them," said Dempsey, providing enough passive-aggressive venom to make Isaiah Washington (busy waiting tables at the NBC commissary while he waits for that follow-up call from Ben Silverman) point to the screen and insist, "See? That's what I was talking about!"

LayoffGossip just keeps getting better

Paul Boutin · 11/05/08 04:20PM

I won't give up until I land automoronic rumor site LayoffGossip a hit in a major American newspaper. It's a perfect story for a lazy reporter: Web 2.0 uses Web 2.0 to document failure of Web 2.0. Three's a trend! Right now, the site's Valleywag entry says, quote, "General feeling is fearful. to be careful. Average salaries will be available next week." LayoffGossip has forced me to confess an ugly truth: TechCrunch is actually pretty good.

America Deserves A New Puppy, Too

Sheila · 11/05/08 04:12PM

Remember when you begged and begged your dad to get you a puppy? And he finally said yes, just like Barack Obama told his daughters Malia and Sasha last night? Well, here's the viral link that's been sweeping the nation: a live feed of a box full of Shiba Inu puppies. (It makes us want to give birth to one!) Click for a preview of the puppycam, or go here for live puppy adorableness. OMG! One of them is moving.